Help in Deciding to Leave or Stay Community Group
This group aims to gently help people decide about leaving or staying in their abusive relationship. This support covers whatever is needed to help the person be ready and able to go or stay; to actually make that decision and be confident it is the right one. The decision is a personal one and nobody can tell anyone what to do. We can only be with another person and help...
This book "Avoiding Mr Wrong (and what to do if you didn't) really hits home for me. It's by Stephen Arterburn. There is so much good information in here. This section I copied here sort of inspired me that leaving is the right thing to do.
Has anyone read this?
In the section on The Angry Man, he talks here about if he has hit you or hurt you or your children, do not stay. In my counseling, I am learning how in being emotionally abused, sometimes that seems to hurt worse than physical abuse. I can relate this advice to my experience. It says...
"If he has hit you or hurt you or your children, do not stay. Leave immediately. Get help. Do not remain where he can get at you. Do not believe he will change without treatment and separation. Go whether you have money, a car, or clothes. Run, do not walk. Do not go back. He needs to have you around so he can hit you and so avoid his fear of abandonment. The best thing you can do for him is to stay away. As long as he has you around, he will not have to face himself and his terror of abandonment. Not going back does not mean you have to get a divorce. It means staying safe and, if need be, living apart until he has truly gotten help and changed. Fro many women, especially those who are Christians, this move is very tough. They have a hard time seeing that there are circumstances where staying is the "bad" thing to do, and leaving is the "good" thing to do.
*If he threatens you or hurts you and/or your children, find a way to leave. Most large cities have an organization like "Women helping women". Call your local YMCA, the police dept, the United Way office, or the alcoholism council in your area. They will be able to help point you toward help. Some cities even run "safe houses" for battered women and children. Be sure to take photos of bruises and serious injuries, and seek medical help immediately. Never lie to emergency room workers. If necessary get a restraning order agains him. Christian counseling is available in many cities. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, and our team will direct you to the level of care most appropriate cfor you, through New Life Clinics or another agency.
Staying results in greater sickness and sinful results for the entire family. Leaving becomes the only hope for initiating change. Some pastors may tell you to stay and submit to the abuse. If you are influenced by that type of teaching, you need to ask yourself why you would accept such distortion of the truth. Some ministers who teach this actually believe it is the right thing to do. They believe it allows God to use the situation to make you more godly. They believe to do otherwise is dishonoring of God. God can do all of that without your staying around to be hit or placing your children in danger. Unfortunately, there are some ministers who are just like your husband, and you are not getting an unbiased opinion. No one should ever subject themselves to physical harm. Your job is to get yourself and your children to safety. No matter what the price, no matter what the sacrifice, you must get away.
You must not let any excuse be good enough to prevent you from taking action. Money, security, loneliness, and many other issues will glue you to the current situation. Don't allow them to do so. Your depression may sap you to your drive to find alternatives. They are there if you will look for them. If you cannot look for them, ask for help from a friend, a minister, or a counseling professional. Ask them to help you save your family."
Has anyone read this?
In the section on The Angry Man, he talks here about if he has hit you or hurt you or your children, do not stay. In my counseling, I am learning how in being emotionally abused, sometimes that seems to hurt worse than physical abuse. I can relate this advice to my experience. It says...
"If he has hit you or hurt you or your children, do not stay. Leave immediately. Get help. Do not remain where he can get at you. Do not believe he will change without treatment and separation. Go whether you have money, a car, or clothes. Run, do not walk. Do not go back. He needs to have you around so he can hit you and so avoid his fear of abandonment. The best thing you can do for him is to stay away. As long as he has you around, he will not have to face himself and his terror of abandonment. Not going back does not mean you have to get a divorce. It means staying safe and, if need be, living apart until he has truly gotten help and changed. Fro many women, especially those who are Christians, this move is very tough. They have a hard time seeing that there are circumstances where staying is the "bad" thing to do, and leaving is the "good" thing to do.
*If he threatens you or hurts you and/or your children, find a way to leave. Most large cities have an organization like "Women helping women". Call your local YMCA, the police dept, the United Way office, or the alcoholism council in your area. They will be able to help point you toward help. Some cities even run "safe houses" for battered women and children. Be sure to take photos of bruises and serious injuries, and seek medical help immediately. Never lie to emergency room workers. If necessary get a restraning order agains him. Christian counseling is available in many cities. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, and our team will direct you to the level of care most appropriate cfor you, through New Life Clinics or another agency.
Staying results in greater sickness and sinful results for the entire family. Leaving becomes the only hope for initiating change. Some pastors may tell you to stay and submit to the abuse. If you are influenced by that type of teaching, you need to ask yourself why you would accept such distortion of the truth. Some ministers who teach this actually believe it is the right thing to do. They believe it allows God to use the situation to make you more godly. They believe to do otherwise is dishonoring of God. God can do all of that without your staying around to be hit or placing your children in danger. Unfortunately, there are some ministers who are just like your husband, and you are not getting an unbiased opinion. No one should ever subject themselves to physical harm. Your job is to get yourself and your children to safety. No matter what the price, no matter what the sacrifice, you must get away.
You must not let any excuse be good enough to prevent you from taking action. Money, security, loneliness, and many other issues will glue you to the current situation. Don't allow them to do so. Your depression may sap you to your drive to find alternatives. They are there if you will look for them. If you cannot look for them, ask for help from a friend, a minister, or a counseling professional. Ask them to help you save your family."
It is helping me stay away, because I have left, once again. This is the 7th breakup, and my counselor says in domestic violence relationships, the average number of times it takes to break up is 7. Domestic violence need not be physical but includes emotional and verbal abuse. I am so grateful to get help from this type of counselor.
I can stay away one day at a time.
Reading things like what I shared from the book help me get strength to stay away because it is the right thing to do.
I think it is very important for us to discriminate between the various types of abusive man and this book has lots of good advice - as your quotes clearly show - about what would constitute wise responses if a woman found herself with this type of angry partner. This sort is truly dangerous and places a woman at risk. To stay is to be treated in inhuman ways. I personally don't think staying can be justified in this sort of situation.
There was a very informative review at Amazon:
"117 of 119 people found the following review helpful:
Out of the frying paninto character development, June 10, 2001
By Victoria Tarrani "writer, editor, artist, des... (Betwixt FL and CA, USA) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Avoiding Mr. Wrong (and What To Do If You Didn't) Ten Men Who Will Ruin Your Life (Hardcover)
The authors' anger throughout the discussions of the personality traits is palpable. My guess is there has been excessive experience with these personas. If you can ignore the sarcasm, then this is an excellent resource. Although this self-help book was written for women, the characteristics that create a nightmare relationship are found in both genders.
The book shows the quirks and traits of difficult individuals, and describes the "red flags" of people to avoid. Addressing "why" Mr./Ms Wrong was chosen and how to help overcome the relationship are part of the formulas within "Avoiding Mr. Wrong." Many of these traits co-exist in the same person. Additionally, there are suggestions for Mr./Ms Wrong to change.
For the writers, this information helps in creating believable characters that take over the story and create the plots.
1. Detached (D): The detached spouse finds intimacy a difficult chore. To avoid emotional involvement this person may be a workaholic who leaves home before sunrise and comes home long after it has set. Or while home stays in the "other room," and is engrossed in a PC, books, movies, sports, music, etc., anything to add distance.
2. The control freak (CF): Prince Charming or a Dominatrix is the one who manages people and events. At first, the strong support may be alluring, but to keep control this personality must rule with an iron fist. Oddly enough, this pattern's root cause is fear, and the result is to create fear in the partner.
3. Mr. or Ms Wonderful (W): When someone is too good to be true, pay attention; this person goes to extremes. No rules apply to W; Wonderful is a treat, knows it, and expects to be in the spotlight constantly. No one else has any success worth talking about for longer than it takes to return the conversation to W.
4. The cowardly lion (CL): With a great deal of honesty and courage, Stephen Arterburn states that he relates to this persona. (1) CL gives in to peer pressure, (2) takes the easy way out (although the price is steeper as time goes by), (3) stays in failing relationships rather than leave, and more. Everyone experiences cowardice, but CL lives with the terrible knowledge of being cowardly.
5. The angry man (AM): This person will become violent. Having recently met an AM, I am amazed that the eighteen red flags are so accurate. Some of the traits are (1) jealous, (2) insecure, (3) possessive of the trophy mate and (4) reattaches quickly if there is a break-up, (5) blames others, (6) views sex as the answer to any issue, (7) threatens to harm you or your loved ones, and more. The book is worth the price for this bit of information alone.
6. The mama's boy (MB): Still living at home, MB appears to be perfect because of his or her devotion and caring for Mother or Father. There is only one person that can have priority in MB's life -- his mama or her papa.
7. The deceiver (TD): Hoping for truth, yet living the lie this relationship has little chance of success. When truth is relative, or what s/he does not know will not hurt, then truth changes from day to day or hour to hour. Loyalty, fidelity, and commitment become concepts that do not exist.
8. The addict (A): The life of the party is fun to be around, but can end up costing peace of mind and every asset that has been accrued.
9. The eternal kid (EK): Peter Pan, the eccentric genius, or Gilligan all have charm that beguiles while the personality begs to be taken care of. Someone has to be the adult -- so why not you? Wendy grows up; Peter takes no responsibility.
10. The ungodly man (UM): With no concept of spirituality, desperation rules UM. While claiming to have no faith in God's existence, UM blames God for the "bad things" that happen in the world. In addition, it is imperative to UM that he is right and believers are wrong.
This is a book packed with information about, and tips on how to avoid, getting involved with a person who can ultimately ruin your life. (5 stars) However, the heavy dose of sarcasm and anger take away the "page turner" aspect. (Delete one star.)
Victoria Tarrani "
Thank you, Victoria.
There was a very informative review at Amazon:
"117 of 119 people found the following review helpful: Out of the frying paninto character development, June 10, 2001 By Victoria Tarrani "writer, editor, artist, des... (Betwixt FL and CA, USA) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Avoiding Mr. Wrong (and What To Do If You Didn't) Ten Men Who Will Ruin Your Life (Hardcover)
The authors' anger throughout the discussions of the personality traits is palpable. My guess is there has been excessive experience with these personas. If you can ignore the sarcasm, then this is an excellent resource.
Although this self-help book was written for women, the characteristics that create a nightmare relationship are found in both genders. The book shows the quirks and traits of difficult individuals, and describes the "red flags" of people to avoid. Addressing "why" Mr./Ms Wrong was chosen and how to help overcome the relationship are part of the formulas within "Avoiding Mr. Wrong." Many of these traits co-exist in the same person. Additionally, there are suggestions for Mr./Ms Wrong to change. For the writers, this information helps in creating believable characters that take over the story and create the plots.
1. Detached (D): The detached spouse finds intimacy a difficult chore. To avoid emotional involvement this person may be a workaholic who leaves home before sunrise and comes home long after it has set. Or while home stays in the "other room," and is engrossed in a PC, books, movies, sports, music, etc., anything to add distance.
2. The control freak (CF): Prince Charming or a Dominatrix is the one who manages people and events. At first, the strong support may be alluring, but to keep control this personality must rule with an iron fist. Oddly enough, this pattern's root cause is fear, and the result is to create fear in the partner.
3. Mr. or Ms Wonderful (W): When someone is too good to be true, pay attention; this person goes to extremes. No rules apply to W; Wonderful is a treat, knows it, and expects to be in the spotlight constantly. No one else has any success worth talking about for longer than it takes to return the conversation to W.
4. The cowardly lion (CL): With a great deal of honesty and courage, Stephen Arterburn states that he relates to this persona. (1) CL gives in to peer pressure, (2) takes the easy way out (although the price is steeper as time goes by), (3) stays in failing relationships rather than leave, and more. Everyone experiences cowardice, but CL lives with the terrible knowledge of being cowardly.
5. The angry man (AM): This person will become violent. Having recently met an AM, I am amazed that the eighteen red flags are so accurate. Some of the traits are (1) jealous, (2) insecure, (3) possessive of the trophy mate and (4) reattaches quickly if there is a break-up, (5) blames others, (6) views sex as the answer to any issue, (7) threatens to harm you or your loved ones, and more. The book is worth the price for this bit of information alone.
6. The mama's boy (MB): Still living at home, MB appears to be perfect because of his or her devotion and caring for Mother or Father. There is only one person that can have priority in MB's life -- his mama or her papa.
7. The deceiver (TD): Hoping for truth, yet living the lie this relationship has little chance of success. When truth is relative, or what s/he does not know will not hurt, then truth changes from day to day or hour to hour. Loyalty, fidelity, and commitment become concepts that do not exist.
8. The addict (A): The life of the party is fun to be around, but can end up costing peace of mind and every asset that has been accrued.
9. The eternal kid (EK): Peter Pan, the eccentric genius, or Gilligan all have charm that beguiles while the personality begs to be taken care of. Someone has to be the adult -- so why not you? Wendy grows up; Peter takes no responsibility.
10. The ungodly man (UM): With no concept of spirituality, desperation rules UM. While claiming to have no faith in God's existence, UM blames God for the "bad things" that happen in the world. In addition, it is imperative to UM that he is right and believers are wrong. This is a book packed with information about, and tips on how to avoid, getting involved with a person who can ultimately ruin your life. (5 stars) However, the heavy dose of sarcasm and anger take away the "page turner" aspect. (Delete one star.) Victoria Tarrani "
Thank you, Victoria.
There was a very informative review at Amazon:
"117 of 119 people found the following review helpful: Out of the frying paninto character development, June 10, 2001 By Victoria Tarrani "writer, editor, artist, des... (Betwixt FL and CA, USA) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Avoiding Mr. Wrong (and What To Do If You Didn't) Ten Men Who Will Ruin Your Life (Hardcover)
The authors' anger throughout the discussions of the personality traits is palpable. My guess is there has been excessive experience with these personas. If you can ignore the sarcasm, then this is an excellent resource.
Although this self-help book was written for women, the characteristics that create a nightmare relationship are found in both genders. The book shows the quirks and traits of difficult individuals, and describes the "red flags" of people to avoid. Addressing "why" Mr./Ms Wrong was chosen and how to help overcome the relationship are part of the formulas within "Avoiding Mr. Wrong." Many of these traits co-exist in the same person. Additionally, there are suggestions for Mr./Ms Wrong to change. For the writers, this information helps in creating believable characters that take over the story and create the plots.
1. Detached (D): The detached spouse finds intimacy a difficult chore. To avoid emotional involvement this person may be a workaholic who leaves home before sunrise and comes home long after it has set. Or while home stays in the "other room," and is engrossed in a PC, books, movies, sports, music, etc., anything to add distance.
2. The control freak (CF): Prince Charming or a Dominatrix is the one who manages people and events. At first, the strong support may be alluring, but to keep control this personality must rule with an iron fist. Oddly enough, this pattern's root cause is fear, and the result is to create fear in the partner.
3. Mr. or Ms Wonderful (W): When someone is too good to be true, pay attention; this person goes to extremes. No rules apply to W; Wonderful is a treat, knows it, and expects to be in the spotlight constantly. No one else has any success worth talking about for longer than it takes to return the conversation to W.
4. The cowardly lion (CL): With a great deal of honesty and courage, Stephen Arterburn states that he relates to this persona. (1) CL gives in to peer pressure, (2) takes the easy way out (although the price is steeper as time goes by), (3) stays in failing relationships rather than leave, and more. Everyone experiences cowardice, but CL lives with the terrible knowledge of being cowardly.
5. The angry man (AM): This person will become violent. Having recently met an AM, I am amazed that the eighteen red flags are so accurate. Some of the traits are (1) jealous, (2) insecure, (3) possessive of the trophy mate and (4) reattaches quickly if there is a break-up, (5) blames others, (6) views sex as the answer to any issue, (7) threatens to harm you or your loved ones, and more. The book is worth the price for this bit of information alone.
6. The mama's boy (MB): Still living at home, MB appears to be perfect because of his or her devotion and caring for Mother or Father. There is only one person that can have priority in MB's life -- his mama or her papa.
7. The deceiver (TD): Hoping for truth, yet living the lie this relationship has little chance of success. When truth is relative, or what s/he does not know will not hurt, then truth changes from day to day or hour to hour. Loyalty, fidelity, and commitment become concepts that do not exist.
8. The addict (A): The life of the party is fun to be around, but can end up costing peace of mind and every asset that has been accrued.
9. The eternal kid (EK): Peter Pan, the eccentric genius, or Gilligan all have charm that beguiles while the personality begs to be taken care of. Someone has to be the adult -- so why not you? Wendy grows up; Peter takes no responsibility.
10. The ungodly man (UM): With no concept of spirituality, desperation rules UM. While claiming to have no faith in God's existence, UM blames God for the "bad things" that happen in the world. In addition, it is imperative to UM that he is right and believers are wrong. This is a book packed with information about, and tips on how to avoid, getting involved with a person who can ultimately ruin your life. (5 stars) However, the heavy dose of sarcasm and anger take away the "page turner" aspect. (Delete one star.) Victoria Tarrani "
Thank you, Victoria.
If it looks interesting and the way it looks is too much, I suggest you go to that URL I gave and read Victoria's comments there. I thought she put things well and it convinced me to get the book (2nd hand as usual, if I can).