Hearts of Healing Community Group

For parents of children who have experienced sibling on sibling sexual abuse.

0 Online

copingmom 07/30/2021

Hello All,

I am sad that I have had to search out a group such as this but now I don't feel so alone. At the end of 2018 my world was shattered to pieces. My daughter disclosed that when she was 11, her brother (17 at the time) exposed himself to her and had her touch him. He immediately knew it was wrong and stopped but the damage was already done. We were not told about this incident from either one of them but my daughter went into a mental health crisis. She attempted suicide taking an overdose of benedryl and had to be stablilized and then was sent to a psychiatric hospital. She had another round in a inpatient facility again theatning suicide. We just didn't know at the time the cause of this 180 change. This went on for 3 years. Finally she was able to tell a counselor what had happened. The counselor then had to report this to DCFS. Our son was questioned and investigated, he was not living in our home at the time. We had to take our daughters to a child advocacy center where they were videotaped and interviewed. When we initially met with our son and told him what our daughter disclosed he immediately broke down in tears. Before this happened he experienced a very traumatic experience with an older girl that we had no idea the extent of what she exposed him to and what she was pressuring him to do sexually. That girl ended up dying in a car accident. I don't know if this is what contributed to what happened with his sister but we think it did. There were no other incidents but this one time incident. There were no charges brought against him and my daughter chose to handle this within the family and through counseling. My son moved about 3 hours away for a fresh start, has a job, and is going to school. He is making positive choices and seems to be doing well. We couldn't even bring his name up around my daughter for over a year. We had to see our son seperately which wasn't too often. He distanced himself from us for the longest time. I can't get my daughter to even consider family counseling sessions or work toward any kind of reconciliation or healing. I understand it has to be on her timetable and this can't be rushed. So I haven't brought up his name or anything. I did however notice she was commenting on his facebook posts and then she mentioned she would like to reconnect. I was estatic and got my hopes up that my family could be together again. We planned to go see my son this weekend, all of us, for his birthday. My daughter even took off a few days of work so she could go and seemed to be looking forward to it. Well a few days ago my daughter has done a 180 and full of anger and we are back to where we started. She said she would feel awkward and as the days got closer to us leaving, she doesn't feel comfortable going. I am crushed though as she said she never wants to see him again or have anything to do with him and that reconciliation or forgiveness will never be possible. She doesn't care that he is deeply remorseful, has gotten help, etc. She told me to deal with it and was very harsh and angry. I have no one besides my husband and counselor to discuss this with and just feel hopeless. I haven't told any of my friends or family about this. I just feel so much shame and I don't want their judgement. I am just looking for other moms to connect with that understand and are in this same position. I am trying to be respectful and sensitive to my daughter but yet also give support and love to my son. I know in my heart that he is not the monster and predator my daughter is making him out to be. He will pay for this the rest of his life and is living with the consequences. I don't even want to get my hopes up anymore that we will all be a family again or that I will ever have all of my kids in the same room. I know many of you feel the same way.

llama 07/31/2021

Hi copingmom.

I am glad you found us but sad you had to. You will find much information here to help and some really great advice.

There is lots you said that I relate to. My son sexually assaulted my daughter in 2019. A one time incident as well after a wedding and alcohol involved. He was 15 1/2 and my daughter 18. After the assault my daughter has struggled with severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks. She started private counseling (as did my son) but not until a year after, as she moved a couple weeks after the incident to a different city for school. It has been a hard and challenging road for sure. She had started off saying the same as your daughter- wanted nothing to do with my son ever again. But my kids were very close before this happened and as time passed she started to miss her brother. My kids did a couple joint Councelling right before my son was incarcerated. It helped a little bit but honestly she goes back and forth between wanting something to do with him and not. It is hard for her to see him and it is very awkward. It has been the hardest thing for me to know that all he wants is to make things right with his sister. He is so remorseful and feels absolutely devastated what he has done to her. I’m not going to lie., it has been a long road of trying anything to get our family on track. I just miss those days… her therapist said that it is ok for her to change her mind if she wants anything to do with him. I know it is her choice but I also feel bad for my son as crazy as that sounds) as one time she is talking to him and it seems good and then the next she won’t even look at him. I have learned through a course I took that I need to back off and let her make the decisions in her time. I do know it is the right thing to do but it is so hard. Just try to be there for your son and your daughter as much as possible being supportive and loving and understanding. That is all we can do until she makes the decisions that are right for her. Maybe in time she will come to realize that he is very regretful and miss him enough to give him a little olive branch. It is so devastating when you think things are on track, but then everything derails. Hang in there snd know you’re doing a great job being there for both of them. It’s a really crappy, lonely place to be but it’s what we’ve been dealt. Let her make the decisions when she is ready or she may resent you for pushing and thinking you are more concerned about your son. Those are only my experiences though. Take care and know even though this board is slow there’s always a few of us that check every couple days or so.

copingmom 07/31/2021

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and advice. It is definitely is a long road. That is my struggle. I don't want my daughter to think that I am more concerned about my son. I certainly want to support him and encourage him when he is making positive choices in his life. I am struggling with so much guilt going to visit him on his birthday now as I don't want my daughter to hold this against me or my husband. She says she doesn't care, and I truly hope that is the case. I would never have planned this trip for the whole family in the first place if she had not voiced wanting to see him . My husband and I would have just gone ourselves. This is just a difficult position for a parent to be in. Thank you for sharing your story and the difficulties and struggles that you have encountered. I also have another son who has no idea what has happened. He was never questioned and I struggle with if we should tell him or not. I definitely would want this done with a therapist. I just don't know if he should be told and shatter his world. This would devastate him. My daughter says and almost threatens that she will tell him one day and I have begged her to do this with a professional in a therapeutic environment.

llama 07/31/2021

In my experiences I would recommend to sit your daughter down and explain exactly that. That you never would have set up the visit for his birthday. We went through lots of the same. My daughter always said it was fine but after her going to a psychologist appointment the Dr. recommended she sit us down as a family (her dad, older sister and myself) and explain to us her actual feelings. My son had moved out around DNA results so wasn’t around. We all did a lot of crying that night as i knew it bothered her a lot and was really trying to put her first but with my son being a minor and not living with us, struggling with mental health and self worth after this, I looking back did not always put my daughter first. It is an impossible situation to be in wanting the best for both of your kids but trying to do it behind backs as to not offend anyone. It’s absolutely exhausting. All I can really offer you is again in my experiences to sit her down (I am very close with my daughter) and spill your heart that you do not want her to think she is not your priority but that it is difficult for you to not want to help your son. After I explained to my daughter she said she knew that and she understands it is just sad for her and frustrating. I still feel like I am picking sides as right now we are on holidays at our lake lot but my daughter won’t come because my son and his girlfriend are. So again I’m left to choose it feels like. I’m hoping it gets better soon as my son has now just starting his counseling with the psychologist the judge put in order with his probation. I am hoping the kids start going to counseling together again as I believe that’s the only thing that will help. There is so much distrust and anger there. Hopefully your daughter will eventually get to that point but it will be at her own time if she chooses to do so. I feel for you as I am going through the same but have established some boundaries already thanks to having a good open relationship with my daughter. Honestly I have found is the best policy as my daughter seems to appreciate that rather than doing things in hiding.

brknhrt 07/31/2021

I'm sadly there with you guys too. I found out in 2018 as well, it is 3 years in August. It was like my old life ended then and a new one began--and not a good one. My kids are now 21 (the son who did it), 19 (the daughter he did it to), and 15 (not involved, we didn't tell him until over a year after it all came out to the parents). My daughter did counseling and she and they said it helped a lot but she has never wanted us to know much about it or about how she is really doing. She is functioning well in life and looks good from the outside, but she always has, so I feel helpless to know how she's really doing on the inside or to help at all. My son teetered on the edge of being charged as an adult but aftera year of cooperating in counseling and taking apology and reconcilation steps with his sister, the DA finally declined to charge. However, once that happened he turned, not against his sister, but against us as parents. It's a long story but we haven't seen him in over a year and contact has been very minimal. Like you guys, I mourn the loss of the close family I thought we had. I have second guessed so much of what I have done, trying to walk a tightrope between them. I'm angry at the way the authorities who got involved in our lives mishandled things and just made a bad situation worse. My mood is gradutally getting better and I'm feeling closer to normal and more like myself on more days. Sadly I've adjusted my expectations downward that I'm used to not seeing my son and not doing things as a family any more, even the four of us who do live together. It just blew everything apart. It's like a wound that is usually healed over but when something hits it, boy does it hurt.

There are a lot of posts and resources on here--scroll down and check them out. I'm glad you found this page, sorry it has taken so long to find it. The isolation of this kind of thing just makes a terrible situation even worse. It does help to know you're not alone.

I usually check in every other day or so but I will be traveling this week so won't be posting.

NowIsNotForever 08/08/2021

Dear Copingmom,

Yes, we are in the very same boat, but with three sons and three daughters. It's very hard. None are living in our home any longer. They all live out of state except for one. We have a good relationship with our sons, but with our daughters, it is rocky. Yes, you are right, your son is not the monster that his sister is making him out to be even though the incident was very traumatic for her. I hope that she will consider counseling soon. And later with you, her parents.
Just knowing that she wanted to see her brother again is a big step forward. But she needs to deal with her anger. This one incident should not define who they are and the relationship that they once had. But that will probably take time.

Our daughter said the book that has helped her the most is: The Courage to Heal (Bass and Davis) Yet, she still has not dealt with a lot of issues, but she is finally talking to us. It's always on her terms however. There's a lot of ups and downs and ignored texts/emails, never a phone call and a lot of silence. We are doing our best to avoid an estranged relationship, but to me it's really what it is.

Do others need to know? Our daughters insisted that everyone in the family needed to know the terrible deeds of their brothers and met with my husband's brother and wife and told it all. All other family members were told as well. Did it help make things better. No.....everything is still very much the same, but their brothers' shame is now public knowledge. So now how do we deal with funerals and weddings. My mother passed in 2018 and we honored our daughters by requesting that their brothers not come and they agreed. That hurt. Did it help, no. Everything is still the same. I won't deny our sons that again. They are all adults now and they will just have to make those decisions on their own in the future.
The whole issue is: why is this happening and how can it be stopped before more families are broken! (Book: Sibling Sexual Abuse by Watts) I believe our society is too exposed to sex. It's so easily accessible. There is no protection for anyone and especially children. They know how to get around all locks if they want to. You just have to have strong moral character to resist what's available and when you're exposed as a child and addiction sets in, an adolescent is easily taken in and wants to act out (Remember the brain does not fully develop until the mid 20s)
Enough is Enough (Rice) is a group that is trying to get pornography out of the hands of children. I'm an advocate for that group. Also I read this week that Apple will now begin monitoring images (photos) on iPhones and anything illegal will be reported to the authorities. This is just the tip of the iceberg for imprisonment for boys, teens, and men (and now women).
The pornography industry needs to be stopped! Our attorney told us that, "The war on drugs is over" and we lost that war! Now it's the war on sex crimes. I don't want anyone to ever experience a sex crime, but I don't think we can begin to deal with it until we deal with the source. In my opinion it's pornography and those who have been molested as children and grow up to molest.
The authorities seem to be working backwards.....incarceration first rather than eliminating the industry that produces it!
Continue to see your son, continue to support your daughter, but gently remind her (with caution) that his actions were wrong, but that this is not who he is and that he is remorseful.
As llama said above, plan activities with both separately. We basically have two families right now. It's not fun, but I'm trying to make the best of it.
Our family was so close growing up. But our girls have divorced their brothers. I'm hopeful that it will gradually get better over time.
Keep up your courage.

Join the Conversation