The other day I was freaking out because I misplaced my keys...and I ran around the house screaming and punching myself in the head.
And I realized I wasn't ever going to be able to care for a child, or live with another partner. I'm too disturbed to be able to be good at either.

I was already upset because my girlfriend got upset.
You see, i mentioned the guy in England I'm also in love with. Even though the chance of me doing more than going to visit once a year is very slight.
I told her I was polyamorous from the start, so it's not like this is a surprise. I don't lie. I hate lying.

I am in love with both of them... the problem is?
She takes my pre-existing love for him as a comment on her value to me, it isn't.

I was thinking of the GF as partner material-yes, an open relationship, but still living together and dedicated to each other...
Now I think of her as someone to not invest too much feeling.
Someone to be affectionate to, but I know it's going to be over eventually.

I'll never be able to really be honest with her. She knows I'm poly, but prefers I do nothing to disrupt her denial, and when I do she feels demeaned, devalued...It's not about her.

Honestly? I'm really relieved too.

I worked so hard to trust my wife. I loved her so much. She lied to me and was incapable of emotional closeness.

I am capable of it, but find it terrifying, too, so it's a lot easier to not try.

I feel sad and self-contemptuous that I can't handle the closeness I crave and doubt I'll ever be able to.
But that's it, that's decided and done,. let it be as it is.