when you dont work for a while you can get into I will look tommorrow kind of mind and it gets put off and then can loose confidence in yourself and when someone says something you then argue..it seems to come across as if someone is on youre case..its not youre just want to stop worrying about bills..somehow he needs something to inspire him to work could you do something like say go on the internet..Im giving an example as dont know what he likes..lets take a motorbike..oh wow honey look at this motorbike..he looks his eyes light up..you subtly say how could we get the money..just leave it at that..then leave it and go oh wow that bike I could see the two of us riding it..leave the job page open LOL if he rings one for you then get a book and hit him over the head if he goes what you doing that for tell him its to knock some sense into him

I may be out of line here, but I need to say this.....you are not his keeper. He needs to show you some real effort besides taking hand outs. Your mother is right. Nobody has extra money these days to hand over to someone who isn't even trying to get his own. And you don't deserve to be stuck in the same old place you were before your marriage ended. That should be your biggest red flag. This could turn into a pattern for you if you aren't careful. Trust me, if you tell him he has to go, he will find a place to go. They always do. IF this sounds harsh, it isn't because I don't care about people.....I care too much most of the time. But I hate to see people taking advantage of others, especially when they are supposed to care about them. Good luck with this!

I agree with Beckeroo. The saying "people treat you the way you let them treat you" seems to fit here. I've seen two many people think they're going to change their partner's ways to no avail. It's disrespectful, wrong, and selfish for the man in your life to exist without helping himself or you. If he's going through a rough patch and is genuinely depressed, he needs help and should go to the doctor. I'm sure you've figured out which one it is. Life is much too short to have a thorn in your side. I hope you figure this out soon because it'll only get worse. Sorry to be so blunt, but this kind of thing inffuriates me because I have two grown daughters and they've both experienced this. It's not an issue for them anymore, thank goodness, but it's painful for a parent to watch a daughter whom she thought knew better accept and actually cater to someone with no work ethic. You deserve better than this.

My heart goes out to you. You are going to be treated only as you allow to be treated. This is your life my friend. In other words, you are seeing the best of what you're going to get. I hate to sound blunt, but given your posted conditions, you have no business working in a shelter. I know you're a pet lover, so am I and could not handle it. You need to kick this person out asap and figure out how to find a different volunteer group as you find homes for the excess animals you already have. Do these things and your life will begin to change. Hugs!!!

I have to admit that though some comments are blunt they are what I need to hear. I know I can't change him, he has to want to, though I like jokeyj's idea. I'm not making excuses for him but he has to battle with bipolar and alcoholism every day so that is part of why he has been slow to look for a job. However I have talked a bit with him tonight and gave him some options and he can chose his and our future together. As for the pet situation that is still a work in progress to find what I can emotionally handle and how I can help without hurting myself in the process. Thank you everyone for your comments and concern.

MyMeko......just a little something more.....I have worked with many bipolar students in my teaching career, and I can tell you that it only gets worse.....combine it with alcohol (which should never be used with the medicine for bipolar, and if he isn't on any, look out!) and you have a deadly combo on your hands. You are typically like us.....protect and rescue people......HSP's all around are prone to this. So it's very hard for you to tell him he must go.....but honestly, as years go by, partners don't usually get better; if there are faults, it just keeps getting worse. You are so sensitive.....this man is going to hurt you, I guarantee it. Please think hard and long about what to do and all the consequences. Good luck!

So sorry you are going through this. I do agree with what some of the others are saying. He is an adult and has responsibilities. He is not facing them. If he is diagnosed bipolar it is his responsibility to get the help he needs. Not only is he not doing that he is risking a lot by drinking. His actions show that he is not making an effort. It sounds like you have been, this is not good for you. You need to take care of yourself. I hope you can find your way out of this relationship. If the relationship is important to him he will straighten himself out and come back. If I were you I would cut the cord before things get worse. As long as someone keeps picking him back he will not take care of himself. Life is too short, you deserve so much more...

I have to be blunt here. He is exploiting you and your parents good nature and kindness. I say get rid. It isn't your problem that he is unable to make friends or connections. Give him the details of alcoholism charities, I am sure there must be shelters or other help.

But if you cannot, give him an ultimatum - he gets help or he leaves. Yes he has challenges but that is part of adult life. People just have to keep trying despite their challenges. He can't keep making excuses and you can't keep letting him. It isn't fair on your parents apart from anything else. If you choose this you need to be strong. Be prepared to change the locks on him if necessary and carry it through. Maybe a day or two on the streets without you to sponge off will make him realise how lucky he is and that he needs to buck his ideas up. Don't try this if you can't do it, the worst thing would be to give an ultimatum and then cave in and let him walk on you again.