The loss of a child is unimaginable to most people. It certainly was to me while i was raising my two children.

Now I find myself moving slowly through the greif process and I feel the varying emotions at levels or stages of my grief. I've lost my parents, grandparents and some aunts and uncles. But parental loss is absolutley difficult to face on a daily basis.

The stages I have enoured have included feelings of guilt, injustice, isolation and deep sadness. It feels so unatural to outlive my child. I feel that I have searched for some meaning to the loss of my child. As if there was some kind of purpose to the death of my dear child. I've filtered through purposes like I'm being punished for something. Others like there must have been a greate purpose for him. Others like it must have just been their time. It can't have been that unfair to bless me with a beautiful child only to take them away from me when they are barely an adult. How cruel is this that we have to endure such a tramatic event.

How am I supposed to do more than to just exist, to exist in my loss.

I love you my beautiful boy! This is the month of his passing and I'm just trting to keep going. One step at a time, one tear at a time. Help me to not suffer so.