Thanks for your replies.

If you are feeling that she is not helping you and you are resisting telling her things than you are at the end of the road with her.

Having said that there are some things I feel I need to say. If you feel I am wrong feel free to ignore me, but think about it ok?

When you say he changes the subject and he doesn't realize it, do you really believe that? He is an alcoholic abuser. He knows exactly what he is doing, drunk or not. He does not value your opinions or your thoughts and without actually saying that out loud his actions are speaking volumes.

All relationships have the give and take, the ebb and flow, of life. Sometimes you give, sometimes you take. That's all very normal. But when was the last time he willingly gave you anything at all and, more importantly, when was the time before that. I don't mean to put it all down to a tit for tat tally, but that may be something that helps you see just how much you are giving and just how much he is taking. I understand that he can melt your heart, so could my ex. But it was always because he was so pitiful and needed me so badly. It was never because he did something gloriously selfless. Is that what yours is doing?

And please at least be open to your counselors suggestions that certain things are abusive, whether you want to admit it or not. Sometimes an objective person sees things that we are just to close to. Most anyone that told me my ex was abusive while I was still in my marriage I disagreed with. Of course afterwards I had to admit that they were right.

Having said all that, it is entirely possible that your counselor is just not the one for you and it is time to move on to another who is a bit more understanding and communicates differently.

I don't know what my future holds. I just know I cancelled appointment with counselor tomorrow, stating I don't know what to share and I am still processing what she said, and don't want to get into a disagreement with her. Yes the ex as I refer to him, is abusive, though not every instance is abuse. No, he is not drunk. He had nearly 3 years clean and sober and relapsed for a couple weeks when he got a possible cancer diagnosis, and he is clean again. Anyway, like I said, I am leaning towards making the next year and a half different from the last, and getting all the support I can, and not willing to work with some counselor who is putting time constraints on me due to her supervisor not agreeing with my "progress". Since his relapse, we have been back and forth twice (4 months). Progress never perfection. I will never b e perfect. I'm not a black and white thinker. The counseling has helped me tremendously, and the relationship has had it's good times, both having various hurdles to overcome, some of them I am not capable of making, where I need to remember I can turn it over to my higher power, and leave it there.

Yes, it is possible the counsellor could say things you don't understand yet as I know from my own experience how long it has taken me to get as far as I have - and I'm still needing to learn.

Having said that, I do know the counselling and therapeutic profession and task. And I caution and encourage you not to assume she is doing ok. She may not be. And DV Agencies vary as do their employees. Maybe you'd be better off with a change. If so, I'd suggest an accredited marital therapist, or at least a judicious change.

And trust your gut with her. She should be empowering you, not overpowering you and making you walk on eggshells with her and want to avoid her when what you want to do is speak up and be helped from where you "are" in yourself. We can only start from where we are and she may not be skillful enough at that. I don't know but it is worth reflecting on. And ask yourself if you have gained enough from her over the time you have been with her - indeed, what have you gained from her?

And is the DV Agency person trying to act like a therapist when she isn't?

I must rush to work. I hope this helps.

Hugs,

Rosie

Sorry to hear about the relapse. I remember reading about that in another post and I am sorry but I did not understand from that post that he was getting sober again. Good for him. Considering the heavy medical issues, is he taking care of it yet? I sincerely hope he is. And I mean "he" is, not you are for him. Yes giving him loving support through something like that is admirable, but doing it for him, or forcing him to do it for himself is not the same thing. When we do it for them we enable more of the codependent behavior that we both know does them no good and does damage to us.

I am sorry to hear you say that you cancelled your counseling appointment but truthfully maybe it's all for the best. Now you are free to find a new counselor that will take you where you are and help move you forward a bit. Good Luck.

Thanks for your replies. I don't know if I will go back to the counselor. I am still talking to the ex, but not seeing him lately.

For me, alot of the attraction to counseling is validation for my feelings and perceptions, and with disagreements between the counselor and me, I was just not wanting to work through that this week. She suggested a break in counseling in a month if I continue as is, and I guess I was discouraged.

I find that staying away one day at a time is helpful, when forever seems overwhelming.

Yes, he is sick, and says he's taking care of himself as best as he can, though I totally disagree, and yes I don't want to enable him. He hasn't seen a dr since the diagnosis and he has had some serious problems and pain since. Not my problem, but I tend to want to take it on, though I am backing off now. Part of me even wonders if he sees the caretaker in me and thinks being sick will keep me around. I'm letting him take responsiblity now, and it's hard. Al Anon is helping.

I think a reason I stay stuck, when I get past the compulsion to caretake, is not wanting to break his heart. And I know it may be the honest thing to do. As far as the "relationship", we talk, but we're not as close as previously, and I am much more independent than originally, and not as submissive.

This sounds good to me, Loved1.

I am glad Alanon is helping. It does have a lot to offer. I love the book of readings. It's so wise.

That's an interesting saying "break his heart". I don't think I can relate to it. His heart won't get broken if you'll fail to indulge him. He'll just not get everything he wants. If he acts all "poor me", then he is doing it to manipulate you and/or he is thinking dysfunctionally. It is unreasonable of him to expect that you are his slave.

And he won't look after himself if acting helpless and irresponsible gets you doing for him what he should.