Help in Deciding to Leave or Stay Community Group

This group aims to gently help people decide about leaving or staying in their abusive relationship. This support covers whatever is needed to help the person be ready and able to go or stay; to actually make that decision and be confident it is the right one. The decision is a personal one and nobody can tell anyone what to do. We can only be with another person and help...

30 Members

154 Posts

0 Online

deleted_user 09/14/2009

Hi-I have been with my husband 15 years. Twelve years ago he pushed me and I ended up with 20 stitches on my forehead. We were apart for 6months- during that time he went to anger management and quit drinking. We reconciled with blessings from the therapists- we were the exception to the 'he will never change" rule. We have a 13 year old daughter together. Over time he has become increasingly mean to her- alot of criticizing, yelling. He has also been more and more negative all the time. He still is not drinking-as far as I know- but he will not go to therapy and insists there is no problem. He had a fit in April because our daughter cut an apple without a cutting board. We left for the weekend but came back because...well- you know- he was going to change. But not much has really changed. I have found a place to rent- 99% sure- we have a little money squirreled away for retirement and I figure I will take that to get us started. But I keep doubting my perceptions and decisions. I have watched things get worse over the years and really do not want to end up in the hospital again or God forbid something happen to my daughter before I leave- but I feel so lost! I hate the idea of leaving the home that I have worked so hard to create but know from experience that he will not leave or give me a change for a clean start if I am in 'our house'. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.
Thanks~Barb

deleted_user 09/20/2009

This is baaaaddd... You did give it a try. I know many women who walked away from much, to have peace, freedom, and raise their kids in a non-violent home. I wish I would have left when I had an awesome job, and would have had more education, etc about this stuff. Well, my oldest ended up with severe repercussions from this. I feel GUILTY I made him suffer instead of doing the right thing. I have been keeping a journal since, & see similar behaviours towards the youngest. My spouse comes out of the woodwork w/some of the old ways, & I just a few wks ago told him I have been observing his behaviour, & that is "why I left you last time"...yeah I did! He's on the watch. I was getting ready to move out this past spring, but my job I tho' I had fell through. (I was a temp to hire). I just want to be happy too & not have this pain anymore & move on. I am worried cuz I dont have a job, & the economy. Mine was doing the same thing: its like they are bi-polar, jekyl/hyde behavior. It will make you lose your self-esteem, etc. If you have a job, that is awesome. Start making a plan, then go talk to a trusted friend, pastor, counselor & go from there. If need be, activate your plan. PS document everything in a journal & date it. If he is physical get out to a safe place. Many online sites have a check list. Put this checklist in 'active' mode & use it if need be. Bruises, etc call the police when you are out safely & take pictures.
**hugs**

deleted_user 07/26/2011

I'm not sure what to say. My son had not yet become the victim of abuse when I chose to leave my ex 3 years ago. I thought he would be devasted because he was such a happy kid. We went from a beautiful 3 bedroom home with a huge backyard to a 2 br apartment that I could barely afford. It was ok though because it was a fresh start and we had each other. Although my son was only 9 at the time, he told me a short time after we left that he had wanted to go for a long time. Not in those exact words.
It's never too late to create a new ending to your own story! That's part of a quote I stole. I'm not that insightful! Ha!
Now if I could remember and follow my own words of wisdom this time...

Join the Conversation