Ok REAL TALK. This topic may have nothing to do with narcs or what not but I had to vent because I am a bit upset today. This is deeply personal and unusual for me to talk about but I had a very wild drunken night with a friend last weekend and we ended up having a threesome with a gorgeous man. To my surprise after we saw each other, he started texting me and pursing me, and a day later he was at my apartment with a bottle of wine. We talked all night and he opened up to me, and then proceeded to text me and tell me how he can’t wait to see me again, take me to dinner, can’t stop thinking about me, etc.

Last night I got hookah with my friend Dara, the one we had a threesome with. He texts me last night asking what I was doing and I invited him to come. He tells me he missed me and wanted to text me every single day and couldn’t wait to go out with me again. He comes there, kisses me, and then turns around and starts making out with her!

They go to the bar and I go to the bathroom and she comes back and she’s like yeah he wants to have a threesome again tonight.
So I was like Im going to go home this is just too much for me. He follows me outside and starts arguing with me telling me how he doesn’t know what to do but if he had a choice between having a threesome and being with me he would want to pursue being with me. Starts saying how it would crush him if I never talked to him again etc etc. Is trying to get me to open up and all of this shit. Then calls me at 3AM and we’re talking til 5 in the morning and he’s telling me he doesn’t know what he wants and can’t decide blah blah blah. I was just like this is ridiculous dude. You gave me every sign after we had our threesome that you wanted to date and pursue me. I shouldn’t have to be an “option.” I have enough respect for myself to know what I want. You choose one or the other. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. It was just ridiculous to me. 

I understand that we never talked about being exclusive, but I had the complete impression that he wanted to start dating me. From discussing going to a concert and dinner together, to him telling me he missed me, etc. I don’t know if I should feel completely stupid or disappointed or what. I know two friends who have had threesomes in which they connected with one of their partners and are now together. It’s an unusual situation and I’m just, feeling very vulnerable and strange about the direction it headed in.

I wrote this to him today, and he of course never responded:

Hey I appreciate you talking to me on the phone last night and expressing your concern after we all met. I just want you to know that I woke up this morning and things were really clear to me. I realized this isn’t going to work out for me. You don’t get to ask me to get deep with you, treat me like you’re going to date me, tell me you missed me and can’t wait to hang out again and tell me how you want to talk every day, but then makeout with my friend and push her on sleeping together right in front of me. We never spoke of exclusivity, but you gave a very distinct impression that you wanted to date and see one another again. You made me feel embarrassed last night, especially for believing that dating was even a viable option. The fact that I sat on the phone with you til 5am while you acted like you couldn’t decide between one or the other, as if losing a threesome was like losing a precious piece of gold, was just shocking to me. I get that trusting someone enough to want to pursue them and open up to them is scary, vulnerable and new- I of all people can completely empathize, because I haven’t dated someone in a long time and I don’t connect with people in a meaningful way often- but I don’t want to be in a position where someone has to choose between me and something so superficial and insignificant. I eventually want to find myself in a place where things start off the right way. Where dating is fun and effortless and special and where that deep connection can grow in an exciting way. I can’t find complacency and confidence in a situation where I’ll always have to wonder if I’m option #1 or option #2. And for what it’s worth, I have two different friends who have had threesomes that have branched off into loving, really special connections. I think you’re a really caring person with a big heart and a lot to offer, but I think this threesome may be a part of your wall- and it’s not my place or my power to change that. Monday was really wonderful for me and I am grateful for that moment in time. I’m not angry, but I don’t think this is for me. Maybe one day we can all be friends.