Hi, SP,

You probably would agree that avoidance is often the best strategy, but at times we need to take a stand. For increased tolerance for confrontational communication, I would suggest learning and practicing 'Active Listening' skills. These are a set of very easy mind tools to really understand what people are saying. It basically requires the listener to paraphrase what the speaker is saying in order to confirm understanding. This not only eliminates any misunderstanding, it also shows the other person that you really desire to understand them. I tried this technique a few times and it is very powerful. It helps the user to calm down because your mind turns to the skill set instead of getting all defensive and up in arms. They can help you feel a lot more positive and strong while engaged in any uncomfortable discussion. Criticism can be either constructive or destructive and with AL, you will be able to understand which type is being offered. No matter which type it is, you will be able to receive or reject it gracefully. Maybe there is something you need to learn about yourself from the criticism, which would make the other person something like an angel (which means "messenger"). If you use AL skills in a discussion, you can find out the truth (if any) behind the criticism. Or maybe not, but you will be able to know for sure. The same tools could work on yourself to listen to your own thoughts to discern whether or not your disagreements are just for argument's sake or helpful. If your disagreements are beneficial or necessary, then maybe practicing assertiveness skills would help. I hope these ideas help in some way.

Hello SP

I think the format Dabar describes is a totally good way to up communication as well as discern whether or not the recipient of your assertion is really available to meet your need(s). I have often enough worked with the above diagram and gotten excellent results by those who are interested in cultivating mutuality. If a person has no plan on meeting your needs then it will matter very little with or with out a empowering self sales pitch.

Another part of this can be described as reorganizing strategies in order to survive. With this in mind I remember being a kid and organizing around what my parents were available for. As I got older this way of functioning no longer served me. I did have to learn the skill of clearly standing up to be counted and counting myself first instead of stepping down because that was rewarded, especially as a female and then as a child who is dependent. Girls are 'nice' and they take care of others rather than be seen heard and cared for.

Another thing I ask in term of needs and self care is ... of the folks that I care for and give to... experience concern and connection who reciprocate? The answer today is ALL OF THEM. Although the reciprocation or exchange may look different affecting different needs for both parties ... there are no more leeches that I confuse as allies.

CHEERS!

I think you do need to choose your battles. I have found that some things are not really worth fighting over, while with others you do need to express how you are feeling. For me, one example of something not worth it is politics - I have found that my parents and I have opposing ideas and both of us are entrenched and convinced we are right and that won't change. It does depress me that my parents, who are both intelligent, loving people, seem to have these views but I have realized I cannot do much about it.

Whereas, if it was something, I don't know, something practical that upset me that I could do something practically about, I would feel I should raise that. I would try and do it face to face (emails and texts are a terrible way to raise these sorts of things IMO). I would try to choose my moment, so both of us could have a good chance of staying calm, and use 'I' instead of 'you', and try to suggest a practical solution. It might help for you to go to some kind of counselling together or a course where you can learn how to interact in a more constructive way. One thing that could help is simply being grateful. Think of what you love about your daughter, what you admire, and tell her often. People don't always do that and can get into a rut of negative interactions with each other.

But even if you try your hardest, arguments are sometimes inevitable. People get tired and stressed and the people closest to us are the ones we can let our guard down with so they see that, just as we see it in them. However those people are close to us, hopefully, because they choose to be, and because along with the bad parts they also see the good in us and want to stay with us through ups and downs.

supportplease … hello, I cannot offer any better advice but I did not want to ignore you. I hope you are coping alright & I wish you well. I hope you check back with us.