Well I'm 33 gonna be married for 12 years with 3 kids, one which has ODD, and been doing counseling for her and with the family, and changing medications a lot. My marriage has been rocky since day 1, we have no trust, no communication, no respect for each other. And when your trying to raise 3 kids well then they start not having respect and their own issues that come from the marriage. I came from a good home, parents together no abuse, no fighting, a lot of love. My husband came from a broken home, was kicked out of school at 16, in jail by the time he was 18, and just fighting the law ever since. We met, I think I was going through a bad boy phase I got pregnant, my parents said your marrying him and 12 years later here I am.
My husband has always been controlling, it's his way or he makes things unbearable. Holidays are horrible with him, because he makes it known that he's not happy. Money has always been tight with us, up until 4 years ago he jumped job to job, always excuses on why he would quit or get fired if he pissed off the people. He finally went and got his truck driving license and drives truck. Which is a good job because he can bitch at the cars and nobody hears him. Of course he calls me daily to bitch on the phone with me about how nobody knows how to drive. In the beginning of our marriage I had a lot of friends, well we would get invited to do things with them and he would speak his mind and alienate everyone. He thinks his way of thinking is right and everyone else is wrong. Now we don't get invited anywhere. My one friend left she does invite me when she knows he won't be around and I don't blame her. I've stayed home with the kids till they started school, which made finaces worse. I am working now, a work at home job. I tried going to a job but I'm sleeping with everyone that also works there and it just makes it more stressful on me. He does nothing but work, doesn't help around the house, I don't get to do much outside of the home unless I want to hear the bitching about how we can't afford the gas, or why I'm not home to make dinner. (and mind you when I go anywhere I have the 3 kids) 2 years ago, he left. We went through a really bad patch in the marriage and he started talking to a ex-girlfriend and he packed his bags got a apartment and moved out. Now 4 years ago I had a affair, and before I had the affair I tried to move out, and he went nuts. Of course I wasn't working at the time and I was stuck. So stupid me had the affair. But his reason was I had a affair and he had to move out to clear his head. We were seperated for 4 months, it was heaven. The kids and I were happier, no stress no yelling no judgements. And I let him come back. I could kick myself. Nothing changed, he moved out on his own for his reasons. And felt he didn't have to change. I'm re-reading what I'm writing and I'm softening it up. I hate to vent what really goes on, because it's been the same shit for 12 years. A month ago I told him I wanted to seperate again, he of course said no way if your not happy that's not my fault its yours and you gotta change it. Well I want to change I want to do things with my kids I want a life! He has the weekends off and all he does is sit on the couch and watch tv. And at night he comes home eats, watches tv and then goes to bed at 7:30, he watches tv till around 10 then actually goes to bed. But leaves me to deal with putting the kids to bed. And I get up with them in the mornings. The only thing he does is call and bitch at the schools or the kids or someone if it's not the way he likes it. The beginning of this school year he called and complained about the registration fees and told them hes not paying it. If the kids have to go to school then they should pay it and lunches. Up until last year we got free lunches so we didn't have to worry about it, but now we are over the income. And then there's the issue of school clothes for the kids. He doesn't think they need anything new to start school. Now I want my kids to go to school happy with new stuff, kids are harsh these days and they don't need that to start off the year especially since my daughter gets into trouble at school. He thinks we are broke all the time. Unless it's soemthing he wants to do he wont spend the money. He's got a loan through the bank for 20,000 for his sports car and his motorcycle. But I drive a beat up mini-van. We can't even put the kids in his car and go anywhere and be comfortable because its a 2 door. Up until last year my parents bought all the kids there school clothes, and then my mom took them shopping again yesterday because school started last week and they didn't get much new because my job isn't the best paying one. My paycheck goes for my van payment and the car insurance (both his and mine) the phone and cable and the water, and the kids stuff. He pays for the rent, the electric and his loan payments. And I also had to pay the school fees and the lunches that weren't paid last year. If I have to borrow money from him, he wants it all back even if its something for the kids or school related. We have never shared money, his money is his and mine is mine. When we go shopping for groceries, he seperates it, and he pays for what he thinks we need and I pay for what I want or the kids want. We don't own anything jointly, everything is either his or mine which is a pain in the butt with kids because they say well it's dads, he pays the bills, mostly because that's what he says all the time.
We live in a small community and everyone knows him. Business's have all came in contact with him and his mouth. And he threatens to sue everyone. There was a transaction on his bank statement, and omg he went off on the lady at the bank for 5 dollars. Said he was gonna pull his loans from that bank and go somewhere else if they didn't find out who was stealing. Well it was a error on his part of course he didn't call and tell them that. And I went into the bank the next day and the lady came to me and said tell your husband that we need that form signed asap when he gets it really rude to me and I get that all the time from the back lash of what he does to people and I hate it. I've appolized to the school numerous times and tell them I do not share his same opinions and values. But I just feel stupid. And the name calling..ive been called them all. I walk away now if we get into a fight and he calls me a name, I don't need to hear it. And him and our oldest daughter are like the same person. And when she's in a bad mood, well he has to make it worse by getting in her face and making a mountain out of a mole hill. My daughters counselors knows that I'm not happy and she knows how my husband is since the last family therapy we had he told her that nobody is gonna tell him how to raise his kids. And that her profession is a waste of time. Of course because she is a therapist all she can do is say well that's your opinion. Well I called her one day and she told me I needed someone to talk to about our marriage, and I ended up talking to her for 3 hours. Her opinion to me was your a broken family now, and you can either try to fix it or have a broken family seperated. And she said since you have already been seperated you have a upper hand in knowing how the kids and myself are without him.
OMG I wrote you all a book. And you know thats just the tip of the iceberg. I've read everyone else's posts, and I know how most of you are feeling. Somedays I have so much energy and that's the day I'm gonna pack up my bags and move in with my parents. Last time I packed me and the kids up though the cops were at the door and told me I couldn't take the kids from there homes. That if I wanted him to leave then I would have to take different action. Well of course I was so ashamed that he called the cops and embarrassed I just came home. Then other days I think things will change. But they don't. I read on here about making a list, well I actually put a pad and paper in front of him and told him to write down what he does for me and the kids, besides finacially. He couldn't write anything down. He threw the pad and paper across the room and said well if you don't see it that's not my problem. Well then a few hours later he gave me the pad and pen and asked what I want him to do. I didn't finish it. I figure in 12 years if he doesn't realize what would be helpful in our marriage then I'm done.
Being a long holiday weekend, it's gonna be torture for me and the kids. My brother comes from 4 hours away and spend the time at my parents which is 15 mins from here and he is going to bitch and complain about me going and taking the kids. He is also invited but all he does is bitch and complain the whole time asking when are we leaving.
I got the phone number for the legal aide to file for divorce, I want to call and find out information but I'm afraid. I know that it will be a fight with him. He already told me he would sit in jail rather then give me one dime of child support. And over my dead body am I going to take the kids from him. I'm just trying to courage myself up for the long road ahead of me, and it's hard. He always tells me after we fight about me wanting him out (normally a 3 hour lecture until I break down and don't want to hear that how I'm feeling is wrong so I just close off) that he does love me, but it's not even about love anymore.
thank you for letting me vent...it does help a lot.