FROM VICTIM TO SURVIVOR Community Group
A GROUP THAT IS DEDICATED TO HELP RAPE VICTIMS, GAIN HOPE AND KNOWLEDGE TO BECOME A SURVIVOR. TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE.
Okay, so Ive been keeping this a secret for a couple years now. Exactly two years, three months and counting. Its been really hard for me to talk to people about it, especially my friends and family. Only about four people know about this, and now you too. Im glad this group exists (and yet I am also glad there are hardly any people on this forum too). I also did not press any charges, so I pretty much feel legally safe here. If someone reads this, thats good. If it connects with someone, thats better. If it helps someone, that great.
Okay, lets begin with a little background check. I am in my early twenties, I live on a small island in the united states, and I went away for college for three years, and then returned home. After saying to myself, these dreams of getting a job wont suffice my soul, I began my path on a spiritual journey, initiating in the practice of Reiki. In one summer, I got my first and second degree Reiki, and began practicing on my friends, family, and people I met at school (She isnt exactly a religious person, but she does pray for little thing here and there. Not exactly your prestigious human being, but something of light, nonetheless. Her heart was open to anyone who wanted, and anyone who would accept her practice). It was so interesting to learn more about the spiritual bodies, and understanding how energy flows, and Reiki was the one to open her up to those experiences. It still is a definite gift in her life.
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SO this unusual thing happened. My soul got raped. It wasnt just my body that this person took advantage of, but the entirety of my life had dissipated. Im trying to be as fair as possible, and there is no other way in my English mind to explain this experience. That I had lost all recollection of my previous experiences. It was as though I had lost all remembrances of everything I had done in my entire life, all of my friends, happy moments, and accomplishments and replaced them with grief, solitude, and mental sickness. A real-world dementor (for you Harry Potter fans). What I had come to understand, was that I had lost my life-energy, my ki, chi, or my soul. I had lost all things that reminded me of who I was, or didnt know how to gain it back. All of my social understandings were lost, my ability to recognize my self-worth was gone, and worst of all, I lost all capabilities of how to read and write. Even till this day, if you find my writing to be a bit off, or weird, it is because of my disconnect to our current social understandings, and current forms of communication. You think that losing my sense of reading is writing is weird? Think of me, a college student, who had previously gotten 3.5+ GPA, plus an Honor Student, looking at a text, not knowing how to read it?! How bizzar is that! I felt helpless, and alone. And I still do. I can no longer fake it. Fake that there isnt anything wrong. Fake that I am busily making something of my life, or purposely avoiding people. Its not that. I do want to be involved with life, and making other peoples lives better, but first I must do my own. This is the first time thoroughly showing my whole story, and yet there is still much more to include.
why dont you just practice the things that will gain your respect back? Thats another issue, because I used to be light and fluffy all the time. Now I can only think of things that are meaningful and deep. Nothing light and happy comes to mind when I talk to people. If it does, it feels like nails on chalkboard, and it takes a ton of effort to produce, and actively think about. Stretching myself way out of my comfort zone. I literally lost a lot of friends that used to be close to me because of this. Its so hard to talk to them, because they, just like me, want to have fun with our short times together. At first, I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell all of them. What had happened, how it happened, the whole story. But how to I approach that topic? I began asking them Are you okay? They would say yes, and then go on to say with a laugh you keep asking us if were okay! Then the moment dissipated, and it went back to being all fun again. Being scared in front of people you love is the worst thing. Scared of bringing up the tough subjects or even showing them there is something wrong. My initial instinct is to avoid all deep and sensitive subjects because not everyone is sensitive to emotional stress. Plus, what should they say? Its already been two years, and I am gradually getting over the fact that I was used and abused for my body. Not like that is new or anything. The only thing is that it weighs on my like a boulder in a stream that I have to follow. Sometimes the tides rise, and I can flow over it, or sometimes the tide is low, and it is the only thing that stands in my view. Yet, no matter what the tides prove, it is always there. Even the slightest thought about it could trigger my emotions, and let hold and behold, a fountain of tear will gush. Day, night, work, school, sleeping, waking up, anywhere at anytime. Spontaneously for no reason, except deep down; I know the reason.
Most times people dont see it, or other times, they think I am antisocial. Its not fair. I dont want to feel like this all the time. I really want to make my situations work for me, and make my community a better place to live in, but I cant when my emotions are all discombobulated inside me. I feel like Ive built a replica of the Great Wall of China to protect you from seeing the sad, unfortunate girl inside. The only problem is that that same sad, unfortunate girl also has the power to bring happiness, and joy in to other peoples lives. Only thing is getting over the wall. And trust me, people have died trying (meaning, the connection between us has died). The only thing left that people see is my cognition. Which is a very unhappy balance of my persona. I am not willing to open my heart up to people. Especially ones I dont know.
Ive tried yoga, which helps a little, but only in the privacy of my home. This is because when I get deep into a pose, i also start crying, and I dont want others to see my cry. Especially in a public class. Amongst yoga Ive tried praying, counseling, acupuncture, drawing, gardening, surfing and whatever else (my dog has been played an instrumental role in my healing because we got her around the same time of the incident, and she has been by my side ever since). All of these has helped with my healing process little by little, but weight of this is still burdening my everyday life, and career opportunities.
Now that I am about to graduate, I feel stuck. As if this is the end, and I have no where to go after my graduation. I feel as thought my graduation wont excel me into the higher vibrations of a future. If no one answers me, then I can understand, but if there are other people out there feeling this way, or can slightly understand this phenomena, then I will humbly appreciate your words.
Okay, lets begin with a little background check. I am in my early twenties, I live on a small island in the united states, and I went away for college for three years, and then returned home. After saying to myself, these dreams of getting a job wont suffice my soul, I began my path on a spiritual journey, initiating in the practice of Reiki. In one summer, I got my first and second degree Reiki, and began practicing on my friends, family, and people I met at school (She isnt exactly a religious person, but she does pray for little thing here and there. Not exactly your prestigious human being, but something of light, nonetheless. Her heart was open to anyone who wanted, and anyone who would accept her practice). It was so interesting to learn more about the spiritual bodies, and understanding how energy flows, and Reiki was the one to open her up to those experiences. It still is a definite gift in her life.
-----
SO this unusual thing happened. My soul got raped. It wasnt just my body that this person took advantage of, but the entirety of my life had dissipated. Im trying to be as fair as possible, and there is no other way in my English mind to explain this experience. That I had lost all recollection of my previous experiences. It was as though I had lost all remembrances of everything I had done in my entire life, all of my friends, happy moments, and accomplishments and replaced them with grief, solitude, and mental sickness. A real-world dementor (for you Harry Potter fans). What I had come to understand, was that I had lost my life-energy, my ki, chi, or my soul. I had lost all things that reminded me of who I was, or didnt know how to gain it back. All of my social understandings were lost, my ability to recognize my self-worth was gone, and worst of all, I lost all capabilities of how to read and write. Even till this day, if you find my writing to be a bit off, or weird, it is because of my disconnect to our current social understandings, and current forms of communication. You think that losing my sense of reading is writing is weird? Think of me, a college student, who had previously gotten 3.5+ GPA, plus an Honor Student, looking at a text, not knowing how to read it?! How bizzar is that! I felt helpless, and alone. And I still do. I can no longer fake it. Fake that there isnt anything wrong. Fake that I am busily making something of my life, or purposely avoiding people. Its not that. I do want to be involved with life, and making other peoples lives better, but first I must do my own. This is the first time thoroughly showing my whole story, and yet there is still much more to include.
why dont you just practice the things that will gain your respect back? Thats another issue, because I used to be light and fluffy all the time. Now I can only think of things that are meaningful and deep. Nothing light and happy comes to mind when I talk to people. If it does, it feels like nails on chalkboard, and it takes a ton of effort to produce, and actively think about. Stretching myself way out of my comfort zone. I literally lost a lot of friends that used to be close to me because of this. Its so hard to talk to them, because they, just like me, want to have fun with our short times together. At first, I wanted to tell them. I wanted to tell all of them. What had happened, how it happened, the whole story. But how to I approach that topic? I began asking them Are you okay? They would say yes, and then go on to say with a laugh you keep asking us if were okay! Then the moment dissipated, and it went back to being all fun again. Being scared in front of people you love is the worst thing. Scared of bringing up the tough subjects or even showing them there is something wrong. My initial instinct is to avoid all deep and sensitive subjects because not everyone is sensitive to emotional stress. Plus, what should they say? Its already been two years, and I am gradually getting over the fact that I was used and abused for my body. Not like that is new or anything. The only thing is that it weighs on my like a boulder in a stream that I have to follow. Sometimes the tides rise, and I can flow over it, or sometimes the tide is low, and it is the only thing that stands in my view. Yet, no matter what the tides prove, it is always there. Even the slightest thought about it could trigger my emotions, and let hold and behold, a fountain of tear will gush. Day, night, work, school, sleeping, waking up, anywhere at anytime. Spontaneously for no reason, except deep down; I know the reason.
Most times people dont see it, or other times, they think I am antisocial. Its not fair. I dont want to feel like this all the time. I really want to make my situations work for me, and make my community a better place to live in, but I cant when my emotions are all discombobulated inside me. I feel like Ive built a replica of the Great Wall of China to protect you from seeing the sad, unfortunate girl inside. The only problem is that that same sad, unfortunate girl also has the power to bring happiness, and joy in to other peoples lives. Only thing is getting over the wall. And trust me, people have died trying (meaning, the connection between us has died). The only thing left that people see is my cognition. Which is a very unhappy balance of my persona. I am not willing to open my heart up to people. Especially ones I dont know.
Ive tried yoga, which helps a little, but only in the privacy of my home. This is because when I get deep into a pose, i also start crying, and I dont want others to see my cry. Especially in a public class. Amongst yoga Ive tried praying, counseling, acupuncture, drawing, gardening, surfing and whatever else (my dog has been played an instrumental role in my healing because we got her around the same time of the incident, and she has been by my side ever since). All of these has helped with my healing process little by little, but weight of this is still burdening my everyday life, and career opportunities.
Now that I am about to graduate, I feel stuck. As if this is the end, and I have no where to go after my graduation. I feel as thought my graduation wont excel me into the higher vibrations of a future. If no one answers me, then I can understand, but if there are other people out there feeling this way, or can slightly understand this phenomena, then I will humbly appreciate your words.
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