This is a doozy!  I'm 9 weeks pregnant.  Found out at 6 weeks that my long-term FWB (9 years) and I accidentally got pregnant.  I had a lot of menstruation problems that after lots of tests the drs said I had a 1% chance of having a child due to my incredibly low AMH.  Apparently we beat the odds.  I am a 37 year old professional woman who is financially stable, has a good investment portfolio, homeowner, and knew I could be an amazing mother, so I decided to keep the baby, with or without the father's involvement.  When I told the father, he completely freaked out, tried to convince to me to have an abortion with reminders about how important my career is to me, to saying that him being recognized as the father would be difficult for me to travel with the child later on in life because I travel a lot and was making plans to move out of state.  We agreed that we'd be respectful to each other, be kind, and put the baby first as we talked about next steps.  We were going to come up with an amicable plan that would let him walk away because he "can't psychologically handle being a father".  We both valued education, I wanted him to contribute to a college fund for the baby.  He wanted me to sign a contract and back-date it so that it showed he was a sperm donor and in return he'd pay me a lump sum.  I told him I was not going to start this out lying to my child, I didn't care that he wasn't in the picture but after this long of a time-frame together it wasn't sperm donation, something I felt he wanted to truly believe. 

In our 9 year history we had tried going out, it just didn't work but the physical part continued on and off.  I would date other people, he told me he dated other people, but when we were single and free, we'd get together.  There would be months where it was really intense and then we'd not see each other for a few months.  Everytime I got into a relationship I would not see him, and after my hardest break-up, the next month I slept with him and it felt terrible.  Realizing I wasn't in any shape or doing anything healthy after my relationship ended, I went on a year long mental health journal where I just focused on me and cut sex out of my life.  When that was over, we went back into our same pattern.  The last 3 years of the situationship (cause it really wasn't a relationship) I noticed he became needier, something that scared me.  In the past year, when I tried to walk away from him, he started with "I love you" and "I'll always love you."  The first time he said these words, it made me sick.  It really tore at me.  I guess in some way I loved him, like an old friend.  He was successful, had his own business, was super smart, we'd spend countless hours talking about business and investments (my two greatest passions and supposedly his too) and of course the sex was fantastic.  During the 9 years, I was climbing the corporate ladder, I finished my MBA, I moved into an executive position, really focused on building a successful life, especially after finding out about the infertility.  I had always wanted to be a mother, which I had told him numerous times, but if it wasn't in the cards for me then I was going to focus on having a kick-ass life! I was doing a lot of traveling for work, for fun, and he was someone exciting that I didn't really need to think about if I didn't want to.  He told me he was doing the same with his business and didn't want to be tied down either and that worked well for both of us, because I trusted him.  He hadn't given me any reason to believe differently. 

Anyway, since I wasn't agreeing to his ideas about sperm donation, he started talking about taking his own life.  How he couldn't live with the guilt of fathering a child he was walking away from.  My lawyer had already had her own suspicions as to why he wanted to wrap everything up so nicely and pay me a lump sum without verifying paternity or at least waiting til we hit the 12th week of pregnancy.  (He is 100% the father without a doubt.)  So finally, my blinders came off and I started doing some digging.  As he's told me numerous times: I am resourceful.  I am smart.  I pulled background checks, I found his entire family history back 4 generations! I found every single address he lived at, who his parents were and where they lived, and finally, I found a property he purchased...with a woman a year ago.  Scary how much information you can get out there on the web.  

It was easy enough to find her on social media.  Her FB was private but her IG was not and over 75% of her profile were photos of them, a couple of 6 years.  Traveling, sailing on their little sailboat where he and I had had sex, after he proudly bragged to me about how he owned this fun toy and that I should get one too.  In one of their date night photos he was even wearing a shirt that I bought him to wear to my friend's wedding.  As an outsider looking in, they seemed like any other fun, loving couple.  I didn't recognize this person.  I'm not an affectionate person; I've been told I can be cold, slightly detached, a little serious at times.  That was also how I saw him or the side he showed me, except when we were in bed, then it was intense, passionate, exhilarating.   

My parents marriage had been torn apart by years of cheating and lies and as a young child watching all of this, I was so turned off by cheaters and marriage. Honesty became my #1 virtue.   It made me SICK that I, without my knowledge or consent, had contributed to ruining another woman's life.  Right away, I called him up and asked if he wanted to tell me about his GF. He didn't even try to deny, just right out said "No."  I told him he had 5 minutes to call her or I would.  He told me he was 4 hours away and that she would still be asleep.  I responded "I don't care, you tell her or I tell her.  Either way, I am going to apologize for the part you forced me to play in this."  I was firm and angry enough that I was able to get her phone # out of him.  And I didn't wait the 5 minutes I was going to give him.  I called right away, it went to VM.  I left her a message explaining who I was how I knew her bf and that I was pregnant.  I called my best friend and just completely fell apart.  In the middle of that conversation, the GF returned my call.  

My pregnancy hasn't been easy.  Extreme morning sickness started at week 7 and I right away lost weight, I couldn't sleep, I was just always sick and still am, along with constant crying and crazy bouts of hormonal surges that I had a hard time processing. For someone who always prided herself on self control..this was completely new to me.  I don't even remember how much I cried in that hour I spoke with her.  I wanted to spare her feelings and gave her an abbreviated high level overview to get her up-to-date, she seemed like a super nice woman; had a steady, strong voice.  I felt that in a different universe, maybe we could have been friends.  From her, I learned the person that he created of himself to me, never existed.  He was a business owner, but it wasn't at the level that he claimed.   Many of the things he told me he did or liked, I realized was really me.  He took elements of me and concocted a male version of me.  So very twisted.  I value strong, female relationships and champion other women; everything happening was not who I am.  I would never knowingly hurt another person the way this poor woman was being hurt.  After I got off the phone with her, I called him back.  I raged and cried for two hours.    I was surprised he didn't hang up on me. And the entire time, in a cold, completely dead tone he acknowledged his behavior, said he was sorry for his actions and lies, but I didn't believe him.  I still don't believe him.   I truly believe he is only sorry for getting caught.  He talks about how he disgusts himself, even asked me if I would like it if he killed himself.  I responded, "I would never wish anyone self harm, even a low POS scum like you."  Even with the truth out there, he still lies, still can't acknowledge the truth.  The latest thing is that this was all a sex addiction.  I honestly do not even care at this point what it is.  He is definitely a very, very sick person. 

Today is the 4th day since that morning.  A lot has happened since then.  Calls between me and him with my raging anger because it ebbs and flows, calls with the GF to understand each of our history with him, countless hours with my best friends who live out of state to ensure I don't just fall apart at the seems.  I also learned this went down on her birthday.  Yeah, the guilt is just piling on.  She reassures me I have nothing to feel guilty about.  But in hindsight, I keep thinking, I should have known better.  I should have questioned things.  Am I really that self centered that I just didn't care to know this person?  I know without a doubt that had I known she existed I would have walked away and cut him out of my life years ago.  Even up until last week, when we were still "negotiating" he was telling me he loved me.  And I agreed, we loved eachother, but just not in that way.  Not in a way that constituted a relationship that was sustaining.   So, here I am thinking about all the lies, the mess, the lives ruined, and I am wondering how I can move forward?  Because at the end of the day, regardless of who his father is, my child is innocent, is loved, and so absolutely wanted.  I just need the strength to get to the healing stage where I can love myself again to be the best mother to my miracle baby.    

Pls no judgement.  None of us is perfect.  I'm just looking for support and love as a mother-to-be that I can heal from this experience.