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I will be rehashing some, putting it nicely, uncomfortable memories. Returning to a place that drove me into the hospital three times. Once, I almost killed myself. It won't be easy returning there. But it I hope to make the best of it. I left my grandmother and father in Arizona almost two years ago. May 19th, to be exact. I've become a totally new person in the past two year. I hope to make my father proud of who I've become. But I know, logically, I will never live up to his standards. He wants me to be thin and perfect. I think living there is what brought me to the brink of death. But my time there also saved me in so many ways. No, I haven't lost the weight. What I have become will hopefully shine through better, and brighter than anything physical.
I will be going for nine days. Back to the alcoholics. They do a lot for me, and I am thankful, I just wish they could be more kind and understanding. My grandmother is. My father isn't. I just hope I am mentally prepared for what might happen. And I hope the depression that has me down today, doesn't last into next week, when I leave for Thanksgiving week. I need to be my best and brightest to show them the better me.
On a random note... I find it strange that when I go to write in my journal I cannot convey my feelings as well as I can on here. I wonder why that is? Maybe because I know someone will read it. Maybe someone will care.
I will be going for nine days. Back to the alcoholics. They do a lot for me, and I am thankful, I just wish they could be more kind and understanding. My grandmother is. My father isn't. I just hope I am mentally prepared for what might happen. And I hope the depression that has me down today, doesn't last into next week, when I leave for Thanksgiving week. I need to be my best and brightest to show them the better me.
On a random note... I find it strange that when I go to write in my journal I cannot convey my feelings as well as I can on here. I wonder why that is? Maybe because I know someone will read it. Maybe someone will care.
I'm going through a sort of crisis atm. My mother is kind enough to take me to my doc appts that I can't get to by bus, but I am not kind enough to her because we don't have the best past and I am not a fan of the life choices she makes.
It was a last minute trip. My dad and I were talking about Thanksgiving and he offered for me to come out there. He offered because I was stressed out at having Thanksgiving in my small apt with my family here. I love them very much but, maybe it's me, every time there is a get together, some drama or another happens. I just couldn't say no. I left on such bad terms and I really need to see my grandmother. That and I need a break from reality for a bit. So many doctors appts, working on getting into college, my own bi-polar issues... Yeah. Yes. I am scared out of my mind.. My mental state isn't the strongest it could be and I'm just starting to work on that with a new therapist. Plus, the onset of depression. Even if I wanted to back out now, I couldn't. My father already bought the tickets and I couldn't just have him waste the money.
I am praying to make the best of this. What made me feel tons better is the long talk my father and I had last night. We were on the phone for an hour. Every so often we do that and it's the best thing in the world to me. He was helping me some issues I was having and giving me tips. (He's a social worker of 25 years)
I just know this is going to be fun. The fear is gone and only pure joy and excitement is left. Other than this week being so busy and having to fly! I haaaattteee flying!