Hollie, i also have difficulty letting go of the past so I will have to check back here to see if anyone else has any helpful advice.

Hi Hollie :)

The only thing that comes to mind is maybe to write down a list of the lessons you've learned.... but just short notes. Like this:

* Always, ALWAYS read the fine print in a fitness contract!

As opposed to:
Oh we got so raked over the coals when we signed that contract with so-and-so and we couldn't get the auto drafts to stop and then bounced checks and missed a house payment.. yada yada...

Kind of just focus on the actual lesson because that is what is most important.

Sorry I can't think of anything better :(

Wow - this is a really tough subject. I think we all have experienced this. I don't know if there is any 'magic pill' that we could ever take to help us to do this (and I wish there was).

I think that we, as HSP'ers, struggle even more than the rest of the population because we feel everything so deeply. We also have a tendency to 'bury' events and emotions internally, only to have them surface at the most inopportune times in our lives. Perhaps an event 'stirs the pot' of memory and we get slammed with not only the new and current emotional upheaval but also the past one/ones that this current incident reminds us of in some way, shape, or form.

I remember, a few years ago, of having something happen to me that put me into an emotionally wrought state. This incident brought to the surface the memories of something that happened decades ago to me. I can remember that, at times, I didn't know what I was crying for or about. Everything 'blurred' into one gigantic stewing pot of pity, anger, feeling sorry for myself, etc. The thoughts that rushed through my head were non-stop and so jumbled together that I could not separate the events into different time frames, people, situations, emotions, etc. They all 'became One.' It was almost as if the current 'event' pulled out all these similar emotions because the situations themselves were so similar. Maybe I just needed to let them go (the ones from the past). I just felt like I didn't know which end was up in my life anymore. I only knew that I absolutely hated being in that state of 'I don't know what.'

As I age, I am getting better at letting go of the past - the mistakes, regrets, things that I did when I didn't know any better; the plans that I had for my future that didn't happen, etc. Maybe that just comes with age - I don't know because it doesn't mean it gets any easier to do. Maybe it's just the reality hitting me that I can't change what happened in the past (only in my head and with great emotion and expenditure of energy, and then, 'wracking' my brain with the woulda/coulda,shoulda's of life just doesn't do it for me anymore). I sometimes get to the point in my life now that I just shrug my shoulders and think 'Oh well, that was then and this is now and I have to live the rest of my life in a way that benefits me now' because if I don't do that, no-one else is going to do it for me. In fact, all the people that did those things to me in the past don't give a damn about me, don't/didn't care, and don't even give me a 'second' thought at all. I never mattered to them so why should I wrack myself with thinking about them anymore etc.

That's about it!

It does not sound likeyou are not letting go of the past to me.It just sounds like when certain things happen it reminds you of past expeiriances.We cant erase things from our memoryAs long as we do not ponder on all bad expieriances to the point it disrupts our future.I, have to remind a member in my family a conversation means we both get to talk and reply.Not just one person talk and the other one replys on que.I hope you two can talk and work things out.HUGS Annie

Dear crying ... thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Well, this could be like the blind leading the blind here but here goes. ; )

I am learning to go through this mental ritual when something upsets me and I can't let it go (a day later, a year later, a decade later):

I pray about it and ask God "if I need correcting about it, I ask you to do so. I someone else does, I pray for that too. I pray that whoever needs validated in being right/correct be validated also." I wait to see if I feel convicted or validated and always I will know one or the other. So, I'll either ask for forgiveness or forgive the offender, whichever happens to be the case, and ask God to help me with the feelings that still come up afterward, and they always do.
This has greatly helped me. Also, I find if I pray in earnest for the person who offended me I find I no longer am angry at them. Ironic, huh? ; D

Also, assuming the best helps. I'll say "oh that lady did not speak to me because she truly did not even see me." Or I'll assume a rude coworker just got some bad news from home or something. Many times I've later found out that I was right.

wow! Thank you so much crying. I think you are right the people who have hurt us in the past really don't care about us and just letting things go is probably for the best.
Annie I really appreciate your reply I don't think I hold onto a lot of things from the past to much but I am absoluty reminded of past events when certain things happen that I can't just let it go. I love what you said about the two way conversation. I am forever listening and am never heard. Maybe I need to do what you said and give a simple reminder that I have a voice too.
Michelle thank you so much for your perspective I do pray a lot but I have honestly never prayed for someone who has hurt me or upset me. I love your positive outlook! I do feel like I don't pray right and I am always so nervous to do it because I just don't feel worthy and i'm not sure why but I think you have really helped me out. Thank you
Janvier I am so happy that crying was able to help you out as well.

Hollie,

In my 4th line, I meant to type "I ask God" to do so (not me asking you to do so). ; )

This is a positive outlook I strive for, but often fail at, just so you know. I try, let's put it that way.

You are totally worthy of any and all prayer. God doesn't expect perfection b/c he did not create that way, so we have that going for us haha. I have to say that I got nearly all of those ideas over the years from Joyce Meyer. I just adore her. She makes you laugh while you realize what you should be doing somehow. If you want to check her out, visit joycemeyer.org.

To add to Crying's thoughts ... I agree, most people who offend us are probably living completely in the "it's all about me" world. The don't often think of others or have empathy for them, they just plow into life with their "MEMeMe" plow. I know my father has a huge, giant "ME" plow. sigh. Realizing that can help us just shrug off their bad behavior I hope.

I would like to add, a comment about forgiveness. In Oprah's view she says "Forgiveness is accepting the knowing that we can not change the past." I don't know if I hit the quote directly word for word, but this has helped me greatly in dealing with my past. As a sexual/emotional/physical abuse (by my father) survivor, it took 25 years to overcome my past and start the healing process. I have a way to go, but I am getting there. It takes a lot of work. And wishing it away does not work. The Buddhas first and second noble truths—"we suffer when we desire for circumstances over which we have no control to be other than they are" If you practice being present rather than living in past the past literally dissolves. Try taking a deep, deep breath. Notice there is no way to be in the past when you do this. Also, you can tell your brain to shut up. Refuse to listen to it's wandering chatter. This can work for worry of the future too.

As far as listening to your husband, communication is so important in marriage. Tell him you need time to yourself. Your view point doesn't have to be the end all from your husband either. He may disagree with you, but it doesn't mean you are wrong. Just tell him how you feel.

I hope this is helpful.

Peace

Hi Hollie -

I want to add to the comments I posted above. As a person who is hearing-impaired and who wears hearing aids, I can attest to your husband's newly-found ability to hear. It is a shock to one's whole being because, and as I experienced when I first got my hearing aids, the sheer bewilderment of hearing sounds that I could not hear before overwhelmed me until I got used to now hearing them. I had forgotten what things sounded like. I had to ask people 'What was that sound?' They would look at me like I was crazy - what sound? For a person who has never experienced hearing loss, they could never understand.

Be gentle with yourself and with your husband - be understanding of him and his newly-found ability to hear. Let him talk. I know it can be overwhelming for an HSP'er to be around a 'chatterbox', but this is something new and exciting for him. He will be like a child with this for a while; however, this will begin to subside when he adjusts to life in a different way. Perhaps you will just need to remind him that you, too, need to adjust to this new situation and need your 'quiet' time.

I have read that when small children who are deaf are given a cochlear implant, and the first sound the doctors have them hear is their mother's voice - that they burst out crying. It is overwhelming for them (and for the parents, especially the mother).

Be gentle - there will be plenty of time for you both to discuss the past. Right now, live in the Present and enjoy it!

Hugs.

I forgot to add -

When I get 'overwhelmed' with the outside world, I come home and take the hearing aids out and go back into my world of 'quiet.' It helps to soothe, unwind, and comfort me. I still hear - I just don't hear all the other sounds in the world! This is my 'normal.'

Wow, I subscribe to a Positive thoughts newsletter. This is today's - a quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer...

The Principle of Now.

You've heard it many times, so often in fact that it has become a cliché: Live in the present. The now is all there is. Forget about the past; it's over. Don't worry about the future; there is only today. While these are familiar refrains, the truth is that living in the now is an elusive activity for virtually everyone. It may be easy to say, but it's very tricky to do day in and day out. And yet, Alan Watts is absolutely correct in the above quotation when he states that it "already is the case." This is why living in the present moment is so baffling.

Think about the past and you're not living in the now. . . but the now is the only time available for thinking about the past! Live in anticipation of the future and you're admonished for not being here now. . . but now is all you have for engaging in that delicious "futurizing." Thus, as Alan Watts reminds you, you strive for what already is. To be in the now is really your only option. But the real question isn't how to live in the now, it's how to use the now by being present--rather than wasting it on reflections of the past or concerns about the future. . . .

Ego, Excuse Making, and the Elusive Now.

The present moment is an antidote for the pain and difficulties we experience, which we habitually try to soothe with rationales and explanations. When we plunge ourselves 100 percent into the now, experiencing it and nothing else, we're on an Excuses Begone! journey, with no need for all of those old habituated thinking patterns.

In fact, excuses are simply what you've developed to explain now moments that are tangled into the past or future. If you're truly in that blissful presence of the now, there's no desire to alter what is. When your sentences express that "It's going to be difficult . . . it will take a long time . . . I'm not smart enough . . . I'm too old," you're wasting a present moment with excuses from a not-now moment! And when are you having these thoughts? You guessed it--the only time you have a thought is in the now. So if your present moment is being used up replaying why present-moment thinking is incorrect (making excuses), is it available for you to do something constructive? Obviously not!

All excuses are avoidance techniques to keep you from taking charge and changing your thinking habits. If you weren't rehashing your excuses but were instead immersed in the now, you'd be experiencing your own form of the bliss and healing that took place for me during my magical swim. You see, when I removed ego from the moment, I stopped thinking about myself and focused on being fully present--and then I was able to be truly here without ego's excuses. I had plenty of explanations for the tension in my chest, but when I moved totally into the now with no other thoughts, the excuses disappeared along with the pain.

The past will always be connected to your present, but that does not mean that there is no autonomy. The first step would be coming to terms with your past and accept who you are and your habits. It's up to you to decide what things you want changed. BUT, if it's getting to the point where you feel like life is being sucked out of you, you need to tell him this and just be genuine with your feelings and work on it from there. You understand that he's excited and that's great, but he needs to understand you and your feelings, as well.