Hi Llama, thank you! I stayed off the computer for the Christmas weekend. It was our fourth holiday since disclosure. Every one so different. There were good moments alternating with waves of grief for me. I think holidays highlight and bring to the surface all the differences in our lives before and after and everything we have lost. I've been bothered by the ways I've changed--necessary to be strong and survive after all this. Not really who I want to be, but who I have to be...because this isn't the life I wanted, but it's the life I have.

So, how was yours?

It sounds about the same…. We actually had Christmas all together this year. I was so happy. However big explosion Christmas Eve and it was almost all ruined.

It is so hard to try to move forward but we are all trying. My son has moved back home and has been back for almost 2 weeks. It’s very hard for me to try to pick up parenting with him since I haven’t for the last year and a half since he’s been moved out. I’m definitely tip toeing around him and not being to overbearing. He is still a little out of control (drinking, pot smoking) but I’m hoping with lots of love we can show him how much he means to us and start nurturing him.

My daughter has been off work for almost 3 weeks now do to anxiety attacks at work. She works in a huge store in the biggest mall here. She was doing well but I think with the holidays just got to be too much. She seems to be doing better and is going back to work tomorrow. I feel you when you say how things have changed. Our family is trying to be like before but it never will and there are definitely times of excusing myself to be alone and mourn what is no longer there. Like you said, this is our lives and we have to try to make the best of it I guess. Some days I’d love to just drive out of the driveway and not come back for a long time. It’s exhausting. Take care and know I’m always thinking of you and your family. Wishing you a Happy New Year.

That sounds very hard with both of them. I know what it's like to walk on eggshells with your son. All you can do is keeping trying to show him you love him, even if he doesn't respond now maybe someday he will see it. Are you getting any support or guidance in dealing with him?

No not really. Just kinda wingin it. Hopefully things will settle down. We actually flew to Arizona so are on a holiday here for a few weeks. I continue checking in and everything seems good so far.

It is ridiculous that probation allowed him to dictate that he does not need to continue seeing his psychologist. It was in his court order. He didn’t want to and then dr said he’s not concerned with him reoffending.

That may be true but he has anger and depression issues so am Very disappointed they did not continue on with treatment.

Hope all is well with you.