Highly Sensitive People HSP Community Group
The highly sensitive person (or HSP) is someone who cares deeply about everything ... feels emotions with great intensity ... is highly conscientious ... has a rich and complex inner life ... is very intuitive ... is often creative in a variety of ways... is easily overwhelmed and/or overstimulated. A HSP needs lots of quiet time,space, and freedom. If this sounds...
When you are an HSP and are not aware of it, and live with a spouse that has an alcohol or a drug problem you can find yourself easily pushed into the company of codependents, or the so-called addiction of wanting to please everybody all of the time.
Recently, I did some research and found out that all of those programs which have twelve step philosophies, which were once based on Alcoholics Anonymous are really a spirtual cult-like organisations, which are more interested in practicing thought control using new-age spirituality instead of using practical ways for their members to cope.
But what can you do when there is just too little information about the differences between HSPs and codependents? According to Codependents Anonymous, everybody is somehow codependent to a certain extent, and from what I have found so far they really never get down to defining what a "healthy relationship" actually is. Worse yet, in conservative groups would encourage you to foresake all relationships (friendship or romantic) altogether, since experiencing love in the form of a human relationship is the basis for addiction in itself.
So if you are unaware you are ad HSP and are looking for practical advice or methods for dealing with an alcoholic or drug dependent spouse, parent or child, where do you turn? To Alanon or Narcanon or CoDA. They have a confusing religious-based spiritual program, which is designed to convince people that the reason they do not get along with their addict spouse is because of their own abusive behaviour. Suddenly it is not your spouse who has the problem. You eventually find out you have a spiritual and/or mental disease that needs "fixing", and that you are committing sin and desperately need to recover.
If you doubt this, feel free to join the codependency support group, and state all the traites Elaine Aron has listed to mark HSPs and ask any of the members if that sounds codependent to them. They will encourage you to immediately enroll in the next CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) support group, where a sponser will attempt to help you "recover" from being a HSP.
And how do they scoop up HSPs into codependency groups? Well just imagine that you have to answer the following questions to "test if you are co-dependent" and you are in reality a HSP:
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
A codependent says "yes and amen" to other people to get them to like them. So that is the reason why they avoid arguments.
But a HSP would also answer this question with "yes" because they feel overwhelmed by the emotional stress an argument entails.
There is no differentiation about why you answer "yes". If you answer "yes" you are automatically codependent.
2. Are you always worried about others' opinions of you?
A codependent doesn't really seem to project a personality. They live and die to "make" other people like them.
A HSP worries about others' opinions because they have anxiety about worry about upsetting the harmony. It seems they do not worry that other people will not like their opinions as much as stating them might offend someone. Never mind that a codependent would bend over backwards to make other people like them, and that a HSP would retreat back into their snail house if people didn't like them and feel depressed. The question about if you worry at all about anyone elses' opinions you are automatically codependent. It's a trick question, though. Who can you think of that is not narcissistic or criminal that can honestly say, "I don't give a shit at all about what other people think of me!". Do you think Barrick Obama could honestly answer this question with "no"?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
This is the catch-all question. If you lived with anyone who has had an alcohol or drug problem - even if you are considered well-adjusted and it was only a week or so - you are automatically qualified to be codependent. Yipee! What do parents do about their codependency if their teenage kids are secretly taking drugs and they don't know about it? What if their children are considering taking drugs and haven't actually done it yet? Theoretically everyone is codependent.
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
While this is attempting to forest out all the people like Pam Anderson and Rhianon who live(d) with abusive husbands and tolerate it, it doesn't automatically make someone codependent, unless they are willing to suffer it again and again, while denying the gravity of the situation. Someone who gets divorced after the second time they got hit is not necessarily co-dependent. They made a sensible decision and got out.
If an HSP is sensitive and takes this question to the extreme - they might think of how their older sister or brother bullied them when they were young, and think they are codependent, though.
5. Are the opinions of others more important to you than you own?
For codependents this is true. When regarding a codependent you could almost ask "What opinion?" They are not only extroverts, they are social chameleons, who like what everybody else likes.
But what about HSP's? Sometimes some peoples' opinions are more important than their own. This is not always true, because HSPs have lower self-esteem. But what if it's partially true?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
Clearly, another question that is not qualified. Codependents have trouble adjusting to changes because the are addicting to controlling their world.
HSP's have difficulty adjusting to changes for completely different reasons - not fear of loss of control, but the fear of sensory overload. The world is too loud, too noisy, too busy and sometimes too complicated for HSPs to sort them out immediately. But if an HSP answers this question with "yes" does that make them codependent or highly sensitive?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
Actually I believe only codependents can answer this with a definite "yes".
But maybe some HSP's because they have a difficult time making friends as it is, are more shy and cannot necessarily spend time with the other friends of significant others. Isn't feeling just a little left out for a while almost like feeling rejected?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
In the world of co-dependents this line of thinking stems from that you must martyr yourself for the sake of other people, and you are nobody without someone special.
But a HSP could just as easily answer this question when in the world of extroverts they are being constantly given the message to conform-conform-conform. That is where the self-doubts come from. Not doubting that you are significant, but doubting that you can do things extroverts are implying how it should be done.
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
For codependents it means lying to make somebody else feel happy, because other peoples' happiness is much more important than one's own happiness.
But for a HSP feeling uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others has more to do with shyness than it does with lying to make other people happy.
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
Actually I think it is another catch-all question. Who can honestly say there was no time in their life where they ever felt inadequate? They might as well have asked "Have you ever felt sadness?". For the codependent it means that you depend on other people to feel adequate - their needs supercede your own, and if you don't have anyone to take care of, then you feel inadequate.
For a HSP, on the other hand, people who are less sensitive and do not have the sensory abilities a HSP has, have the tendency to practice solipsism - the idea that "If I cannot sense it, then no one else can, and you are just making it up!" HSP are pressured into feeling inadequate from the duller sensory majority. But these feelings of inadequacy are not because they are codependent.
11. Do you feel like a "bad person" when you make a mistake?
Yet another unqualified question, because codependents feel like they have utterly failed because they made a mistake and caused someone they care about to feel disappointed or angry. That is what the other person's emotional reaction is to their mistake is the point being made here.
HSPs can feel the same way for different reasons. The tend to be perfectionists, and harsh on themselves. Not because they really care what other people may think, but because they have a finer sense for detail and perfection. They are hard on themselves even when everyone else can be delighted with what they have created. The HSP will still find the cracks in the sidewalk, the holes in the wall, and the places where the paint didn't cover the surface. Whether or not that makes other people sad or happy is of no importance.
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
Yet another unqualified question, because codependents feel like they never deserve compliments or gifts as much as other people do.
HSPs on the other hand have difficulties because they feel shy about the attention they receive - it is social anxiety, and not feelings of being undeserved. I even have a HSP acquaintence who, when he celebrates his birthday, makes jokes and says, "If you insist on bringing me a gift, then please bring it another day, and not on the day I am receiving guests".
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
Since it is quite common that a codependent person projects their own feelings onto their "wards", then it can considered a unique codependent type of behaviour. HSPs in contrast will not feel humiliation unless the child or spouse feels humiliation, and they empathise with their child or spouse.
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
A typical codependent would answer with a resounding "YES" to this question. Afterall their only person in life is being there for someone else.
A HSP, on the otherhand, would say, "What efforts? Okay I do stuff for someone else, but their life would go downhill? How?"
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
A codependent would answer "Yes" if they had taken on so many tasks, chores and assignments that they feared they would never finish in time to make their wards happy. They always take on more and more for fear of disappointing somebody.
A HSP would also say "Yes" if they feel so overwhelmed because a chore or task is too demanding, too hetic or too complicated for them to concentrate on and they feel overwhelmed. They are so overwhelmed, they often do not even know where to start.
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
The codependent wants to protect their ward, and will avoid honestly talking to authorities such as teachers, the police or employers. They will even go so far to lie in the name of loyalty to protect their wards.
A HSP has no problem talking to people in authority, provided certain conditions are met, such as the authoritive person is not speaking in a threatening manner, and there is an established report, to allow the HSP to overcome their shyness. Quiet conversations work; interrogations don't work.
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
What is meant to be a question directed at codependents to find out if someone else's life has a priority over their own, is phrased in such a manner that allows everyone - codependent, HSP or regular extrovert to answer with "yes". It is the same question as "Do you sometimes have doubts about what you want?" or "Do you ever worry about an uncertain future?" or "Are you less than 100% self-confident?"
18. Do you have trouble saying "no" when asked for help?
Another unqualified question. A codependent is always willing to help because they suffer a messiah-complex. They believe they were put on this earth to serve everybody else.
A HSP is often intimidated by this question. Because they are introverted they fear that saying no will put them into a conflict situation. It isn't so much the other person feeling disappointed about them, as much as the fear of being drawn into a discussion about why they don't want to help someone else. Often they don't want to say "yes" but feel helpless to assert themselves, because that would involve explaining to somebody why they don't want to help, and finally fear being accused that they are just too sensitive because they said "no". So they either silently beat a retreat, or avoid people looking for help, or suffer in silence. And when asked "Why don't you just say 'no'?" they inevitably answer, "It's complicated".
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
Similar question to the one above. The codependent fear that other people will be disappointed or not like them anymore if they ask for help.
A HSP feels like they are imposing, or dreads the negative reaction or possible conversation that will ensue. It has more to do with social anxiety than the eternal desire to make everybody like you.
20. Do you have so many things going on at once that you can't do justice to any of them?
Well to answer this, you would have to define what "so many things going on at once" are. A friend of mine who is codependent takes care of her elderly mother, washes clothes and cleans house for her adult brother, day-care babysits 3 times a week for her neighbour, always drives her kids and the neighbours' kids to soccer practice, is a church elder and has to go to meetings, and supports a women's community club.She complains that she has no time for herself.
I am a HSP and answer the above question with "yes" because I cannot have a conversation and type on the computer at the same time. I have no idea how my friend gets things done. I would have been on overload after half an hour.
Recently, I did some research and found out that all of those programs which have twelve step philosophies, which were once based on Alcoholics Anonymous are really a spirtual cult-like organisations, which are more interested in practicing thought control using new-age spirituality instead of using practical ways for their members to cope.
But what can you do when there is just too little information about the differences between HSPs and codependents? According to Codependents Anonymous, everybody is somehow codependent to a certain extent, and from what I have found so far they really never get down to defining what a "healthy relationship" actually is. Worse yet, in conservative groups would encourage you to foresake all relationships (friendship or romantic) altogether, since experiencing love in the form of a human relationship is the basis for addiction in itself.
So if you are unaware you are ad HSP and are looking for practical advice or methods for dealing with an alcoholic or drug dependent spouse, parent or child, where do you turn? To Alanon or Narcanon or CoDA. They have a confusing religious-based spiritual program, which is designed to convince people that the reason they do not get along with their addict spouse is because of their own abusive behaviour. Suddenly it is not your spouse who has the problem. You eventually find out you have a spiritual and/or mental disease that needs "fixing", and that you are committing sin and desperately need to recover.
If you doubt this, feel free to join the codependency support group, and state all the traites Elaine Aron has listed to mark HSPs and ask any of the members if that sounds codependent to them. They will encourage you to immediately enroll in the next CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) support group, where a sponser will attempt to help you "recover" from being a HSP.
And how do they scoop up HSPs into codependency groups? Well just imagine that you have to answer the following questions to "test if you are co-dependent" and you are in reality a HSP:
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
A codependent says "yes and amen" to other people to get them to like them. So that is the reason why they avoid arguments.
But a HSP would also answer this question with "yes" because they feel overwhelmed by the emotional stress an argument entails.
There is no differentiation about why you answer "yes". If you answer "yes" you are automatically codependent.
2. Are you always worried about others' opinions of you?
A codependent doesn't really seem to project a personality. They live and die to "make" other people like them.
A HSP worries about others' opinions because they have anxiety about worry about upsetting the harmony. It seems they do not worry that other people will not like their opinions as much as stating them might offend someone. Never mind that a codependent would bend over backwards to make other people like them, and that a HSP would retreat back into their snail house if people didn't like them and feel depressed. The question about if you worry at all about anyone elses' opinions you are automatically codependent. It's a trick question, though. Who can you think of that is not narcissistic or criminal that can honestly say, "I don't give a shit at all about what other people think of me!". Do you think Barrick Obama could honestly answer this question with "no"?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
This is the catch-all question. If you lived with anyone who has had an alcohol or drug problem - even if you are considered well-adjusted and it was only a week or so - you are automatically qualified to be codependent. Yipee! What do parents do about their codependency if their teenage kids are secretly taking drugs and they don't know about it? What if their children are considering taking drugs and haven't actually done it yet? Theoretically everyone is codependent.
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
While this is attempting to forest out all the people like Pam Anderson and Rhianon who live(d) with abusive husbands and tolerate it, it doesn't automatically make someone codependent, unless they are willing to suffer it again and again, while denying the gravity of the situation. Someone who gets divorced after the second time they got hit is not necessarily co-dependent. They made a sensible decision and got out.
If an HSP is sensitive and takes this question to the extreme - they might think of how their older sister or brother bullied them when they were young, and think they are codependent, though.
5. Are the opinions of others more important to you than you own?
For codependents this is true. When regarding a codependent you could almost ask "What opinion?" They are not only extroverts, they are social chameleons, who like what everybody else likes.
But what about HSP's? Sometimes some peoples' opinions are more important than their own. This is not always true, because HSPs have lower self-esteem. But what if it's partially true?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
Clearly, another question that is not qualified. Codependents have trouble adjusting to changes because the are addicting to controlling their world.
HSP's have difficulty adjusting to changes for completely different reasons - not fear of loss of control, but the fear of sensory overload. The world is too loud, too noisy, too busy and sometimes too complicated for HSPs to sort them out immediately. But if an HSP answers this question with "yes" does that make them codependent or highly sensitive?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
Actually I believe only codependents can answer this with a definite "yes".
But maybe some HSP's because they have a difficult time making friends as it is, are more shy and cannot necessarily spend time with the other friends of significant others. Isn't feeling just a little left out for a while almost like feeling rejected?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
In the world of co-dependents this line of thinking stems from that you must martyr yourself for the sake of other people, and you are nobody without someone special.
But a HSP could just as easily answer this question when in the world of extroverts they are being constantly given the message to conform-conform-conform. That is where the self-doubts come from. Not doubting that you are significant, but doubting that you can do things extroverts are implying how it should be done.
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
For codependents it means lying to make somebody else feel happy, because other peoples' happiness is much more important than one's own happiness.
But for a HSP feeling uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others has more to do with shyness than it does with lying to make other people happy.
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
Actually I think it is another catch-all question. Who can honestly say there was no time in their life where they ever felt inadequate? They might as well have asked "Have you ever felt sadness?". For the codependent it means that you depend on other people to feel adequate - their needs supercede your own, and if you don't have anyone to take care of, then you feel inadequate.
For a HSP, on the other hand, people who are less sensitive and do not have the sensory abilities a HSP has, have the tendency to practice solipsism - the idea that "If I cannot sense it, then no one else can, and you are just making it up!" HSP are pressured into feeling inadequate from the duller sensory majority. But these feelings of inadequacy are not because they are codependent.
11. Do you feel like a "bad person" when you make a mistake?
Yet another unqualified question, because codependents feel like they have utterly failed because they made a mistake and caused someone they care about to feel disappointed or angry. That is what the other person's emotional reaction is to their mistake is the point being made here.
HSPs can feel the same way for different reasons. The tend to be perfectionists, and harsh on themselves. Not because they really care what other people may think, but because they have a finer sense for detail and perfection. They are hard on themselves even when everyone else can be delighted with what they have created. The HSP will still find the cracks in the sidewalk, the holes in the wall, and the places where the paint didn't cover the surface. Whether or not that makes other people sad or happy is of no importance.
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
Yet another unqualified question, because codependents feel like they never deserve compliments or gifts as much as other people do.
HSPs on the other hand have difficulties because they feel shy about the attention they receive - it is social anxiety, and not feelings of being undeserved. I even have a HSP acquaintence who, when he celebrates his birthday, makes jokes and says, "If you insist on bringing me a gift, then please bring it another day, and not on the day I am receiving guests".
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
Since it is quite common that a codependent person projects their own feelings onto their "wards", then it can considered a unique codependent type of behaviour. HSPs in contrast will not feel humiliation unless the child or spouse feels humiliation, and they empathise with their child or spouse.
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
A typical codependent would answer with a resounding "YES" to this question. Afterall their only person in life is being there for someone else.
A HSP, on the otherhand, would say, "What efforts? Okay I do stuff for someone else, but their life would go downhill? How?"
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
A codependent would answer "Yes" if they had taken on so many tasks, chores and assignments that they feared they would never finish in time to make their wards happy. They always take on more and more for fear of disappointing somebody.
A HSP would also say "Yes" if they feel so overwhelmed because a chore or task is too demanding, too hetic or too complicated for them to concentrate on and they feel overwhelmed. They are so overwhelmed, they often do not even know where to start.
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
The codependent wants to protect their ward, and will avoid honestly talking to authorities such as teachers, the police or employers. They will even go so far to lie in the name of loyalty to protect their wards.
A HSP has no problem talking to people in authority, provided certain conditions are met, such as the authoritive person is not speaking in a threatening manner, and there is an established report, to allow the HSP to overcome their shyness. Quiet conversations work; interrogations don't work.
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
What is meant to be a question directed at codependents to find out if someone else's life has a priority over their own, is phrased in such a manner that allows everyone - codependent, HSP or regular extrovert to answer with "yes". It is the same question as "Do you sometimes have doubts about what you want?" or "Do you ever worry about an uncertain future?" or "Are you less than 100% self-confident?"
18. Do you have trouble saying "no" when asked for help?
Another unqualified question. A codependent is always willing to help because they suffer a messiah-complex. They believe they were put on this earth to serve everybody else.
A HSP is often intimidated by this question. Because they are introverted they fear that saying no will put them into a conflict situation. It isn't so much the other person feeling disappointed about them, as much as the fear of being drawn into a discussion about why they don't want to help someone else. Often they don't want to say "yes" but feel helpless to assert themselves, because that would involve explaining to somebody why they don't want to help, and finally fear being accused that they are just too sensitive because they said "no". So they either silently beat a retreat, or avoid people looking for help, or suffer in silence. And when asked "Why don't you just say 'no'?" they inevitably answer, "It's complicated".
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
Similar question to the one above. The codependent fear that other people will be disappointed or not like them anymore if they ask for help.
A HSP feels like they are imposing, or dreads the negative reaction or possible conversation that will ensue. It has more to do with social anxiety than the eternal desire to make everybody like you.
20. Do you have so many things going on at once that you can't do justice to any of them?
Well to answer this, you would have to define what "so many things going on at once" are. A friend of mine who is codependent takes care of her elderly mother, washes clothes and cleans house for her adult brother, day-care babysits 3 times a week for her neighbour, always drives her kids and the neighbours' kids to soccer practice, is a church elder and has to go to meetings, and supports a women's community club.She complains that she has no time for herself.
I am a HSP and answer the above question with "yes" because I cannot have a conversation and type on the computer at the same time. I have no idea how my friend gets things done. I would have been on overload after half an hour.
I laughed out loud when I read, "If you insist on bringing me a gift, then please bring it another day, and not on the day I am receiving guests".
And on #20 its so true.
I went to my parents house for one night last week. They live 2.5 hours away. My grandmother was there and my sister. I had to share a room (and bed) with my sister. So I wasn't even my "usual" room when I go to my parents. I of course also had my rambunctious dog to deal with. I did some absent-minded things on this trip--left a jacket I needed for my interview (I got it back), used a vacuum cleaner at a car wash and sucked up my mailbox key (goodbye forever key), and got a speeding ticket b/c it was raining and some loser had been tailgating me and I was going down hill--so yeah I wasn't concentrating on my speed right at that minute.
Anyway, my boyfriend upon hearing about these different things was exasperated and asked "Did some thing bad happen?" (To make me particularly preoccupied) And I said . . . well I went to my parents and visited with the family. He looks at me blankly. And I'm thinking . . . isn't that more than enough to overwhelm me! LOL (not to mention my impending interviews)
Other people just don't understand . . . my mother (an HSP) has never been able to, and still can't, talk on the phone and respond in any way to any other person. She would get so upset with us kids when we were young--she was just so overwhelmed!
Just that word is annoying.
Thank you for such a good post. You covered the subject well. I think the words we choose are important. Some words just convey that SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME! Some words try to give a guilt trip right away. So I agree with you on the whole co-dependency thing.
The whole time I was thinking "What abuse? I don't try to make anybody do anything!"
And going to your parents and having a job interview in one week! Hats off to you! I couldn't have managed that myself, without forgetting half the things I need, and would have probably got a speeding ticket too (maybe two). Hope you have some quiet time after that stress.
Janvier,
The CoDA people have a myoptic view of the world, in the fact that they are convinced that everybody is just like they are, and they are either working on a twelve step program or they "are in denial" of their "addiction". HSP traits are for many of them just more characteristics of codependency. I have had several conversations with them and and many of them insist that higher sensitivity is just another manifestation of "codependency in denial". They even go so far as to designate true psychological disorders such as bipolar disorder and social anxiety as "just other names of codependent behaviour".
It's really sad that they dig their way down into this whole and find the only way to cope with their so-called "addiction" is to substitute a group for whomever they would otherwise be making miserable, and call it recovery.
Many try to find psychiatric professionals who will "treat" them for codependency (which is not a mental disease) and cannot find one. They will find a psychiatrist who will treat them for depression, or bipolar syndrome, for depersonalisation, for narcissism, for social anxiety, for stress, for schizoidphrenia and many other problems, but "codependency" is only a disease for people who believe in the twelve step approach. They are still petitioning to get it listed as a mental disorder. They were successful for alcoholism, which is still considered a disease because they had lobby pressure from the AA to declare it a mental disorder. Still, "alcoholism" is not a disease anymore than "workaholism" is a disease for ambitious people, or "candyism" is a disease for children when they eat too many sweets.
Weissdorn . . . I didn't think YOU were particularly preoccupied with codependency but that other people seemed preoccupied with telling you that you were co-dependent!
Connie - The ability to concentrate on one or more tasks has an inverse relationship to how emotional you are. The more emotional you are, or the more your environment affects you emotionally, the harder it is for you to concentrate.
You can improve your ability to concentrate by removing things or circumstances that cause you passive or active stress. If where you work has too much noise (noise is a sorce of stress!) find out how to make it less noisy. If you have people who are making vague emotional demands on you that you feel, but they don't, think about how to you could ask them politely to leave, and take their empathic impatience with them to leave you alone to concentrate.
Believe me! You are not stupid, you are not un-intelligent. You just cannot get things done if people are even passively causing you stress.
Remember people who say, "Stress? What stress? Oh that! But everybody has stress!" - Those people are duller sensory stress addicts who are merrily steering their way into a heart attack, diabetes, depression or some other psychosomatic disease. If you know that stress is disturbing your concentration - you are one step ahead of the crowd.
I have been a part of various 12-Step programs for 26 years. It was in 12 Step groups I learned to not trust blindly, to not condemn before investigation, to regularly take my own inventory, to rely on something wiser than my own ego, to take responsibility for me and no one else, to take what I need and leave the rest, to seek my own solutions, to be true to myself, to value the gift of the present, to explore concepts from multiple dimensions, to make decisions neither entirely based on insight nor entirely on logic... and so much more.
Also, I have never heard the assertion 12-Step groups are a cult. In fact, one of the main texts makes reference to the fact that a Higher Power may be the group. Further, a common saying posted on the wall of rooms where many groups meet is "GOD = Good Orderly Direction." I know a good number of people in 12-Step programs who are self-professed agnostics and atheists. Some are amongst those with thd longest membership in their respective groups.
Every group of the program is guided by the same philosophy and structure but is nonetheless flavored by its particular members. I learned something else important in the 12-Step program you may find helpful... "Don't let people rent space in your head for free."
Lastly, consider the fact that people generally judge out of ignorance. Explain the difference ro them. Is it reasonable to expect people to ask a question when they are unaware an answer other than the one they know even exists?