Have you tried writing this all down in a journal and then re-reading it when times are good? It really is a tool that many here use, including me, that has kept us from going back repeatedly. And I mean write everything down. When it's good, when it's bad, everything. You will start to see patterns to his behavior that you will note be able to tolerate when it's only the two of you and you don't have a computer because HE deems it "silly". Just a thought.

You can see the trouble looming. What pulls you to go against this?

I had a sister who went to another country with a guy when she was 16. It took her 3 years to get back. She said they were absolute hell.

Angel, he is blaming the distance so he doesn't have to blame himself for his abusive actions. You can see it for what it is without him around because you are actually thinking about it and not just reacting to it. This isn't going to get any better if you go, he is just going to find another excuse to blame it all on and then it starts all over again with you thousands of miles from anyone.

That glimmer of hope that you always respond to is what we all responded to. The problem is that this is something that abusers like him do on purpose. They know that the constant pummelling of abuse is not going to hold us so they act nice from time to time. Maybe even for a long time. But it is never, and I mean NEVER, permanent. The key word here is "act". They are acting nice, not *being* nice. They know exactly what to do to hold you in the realtionship and do what they want and we tolerate what they do because we think back to the *nice* times. The nice times are a lie. They are a manipulation of our hearts and our minds.

I know that the trouble is looming. That's why I think I'm so disappointed in myself for wanting him still. I feel like I have nothing keeping me here now because I already quit a great job to go there. It's amazing that he can literally be across the world yet still have this huge hold upon me. Maybe it's because I just want it to work so badly that I feel if I give it a chance, it just may. I have no idea what to do. I really don't want to go there with this horrible pit in my stomach. My friends and family are so excited for me to go.(they have no clue at all whats going on) I think I also feel like I don't want to disappoint them if this relationship fails. He seems like the "perfect man" to everyone. I wish I could go with my intuition rather than my heart. I don't know how I can change this.

It's good that you have a great job waiting. That gives you freedom. You can leave him if you want. You could buy your own computer.

I know it is hard to fight the part of us that draws us into what another part warns us against. Perhaps you should urgently seek out a good therapist to try to root out this disturbance that stops you centering on your inner self and acting from it.

I myself ignored so much in my life that was warning me and I paid a big price each time and still am. I didn't have the wisdom to know WHY my intuition, gut and even dreams were warning me, but they were... and I ignored them.

A tip I once heard about gambling is not to gamble what you can't afford to lose. Will any big harm be done if you go with him and it bottoms up? But there is another saying that we are affected by all we experience (so experience judiciously as this is you and your life).

Maybe it'd help you to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker.

I may have gotten confused here - Angel do you have a great job waiting for you there or did you quit a great job where you are now to go there?

As for your family - their excitement would be damn short-lived if they knew the truth of the situation. Try telling them what you are telling us and see what happens. And who give a hoot what they think if the relationship fails? That is between you and you. No one else. My ex seemed like the perfect man to everyone also. He was sweet and charming and nice and kind. To everyone but me. Me he beat black and blue.

Want to change it? Stop it. Just for about 15 mins. Just stop. Think of your life without him in it. A good job right where you are, an honest relationship with your family, a computer of your own, and no one, and I mean that - NO ONE - telling you that anything you want is silly and stupid and no one fighting with you and no one questioning what you want or why you want it or that you flat can't have it. Just for 15 mins. Yes I bet the thought takes your breath away, but isn't there that one little kernel of hope in there also? That the abusive life you very clearly see with him is NOT the one you want? You don't have to do anything about it right now - just think about it.

No, I just quit my job where I am now to go there. I've worked there for the past 12 years. It's so difficult because I feel like even if I do stay here, I've already given up a major part of my life for him. I'm scared to start over. I'm disappointed in myself for giving up my job when at the time things were so called going well. I used to be so independent. I don't know where that part of me has now gone. I wish I could find her again. I think that he's dragged me down so much now that even staying here and trying to find a job seems like a huge task. It's so annoying that I've given up sooooo much for him and he had nothing to give up. I don't know where to begin to get my confidence back.

Angel, this whole post makes me so sad for you. This is a set up for major isolation, to move you away from friends and family, to have no way to contact them....Please rethink it. Trouble is an understatement for what you are setting yourself up for.

Can you go and talk to your family truthfully? Tell them about him? Will they support you and try to help you through this? Please listen to all the good people here, and rethink this decision.

He is setting you up in Abuser heaven. Half a world away from everyone who cares for you. Please don't go.

I know all of what everyone is saying is true. But I feel silly because I keep hoping that he will be different this time. It's like I'm trying to belive what I want to believe and not reality. I don't feel like I can tell my family. Just in case it does work out I don't want to have them dislike him and have to hear it from them forever. I also feel like a failer if this relationship doesn't work out.

Angel, Try to stand back and look at this as if you were someone else. As if your sister, or a dear friend was going to do this. Knowing all you know abut abuse, and abusers, and the cycles you go through. What would you say?

You would say what I said...."What the F**k are you doing there?" Listen to that little voice in the back of your head. Don't worry about your family not liking him. Keep them informed, about the truth, so they can support you. If he should make a miraculous turnaround they will be happy....but in the meantime you are becoming more and more isolated, which A.) is not good for anyone, we need those close ties. and B.) It sets him up to do whatever he wants, which is to control you, and abuse you, and make himself the center of your universe to the point you lose yourself.

After many many years with an abuser, I will tell you that they are only nice to set you up for more abuse. To give you that glimmer of hope for something that they will never never give you. If you've been on this board for very long you have heard the statistic...Less than 2% of abusers ever change.

A little voice in the back of your head is telling you not to go....PLEASE listen to the voice. If you want to give it another try, do it here, close to your family. Please don't go to a foreign country, where you will have NO Rights, No Job, No support system. Please.

Hi Angel, I'm new to this group, but not new to the situation. 40 years ago, I moved 2000 miles from family and friends for a guy everyone thought was THE perfect man. Most still do. I spent 35 years with him and another 4 1/2 years separated from him before we divorced. I used to volunteer at a women's shelter and I promise you the glimmer of the wonderful person we all see is a MIRAGE 99.9% of the time. I, too held on to those teeny moments of his wonderfulness thinking he would eventually grow into that person. He never did. NEITHER WILL YOURS.

Because of his job, we moved around a lot (good way to keep us isolated) so I rarely got to have even one friend, let alone a network of support. Almost from the get go, I felt helpless (no money, no talent) to leave AND coming from a very toxic family, I thought that no one would understand and they would blame me because growing up I was always held responsible for everything that went bad and nothing that went right. I sense this might be the case with you too.

I know you feel horrible about leaving your job, but you CAN get another job. Since you were there for 12 years, go to your boss and tell him/her you discovered that this relationship is not what it seemed and is there any chance you can get your job (or a different one) back. You never know until you ask AND even if they say no, you are no worse off than you were before. Even if they can't reinstate you, they may know of other positions available in your area. Use them as a resource. Also go to your nearest women's shelter and utilize their resources. Most are set up to help you find work. AND they can get you into counseling to help you find your lost sweet self, work on your self esteem, set boundaries and recognize the wonderfulness of the real you.

Sweetie, isn't it better to stand up and say I screwed up than knowingly put yourself in harm's way? Making mistakes is part of life - we all make them (believe me I have made way more than my fair share & I forget to remind myself of this all the time). However, if you learn from your mistakes, then they are NOT failures, but rather SUCCESSES. Once you say out loud to someone "I messed up," it becomes way less important than it was when you were only carrying it around inside of you.

On a side note here, I made a huge mistake and never told my family & few friends what was going on in my marriage. So 35 years later, they were shocked to say the least and I'm not sure they believed me. I was raised that you don't air your dirty laundry in public. I understand the fear that everyone will blame you. Even if they do, is it worth ruining your life for? Take it from me, it's a helluva lot harder to start your life over at 60 with no support system than at 30!! And yes, I still do get down on myself, from force of habit thanks to dw (dickwad - my name for my ex).

Your boy friend sounds like a narcissist and they never take responsibility for their actions (honeymoon periods don't count because they aren't real or truthful). If he WANTS this to work out, let him come to YOU!

Please remember the definition of insanity....doing the same thing the same way over and over and expecting different results. You have the opportunity to start fresh in a place where you have some roots. Even if people don't believe you at first, I bet they will, because eventually he will show his butt... Save his emails, tape phone conversations, but until he's made major long term changes, please stay where you are. You CAN make it on your own!!!

Hugs!!!

I've always thought to myself that if someone else was telling me the same story to me about my situation, I'd think they were crazy. Unfortunately, it's not easy for me to call it quits. I wish so much I could. I'm so depressed here at home lately so I feel like either way I'm going to feel miserable. If I did stay here right now, I have to look for a job and pick myself up from this depression I'm feeling. I don't feel like I even have the energy to do that right now. I need to work on myself, I know I do. I can't continue feeling like this. I'm praying that by me going there, it will make me stronger in some way. I'm starting to resent him now and to be honest I'm getting sick of fighting for our relationship. I know I should leave him but until I get to rock bottom, he has a hold on me. I used to be a strong independent woman and I need to work on finding her again.

Angel,

Oh, I am praying that you will read what your wrote. You will NEVER find yourself with an abuser. You are sick of fighting for the relationship so you are just giving up.....but you're giving up yourself, your life. You will NEVER get stronger with an abuser. Honey, cut your losses and RUN!!!!! If you hit rock bottom over there, you will have no support, no family, no money, and NO RIGHTS....

I too, knew that if I was on the outside looking in at my relationship, I would be asking what the hell are you doing here. And I used that to drive me to make a better life, AWAY from my abuser. YOU CAN DO THIS TOO!!!!!! Please, please, believe in yourself. Don't let him have another piece of you....Angel, we will all be here for you. You can rise from this depression....but not if you fly into the tempest that causes it. OH please please put yourself first.

Please don't set yourself up for a tragedy....Please stop thinking he is who you wanted him to be. Please see who he is. See what he is doing to you. See the manipulation that is going on here. He is setting you up for abuser heaven....These men suck us in because they have empty black holes for hearts, they suck everything out of you, and nothing comes back to you from it....it just disappears. You can do this....your life is YOURS, not his. Don't do this. Please don't do this.

Reclaim yourself. In my deepest darkest hours, I knew I wanted a joyful life. It's what you want to. I know this. You can find it. But not half a world away....Please go talk to a therapist, to your family, Don't worry what anyone will think. It doesn't matter. All that matters to the people who love you is that you are safe, and happy.....Allow them to be there for you. Let them in, like you have let us in. Look at the outpouring of support from people who don't even know you....Imagine what you will get from those who know and love you....Reach out, ask, you're not an island, you don't have to do this alone.

Angel....listen to your gut, to your heart. Don't listen to your mind....it has too much clutter, too much baggage. Listen to your heart, to your soul. Don't go....Please don't.....