I understand what you are saying. I still have my mom but it hurt so bad to see her feel bad. Right now she is in the hospital (I stayed with her). She is on the floor that said intensive care unit (ICU floor). My heart is heavy because of the many things that was told to her by negative family members and other negative people in her life like the medical people (her primary care doctor and her nurse). A few days ago, she felt that everyone is against her. Yesterday morning I awoke to her feeling very depressed to the point that she would not talk to me. I asked her questions like what is wrong? and what upset you? I never received a response to those questions. Like you my mother is my best friend. Monday she was given a muscle relaxer/pain medicine for her lower back. Then she bought a cream from her acupuncture for her back. She took it (it instructed to only use a little of it but my mother used most of it). Now her face is swollen on one side to the point where she can't open her eye. Yesterday morning she called the paramedics, they came and checked her heart and blood pressure. While they were there they asked her did she want to go in she said no because she was fine. So they did not take her but they said that if she needed them again please call. About 5:00 am she called a cab to take her to the hospital emergency (I rode with her in the cab). The doctor came into the room, spoke with mother, gave her medicine, checked her blood to be sure that there is nothing else wrong then sent her back home. After being home for a few hours, she called the doctor back at the emergency and told him how she was feeling. He told her to come back to the hospital, she did. When we got there, he came into the room and saw that her face had swelled more to the point that her eye can not open. They decided to keep her in here and give her medicines to help make the swelling go down. She is now sleep but it pains me to see her face like that. Whenever she get upset, she get stress hives. I really don't know what is causing this problem, as I said before mother was fine after the paramedics left our home. In fact she went back to sleep and I stayed in the room with her (never returned back to my bed).

Like you said I feel alone. I want my mother back to normal and I want to see the swelling down and see her face back to normal. I always ask "Why my family?". Also I don't have any children either, I just have a few pets. I think about fun positive things not something that is making me want to cry......I feel your pain except my mother is still here, my father is still here but he had a bad car accident after Christmas. I talked with him last night and right now I feel teary eyed. He said to me that since the wreck he haven't felt the same, slowly he is returning back to normal but he just don't sound the same or anything like that. To me he talk like he isn't going to be here much longer himself. We were talking about something and he said that he probably won't be here to see it but I would. I have a picture of me and my parents (the three of us) standing by a car, back in 2006. When I see that picture, tears come into my eyes. During those days my parents used to get on the phone and talk and laugh, sometimes I would be on the phone with them laughing too. I want my those days back!!!!!!!!!!

As I write this, I'm trying my best to hold back tears. I wonder sometimes "Did I do something for this? will I ever see smiles again?

I think the anxiety is one of the worst parts of the experience. The not having answers or knowing what comes next is worse than the depression.

With anxiety a person has terrible thoughts and they think the worse of everything. Even if things isn't so bad, they still think have bad thoughts.

I know how it feels. I have to work really hard at not spiraling, and sometimes that can be exhausting.

So sorry for your loss and pain. I lost my grandmom who was like my mom and totally went into a zombie like state for 6 months. Take your time to grieve. It's a hard, challenging process. Sending hugs your way!!