Hearts of Healing Community Group
For parents of children who have experienced sibling on sibling sexual abuse.
I am so thankful to have found this group as it's been 5 days since my 11 year old daughter disclosed her abuse with me and my heart is destroyed. From what I can gather thus far, there were 2-3 instances of abuse when my son was 8-9 and my daughter was 7-8. She told me on my son's 13th birthday. There was no penetration, no oral or mouths anywhere, but touching each other that was more than one time and definitely more than my daughter wanted to do.
A year ago, I also found out my son was touched by an adult male in a Dave and Buster's bathroom when he was 8. I didn't know why at the time, but he became severely disregulated and suicidal right after this such that he had to be hospitalized in a Children's psychiatric unit and spent the following year in a Therapeutic boarding school out of state with daily therapy. That whole experience was heart wrenching for the whole family - my daughter cried for weeks and slept in my son's bed for a month. Now looking back knowing what I know, I don't even know what to think about that.
My son has been home since Dec 2019 and is doing so well! My husband and I thought we could finally be "normal" again! Now this. Please don't get me wrong - I am SO very thankful my daughter was brave enough to tell me. It's just that, like many of you, my children were best friends. They live in a house full of love. We have had the most amazing family vacations and fun times together! And now, I feel like everything is gone and will never be the same. I am grieving and I can't even tell my family and friends about it as I still want to protect my son.
Only you all can truly understand the horrendous pain I feel. I want us all to get the help we need and am getting a lot of therapy referrals in that regard, but I'm also scared to death about what could potentially happen to my son. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't even remember what he did. But, I want to and have to prioritize my daughter's healing. How do you all handle the worst thing ever - when you have to choose between the most precious things in your universe?
Luckily, I guess, my son and daughter actually rarely see each other now. They're in different schools, are in different activities and actually sleep on separate floors. She feels safe and even told me she doesn't worry as she feels he's different now since he's been home and never leaves his room.
Ok, I've written an essay now and thank the maybe 1 or 2 of you who have actually read this whole thing! It was helpful just to type it. I welcome any and all guidance, support, critiques, resources, ANYTHING as I'm so lost right now. Thank you.
There is a facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/siblingtrauma that is more active than this one. I will warn that it can be almost too active sometimes--triggering, people facing all different kinds of situations and different attitudes. Also they have posted on that group that a website for parents of sibling sexual trauma is literally days away from launch. I'll come back and post it here when I get the url.
Please know you are not alone, I could have written over half of what you wrote at some point!
Welcome to the board. I’m glad you found us but sorry you had to.
I agree with you that after writing your story it is therapeutic. It always made me feel better to share.
My son abused my daughter as well. It was a one time occurrence, but with devastating consequences….
My heart breaks for you as I know exactly where you are coming from. Trying to support both of your kids is mentally and physically exhausting. I always tried to support my daughter without her knowing to much about what was happening with our son. There was an order from the courts for no contact at all until court (my son who was 15 1/2 at time of offence, went to court finally at 17). He moved out as I could not ask my daughter to (even though she was 18 and legal age) as she needed our support. He did as well and we did see him as much as possible (when he would engage).
He withdrew from our family. He was ashamed and did not want to see any of us- although we were always supportive and never negative towards him.
I’m not going to lie… it’s been be far the worst 2 1/2 years of my life. My son did get sentenced to the young offenders as well as is on probation. It has been horrible.
My husband and I never did get counseling (although both kids did) as I was to ashamed to talk to anyone. No one in our family knows as it is “our little secret “.
I will say I never thought we would get through the tough times. Christmas with seeing my son for only 2 hours while my daughter drove around until he was gone to birthdays without him. It was devastating and still makes me sad today.
The kids did a joint counseling session about a year after for the first time. Although it went well with lots of tears and apologies, My daughter said at the beginning she never wanted to see him again. And she didn’t for a while. It broke my heart but I knew I needed to respect her wishes and not push.
Today things are much better for our family. The kids see each other and talk on almost a daily bases. They probably will never be but I am thankful for what they have. We had our first Christmas together since this happened and I feel very blessed for any baby steps.
My daughter is still struggling with anxiety and depression. We are trying to get her meds in order so she can get back to work after being off for almost 2 months. It is an uphill battle. My son is also depressed and refuses to get help with prescription medication. Hopefully one day he will realize he doesn’t have to struggle so much.
I would be careful getting authorities involved. A lot say he needs help and that is the way to get it. I say if they are already getting help that is the first step Once the authorities are involved you can’t take it back. My daughter reported it to the police and I was fine to let her as how would it look if I said no? Then I’d be supporting him and she would feel like we justified the action.
It’s a hard place to be but always come back here. Post often as honestly it will be great therapy! Take care, keep your head up and know you’re doing the best you can with a really shitty situation. It will get better I promise.
I'm not a big fan of getting authorites involved either. But if your daughter talks about it to a therapist it might be inevitable, and in that case the younger your son is when it comes out, the better it might be for him.