Hearts of Healing Community Group
For parents of children who have experienced sibling on sibling sexual abuse.
My daughter disclosed to me that she had been "molested" by her brother for 4 years on and off , starting at age 8-12, roughly. She is now 19 going to be 20 this year. Her brother reached out to her this Fall to "apologize" for what happened and my daughter, now at college, had a massive panic attack. She called her boyfriend and disclosed to him and then he encouraged her to tell me. That all took place in early November. She did not come home for Thanksgiving and we did, with a lot of help from my therapist, figure out a plan around how to confront our son who at the time was still living at home. We did talk with him and even had it typed out for him in case he just would not talk with us. He did though and we told him we knew about what happened and that although we love him he also needed to move out. Since then he has been living with my sister and her husband, they never had kids. And I had to discuss this with someone other than my spouse so I elected to share with her.
My daughter said she was going to "go to her grave" with this information. She was never going to talk about it with anyone, but when our son reached out to her and she panicked, everything changed. I was in shock for a good long time. She told me in the car while I was visiting her at her college. I had to go back to the air bnb that night by myself. It was probably the worst night of my life.
My daughter did come home for Christmas and my son celebrated it with my sister and her husband. My daughter had her boyfriend come and spend Christmas with us, so that was good. But now she's back in college in a different State. I want to find a therapist for her so that when she is ready to talk more about this she has someone she has already connected with. I am so worried about her getting flooded with memories and flashbacks none of which she has disclosed to me, but I worry anyway. Our son is still looking for a place to live on his own. He has gotten a full-time job and is taking his adult responsibilities more seriously. He has never had a partner, but does have a lot of friends.
I am mostly aligned with our daughter. I am extremely angry with our son, but do not show that to him. And I want to find community and people I can talk with about this. I am so nervous to share this with any of my friends as they all know my son and daughter and I am deathly afraid of people judging me and my family. It's so awful. I read the stats on how often it happens, but no one in my community has ever talked about this. I feel very alone and so am glad to have found this website. If you're still reading this- I am amazed by that and thanks so much.
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Looking back I thought our family would never get through. My son sexually assaulted my daughter in 2019. It was after both drank way to much (no excuse on his part by any means) and my daughter passed out. She woke with someone having sex with her. We searched the house and our property as I never believed it was from inside our house and she never said anything. I loaded her up to take her to the hospital and it was on the ride in she said she thought it was her brother. It was a hard decision to walk in after that as once in there we knew the police would be involved and there was no going back. After calling my husband who was at home we both without hesitation knew it was the right thing to do.
My son denied for almost a year and when the DNA results came back he was charged. We went to court and he agreed to juvenile it was the hardest time for me and looking back it actually hurts to write this.
We’ve had a long road of recovery. It wasn’t easy. We went through her not wanting to see or talk to him at all to them doing counseling together.
I did the exact same thing you are also thinking of doing. Setting her up with a counsellor there (my daughter had also moved one week after the incident for school) and it was horrible for her. The counsellor I researched for her did not believe her and she left before the hour was up. I have put in a formal complaint but that is another story. My daughter did not get any actual help until she moved back. Once she did though it was the best thing for her. She had severe depression and anxiety and over sessions was able to eliminate some as well as help from prescriptions.
Everyone on here always said to get myself help, but honestly I couldn’t. There was no way I was talking to anyone about it. . I was horribly ashamed and felt it best to put my energy into helping the kids. My son also did counseling. I’m happy to say that today they’re talking and even though they are not the best friends they used to be it does get better and easier. My heart goes out to you as I know the pain you and your family are going through. I know this board isn’t busy at all but before I posted I read all the posts. It sounds horrible but it made me feel better to know I wasn’t alone. Keep your head up and get everyone counseling. Your son needs it too. Keep us posted on how things are and know that you’re doing a great job!
I don't feel ready to type up my own story yet, but it is similar to yours. I really hope that by joining this group I can find some help with my own family's situation. It's been a long, lonely and difficult journey to even find this group.
It is a hard and lonely process finding these types of supports online. But I’m glad you found this one. There is not tons of activity or posts, etc on this site but it feels safe here to me so that is good. And you share only when and what you want to share, absolutely.
My therapist reminds me that healing from this kind of pain takes patience and time.
My son has found a room in an apartment to live in and he’s got a full time job now so in my mind his next steps are to start therapy. I have given him names of therapists to call and so we will see what happens in the next month or so. He says he’ll contact them to begin, but hasn’t done so yet. I’m assuming that his shame is what is holding him back. But I also think he needs to get to a place where he can ask for forgiveness from his sister and from me and my husband. Whether his sister grants that forgiveness-who knows?
I hope you’re able to find at least some people to talk to. My therapist has been so invaluable in this process for me.
Take care, deep breaths, keep doing what is good for you!