Highly Sensitive People HSP Community Group
The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds...
I've been telling you about Brene Brown and Kristin Neff, which I think help create "a full circle moment" for me, after finding out I'm HSP, these two women's books are what makes the searching for answers complete.
I was inspired to make this thread because I put in a topic about aggression/assertiveness before, and I now know why that is a problem for me and have the information to deal with it and learn new ways (finally!)
Shame is what keeps me away from being assertive. I shut down, it comes over me like a hot wave and it feels like I need to hide, feels like I'm not worthy of anyone caring about me, it freezes me and lose my ability to respond. In shame, empowerment, real, good power within me shuts down completely.
But knowing this and having the information and guide from Brene gives me hope that I can gain some of that power and maybe even fully, I feel hope.
I also feel hope in learning about self-compassion in Kristin Neff's book. I keep being told to treat myself better, be nicer to myself, that I should be able to deal with my emotions on my own but it's a practice.
Then I have no idea what to do, where to look. I am so happy I found this because I believe it's exactly what I need to learn and there I can find everything I need to know, and get advice on how to do it.
I feel complete hope today, more complete than I have ever felt before, because of Elaine, Brene and Kristin.
Difference between shame and guilt
Guilt: I made a mistake, I did something bad (might be a good motivator for change)
Shame, I am bad/I am a mistake
She also describes the difference between feeling shame, guilt, embarrassed, and humiliated.
It's really helpful to know in depth what they really mean. Not just because there is less confusion, but because there will be less damage for example when using shame to change a behavior, which is impossible, guilt is the way to go. Shame makes matters worse. Guilt is a natural motivator for change. Shame is completely opposite.
And finally, vulnerability is not weakness, being vulnerable can be very, extremely brave.
I was inspired to make this thread because I put in a topic about aggression/assertiveness before, and I now know why that is a problem for me and have the information to deal with it and learn new ways (finally!)
Shame is what keeps me away from being assertive. I shut down, it comes over me like a hot wave and it feels like I need to hide, feels like I'm not worthy of anyone caring about me, it freezes me and lose my ability to respond. In shame, empowerment, real, good power within me shuts down completely.
But knowing this and having the information and guide from Brene gives me hope that I can gain some of that power and maybe even fully, I feel hope.
I also feel hope in learning about self-compassion in Kristin Neff's book. I keep being told to treat myself better, be nicer to myself, that I should be able to deal with my emotions on my own but it's a practice.
Then I have no idea what to do, where to look. I am so happy I found this because I believe it's exactly what I need to learn and there I can find everything I need to know, and get advice on how to do it.
I feel complete hope today, more complete than I have ever felt before, because of Elaine, Brene and Kristin.
Difference between shame and guilt
Guilt: I made a mistake, I did something bad (might be a good motivator for change)
Shame, I am bad/I am a mistake
She also describes the difference between feeling shame, guilt, embarrassed, and humiliated.
It's really helpful to know in depth what they really mean. Not just because there is less confusion, but because there will be less damage for example when using shame to change a behavior, which is impossible, guilt is the way to go. Shame makes matters worse. Guilt is a natural motivator for change. Shame is completely opposite.
And finally, vulnerability is not weakness, being vulnerable can be very, extremely brave.
There is also those moments when I regurgitate when reading/hearing other peoples words about "flawed". The whole concept of flawed to me is bedfellows with defective. both are shame based beliefs.
Example of overcoming is seeing the way my own brain functions. I have greater functionality in one way as in I am a kenisetic & visual learner ... and not by verbal memorization as in repeating a definition or phone number. AM I FLAWED BECAUSE I LEARN ONE WAY AND NOT THE OTHER given a situation such as being in a class with a huge group of linear learners???
It would be likely that the system that teaches is not prepared to teach all kinds of people but only a certain group. But hey, learning differently and being pushed through a system that holds it terms in high regards and to a child on up can really create the shaming flawed effect.
So then it is time to tear down that message and that voice that belongs to some one else some where else .. that I have believed in and formed a pattern of (dis)functionality ever since. All of that kind of thinking belief structure gets dismantled dissolved and replaced with something more honest and real.
every speck of life is vulnerable. It is those who put a lot of time and effort into attempting to prove not true that lack the courage to be human! I think it does require a good amount of courage to be human and then behave humanely.
Owning up & Accepting ones vulnerability cultivates personal power.
Ones birth rights have been squandered if one is unable to take up their space and take on the responsibility of their inherent power. Not inherent like genes but like being alive ! I remeber having to go through assertive exercises and being so grossed out feeling repelled at the behavior I was to practice. But I worked it and now it is regular pattern.
That is so true what you said with overcoming means noticing how your brain functions. I think it is a problem too that the same method is used for everyone in schools. It sure is dangerous, not only to the individuals but to society as a whole too.
It's funny, I am at a chapter in her book now, about empathy and courage. Here's a link to Brene's preferred definition of courage, she refers to it as "ordinary courage". http://www.brenebrown.com/my-blog/2011/8/8/courage-is-a-heart-word.html
And what I was just about to read when I checked out your post was about something you talked about and I am interested in sharing this with you. :)
Shes saying that courage, especially ordinary courage is hard to obtain. In some cases, there can be real consequence of speaking the mind or sharing the story some people have. Most or many people have to do a lot of work before being able to reach out and sharing their stories. Sometimes compassion is listening to someone's story, and sometimes it's sitting with him or her in their fear about not being able to share. :)
But I totally understand your feeling about this. I have a father and a brother I have had very disappointing, bitter, angry emotions towards after feeling violated with shaming repeatedly. Part of the bitterness is that they don't really do anything to change this root of their behavior. I still have these feelings in me.
But as I learn about compassion, I see that they deserve empathy and compassion aswell. It's hard but I think I will be happier and our relationship could be healthier when I get to that place. More constructive. At least there would be a better chance of change. At the end of the day I have to look to serenity.
I also feel unsecure around people that have that mask. Almost feel connected to my shame, maybe I feel their hiding behind and go to the sensitivity part. Or my past with people looking similar, not sure where it came from yet. But now I want to articulate them in my mind in a different way, that brings empathy. Since empathy is the antidote to shame and I will feel more connected, and if they notice my insecurity around them, that will also be a good thing to heal.
I can so empathize with that last part, I've felt the exact same thing. That must have been a difficult journey but I see it has paid up. And I think by power you're talking about empowerment or what Brene calls "Real power". The regular one that we usually think about is "Power-over", the automatic thought of power that goes to thinking it's someone having the ability to control people, take advantage of others or exert force over someone or something, which is a dangerous form of power. It's a limited power,
when real power is unlimited, the ability to make change happen if you want to change it.
One of the actions of growing and emerging as a whole self / individuation is that other person(s) do not have to change the root of their behavior. All that is necessary is that I CHANGE THAT ROOT. I sure as heck know I have been changing root for some time now. When I visit my mother I see the total difference in the stories and beliefs I no longer orient around. There is letting go here. The beginning of this kind of transformation does not happen in terms of empathy or compassion. It is about redesigning and reorganizing a sense of self outside of the family shame. If the family chooses one or other persons in the family to project the shame on the only way to get rid of it is change.
I am certain that there are people / couples and perhaps families that do embark on group change but it seems more dominant to only change because you are available to process and grow. Emotional intelligence is to some degree RARE! Just cuz it is your my or his/her FAMILY doesn't mean emotional intelligence is on the list of things to do. But I can make it my thing to do!
YES to what you say on POWER. The power to take advantage or exploit other due to vulnerabilities (bully) is not power with resilience. It is power that relies on others weak spots. People that harm children are bullies. They feel powerful pushing their thumb in front of the ant to stop its path (metaphor). IGNORANCE