Highly Sensitive People HSP Community Group
The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds...
A woman came in as a patient the other week who was very depressed over an abusive relationship that she had suffered through for far too long. She had been feeling guilty for allowing herself to stay in this relationship. Seeing this patient brought up old feelings in me about past relationships with men. My first boyfriend was very abusive/narcissistic/borderline. He came to my work one day and put a pocket knife to my throat and said: "don't move unless you wanna get hurt!" Then, he took a piece of paper and gouged the knife through it and said: "this is you!" Despite this insane event, I did not break up with him! I had to wait until he took my virginity only to cheat on me with another girl I had known. I am angry with myself for having stayed with him! Even after all this time, I wish I would have had the strength to leave him after that event!
Then, I started seeing a guy who was into drugs and ended up dumping me after I finally confessed to him one of the things I put myself through in that previous relationship. Right away, he had another girl lined up. Then there was the last truly abusive boyfriend who would not let me see my friends, my family, not let me wear a mini-skirt, told me if I did not have sex with him whenever he wanted, he would find someone else who would. This was the relationship that I think finally pushed me into a diagnosis of anxiety and depression and led me to begin taking medication.
I have read that hsps often find themselves in relationships with these types of people. Why do we allow ourselves to suffer so much? I think these types are drawn to us becuase they want our bright positive energy, but when it is drained out of us, we are no longer attractive and they throw us away!
It is so important to be aware of these highly poisonous types of people-narcissistic and borderline, even sociopathic to some degree. They prey on the hsp and they hurt us really bad. It sucks that I had to go through all that to get to where I am now. I wish I would have had the strength to stop it so that I could walk away with myself still whole. Now, I am so much stronger, but I wish I never had to suffer the way I did.
Then, I started seeing a guy who was into drugs and ended up dumping me after I finally confessed to him one of the things I put myself through in that previous relationship. Right away, he had another girl lined up. Then there was the last truly abusive boyfriend who would not let me see my friends, my family, not let me wear a mini-skirt, told me if I did not have sex with him whenever he wanted, he would find someone else who would. This was the relationship that I think finally pushed me into a diagnosis of anxiety and depression and led me to begin taking medication.
I have read that hsps often find themselves in relationships with these types of people. Why do we allow ourselves to suffer so much? I think these types are drawn to us becuase they want our bright positive energy, but when it is drained out of us, we are no longer attractive and they throw us away!
It is so important to be aware of these highly poisonous types of people-narcissistic and borderline, even sociopathic to some degree. They prey on the hsp and they hurt us really bad. It sucks that I had to go through all that to get to where I am now. I wish I would have had the strength to stop it so that I could walk away with myself still whole. Now, I am so much stronger, but I wish I never had to suffer the way I did.
That being said, I too went through a relationship pattern much like you. I believe there are a number of factors that feed into this. Being empathetic and too compassionate - with people that will use us and indeed throw us away when used up. Fortunately for the most part, I got the hell out of Dodge so to say before they dumped me, yet in my last and longest relationship I was disposed of when diagnosed with fibro and was under orders not to work.
Wanting to help others and believing they only need a little help/encouragement. The personality types you described with them are right on IMHO. Narcissistic, sociopathic, and often chemically dependent. It all amounts to their being extremely selfish and the world being about them. Yet they can seem so charming and vulnerable. We are there to mother which there is nothing wrong with in the right situation and it goes both ways; to them and to US. Yet when it all goes one way towards what they want and need it becomes too one-sided. They are con artists and know how to attract a caretaker mother.
I also wonder how unintentionally naive we are with our idealism. I thought that love would conquer all. I also think we tend to stay in these dysfunctional relationships because of the anxiety that is brought up in wanting to leave but feeling afraid to. Another thing that happens is that they slowly take down our self-esteem like water slowly eroding a rock. Combine that with feeling drained in so many ways that we end up staying until it becomes too unbearable.
Hope that others chime in here as I think we all could learn much through this topic. Not just intimate relationships either. I am a "fixer" and tried helping way to much with family and friendships in general, until I finally caught on. I still have to watch myself when I want to be the great motherer whether it is with people or animals (the latter is where I have a terrible time saying no to myself because they are innocent). I believe that many of us in our middle/senior years who had no idea about high sensitivity or how different we are have been taken advantage of because of this.
I found this website helpful in sparking ideas for how to learn to forgive myself:
http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/
As HSPs, we can use our gifts in much healthier ways than towards someone with NPD. I've grown so much since then and I think the only way for me to grow was to actually experience these relationships because I did not learn to really love myself while growing up. I had to learn the hard way. In a way, I can almost say I am grateful I had these experiences (no matter how painful they were) because now I know for certain what I will and will not put up with.