I have been with my H (I hate to even call him that) for 23 years. I no longer love him and can't even stand to be in the same house as him. I married him because I had my daughter and my mom wanted me to make things right...she told me that no other man would want me now that I had a child and no man would ever love my child the way her father would. I didn't want to get married then..I knew in my heart it wasn't right. But I didn't want to let down my parents either so I went ahead with the marriage. All the way down the aisle of the church that day I was telling myself...this is only for 18 years, once your daughter is grown you can leave. I know I never should have been feeling that way on my wedding day but the abusive had started before then. One day I was holding my daughter and he was yelling at me about something. I tried to fight back...I always said I would never let any man treat me that way. That was the one and only time he hit me but it was enough to scare me and after that I never fought back for fear of what might happen if I did. I decided then and there that I would never tell anybody how I was truly living...I was ashamed, embarrassed and scared.

I decided I would give this marriage all I had..I was determined to make the best of it. I was always the one who would give in and try to make things better...as bad as it got I never gave up. I wanted to make it work..all I asked was to be treated with respect which I never got. My children seen me cry way more times then they ever should have...I stayed in the marriage thinking I was helping them but I did them no favors. My daughter is 21 and my son is 17. My daughter lives with your boyfriend and they have have a beautiful little girl who brings me so much joy and happiness. Being a grandma is so wonderful..I love it. My daughter moved out as soon as she graduated high school because she couldn't stand to be around her father anymore. She doesn't even bother with him at all, she is happy having nothing to do with him. Some times she brings up the fact that I stayed and as a result put them through the abuse too. I know she holds that against me and it hurts. By staying I was wrong but I can't change the past. I can only make the future better.

I tried talking to my H about leaving but he refuses to listen or he becomes enraged. I do fear what he will do at times...he has never physically harmed me aside from that one time many years but in his fits of rage he has smashed things that he knows mean a great deal to be, thrown things at me, spit on me, and threatened to kill me if I leave. He calls me a fat, ugly, stupid b*tch and tells me that I am lucky to have him because no other man would ever want me. Every time I talk to him he rolls his eyes or tells me I am stupid. He has distroyed my self-esteem and has taken a part of me that I am struggling so hard to get back.

I just want out of here so badly...I dread every day of my life waking up in a place where I no longer want to be...I feel life is passing me by and I am spending it being sad and lonely. We have had no form of physical contact in almost 3 years now...we sleep in separate rooms and hardly even speak. For years I would lay there and let him have sex with me while I cried because I thought maybe just maybe he would be nice to me if I did what he wanted. He would watch porn and then expect me to act the way the women did on there because in his mind thats what women are suppose to do. Finally I decided enough was enough and I moved into my own room. It wasn't easy, the verbal abuse became worse and he would grab me and hold me against him and try to force himself on me but I wouldn't give in. I always lock my bedroom door at night because I don't feel safe when I am home alone with him.

Lately I have been looking for an apartment but not having much luck..the vacancy rate here is like 3% and the rents are really high due to a big industrial boom in the city...I do work full-time..I could survive if I could just find an affordable place. My son still lives home and just started college. He has been encouraging me to get out..he is a fine young man. Both my children have turned into fine young adult in spite of all that they have gone through.

Enough rambling...just kinda wanted to tell you all a bit about me and my situation...thanks for reading