I am fresh out of a breakdown. It is 1:22am and I just spent the last four hours trying to put my 8 week-old daughter to sleep. My patience was fresh four hours ago- her tough wiggles out of my arms and soft cries in my ears were nothing. Just the usual for a sleepy baby. Last night I gave her a pacifier and she went straight to sleep. But would wake up every time it would fall out of her mouth... meaning every fifteen to thirty minutes. We spent the night playing the pacifier game, from 12am to 5am. Tonight I refuse to play the pacifier game, so no pacifier tonight. She's not super attached to it, but it does make her less fussy when sleepy time comes around. She's fallen asleep with it many times and eventually she spits it out in the middle of the night. But last night was different, so tonight I avoided the pacifier like the plague. Four hours ago, the struggle began. Her crying got louder. Her wriggling got stronger. She was slowly getting out of control. I tried breastfeeding in an attempt to soothe her- no desire to latch. I tried feeding her some formula- lots of spitting. I patted her back until I felt that I was starting to hurt her from the constant patting. I put the TV on and tried to have her look at the colors and she just wailed. The entire time there were no tears. Just wailing. Which then turned into screaming. Non-stop screaming for hours. I looked at the pacifier, my lifeline, but I refused to give in. Once 12:30am hit, I started crying too. I hate crying while holding her because I know she can sense my emotions. The last thing I want is for her to feed off my sadness, or weakness, or just plain hopelessness. I don't know why these feelings consume me in the middle of some nights. I would say this is my fifth or sixth breakdown since she was born. I don't think it's enough for it to be considered post-partum depression. I don't ever want to hurt her or myself. I definitely don't feel like she would be better off without me, or vice versa. But tonight, at one point, I just wanted to set her down and walk away. Just set her in her crib, close the door, and walk away. Pretend that the crying was not happening, and go about my evening. And these moments of weakness bring me to breakdowns, where I feel this pressure to be a good parent by avoiding bad habits.

"Don't give her a pacifier"

"Don't rock your child to sleep otherwise you'll be rocking forever"

"Don't pick her up every time she cries"

What I don't want is to hear my child cry for hours because I can't soothe her. I want to avoid those bad habits, but at what cost? These breakdowns give me a deep sense of hopelessness. I feel trapped in my own judgments. I can hear my husband thinking "You're a bad mother, you can't even calm her down." I can feel my own disappointment.

God, it all sounds so silly when you write it down. But I swear, at that moment, all these crazy feelings (that I never experience during the day) come crashing in. I'm so overwhelmed. My own little crying session did help me, but it makes me wonder if this is normal. Anyone else feel/felt this way?