That is one of my problems - my husband has a drug problem, but the issue is his mental illness. It has made me hesitant to quit on him, but also when I do feel the need to start a new life, I am hesitant because I am a bit afraid of him since he is now self medicating and I think very unstable. I am trying to figure out a plan, because there have been many times that I took the kids when I was upset, but ultimately came back because I didn't have things planned out. I just don't know who to turn to that can help me figure out the best plan - I can't go to a therapist right now, so I was looking towards this web site for advice from others who have been there.

I know what you are going through. Thankfully he does not have a drug problem but he does have a drinking problem. I am so gratful that I do not have kids at this point because that would be so hard.

Do you work? If you can stash away some get up and go money even it takes you a while to build up a large amount at least you can have somewhere to go.

Does he get violent with you or your kids?

First, check out the News Articles on the group. There is one called "Safety Plans". There are three different ones and you can accomodate each to fit your specific needs.

First, I sincerely hope both of you know that *his* issues are not *your* fault. Whether they are mental health issues or chemical dependancy issues, only he can choose what to do about them. For the mental health issues, we are all woefully unqualified to either diagnose or treat. Only a professional can do that. Have either of them sought professional help? If perscription medication is required - are they taking it as they should? These are choices that only they can make. You can not do that for them.

As for the chemical dependency issues - self-medicating is never a good thing and leads to nothing but heartache - generally ours and not theirs. Yes it makes then extraordinarily unstable and brings out their worst tendencies. Again, this is a choice then are making. If they choose to numb themselves instead of dealing directly with the problem at hand, they are doing neither you nor themselves any justice.

Please start to do everything you can to protect yourself and your children. Review the Safety Plans on this site. One of them is for when you choose to stay with your abuser, so don't think they are just escape plans. Start thinking for yourself and seperate as much of your decision making as you can away from your abuser's influence.

VAl, you know this is interesting to me. Because while I was in the marriage, and then after, fighting for my son, I just thought of him as a mean, abusive controlling sociopathic creep....which he is. But, now, I look at him, and I know he has some type of mental illness, which probably causes him to be this way. I think it;s inherited...his grandfather was a known monster....

But when I look at him....He has let everything run into the ground, his home, his family, his business, his own health. He used to throw trash on the floor and leave it there....He is in complete denial that I have left him, and now our son has....I talked to my sil the other day, and he has not told his family yet that I've moved out!!!! 19 months later.

It doesn't change anything, except that I can see that there is some underlying cause for what he has done to me, and my son. It doesn't change it, it doesn't make me want to have anything to do with him....I am even more glad that my son has chosen to stay here, and not there. I trust the stbx even less, now that I've had this epihpany..because I don't think he's reached his bottom yet.

As you say, only he can decide to do something about these issues. I never had any influence with him. why would I? He had no respect care or concern for anyone except himself.....But it is interesting to me to see this come up.....because it's only recently that I've gotten far enough away to see a slightly bigger picture.

Thanks everyone....

I KNOW my husband has an undiagnosed mental illness. I still live with my husband for the time being. Given his murderous look at me tonight I don't know for how long tho. My mother inlaw was seriously depressed for the last twenty years of her life, she was an abusive wife and mother a liar and back stabber. Her death didn't end the problems. My husband just can't accept his mother was unloving and uncaring and damaged him and his siblings and both her husbands.

He plays violent computer games and today has gone off the deep end for the first time in months. It was too good for the peace to last I guess.

He doesn't listen to what is said, he yells, name calls, throws things, makes false accusations and claims of what he says I have said or done which are always false and untrue. It's always my fault he is angry and I'm to blame even though I repeat often, like a broken record, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.

That is all I have to say to get him to leave the house in a huff...THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE