Last night I wrote my lawyer telling him to drop my suite. To drop my motion for custody. I may be stupid. But I need to de-escalate the situation.
She is not speaking with words (normal) but she is speaking physiclly. Accepting touch and kisses (stopped there for now, as I dont want other physical needs / emotions getting in the way). She is having some issues restraining herself... I keep saying I love you when I talk to her. One of the times I said it, she said it back... A slip? IDK, but it is something. Others she just keeps quiet. I think she is in a state of WTF... He wanted a divorce and now he doesn't.
My wife said weeks ago that motions speak louder than words, and she was watching what I do. I decided to put my true wedding ring back on too yesterday after church. I know she saw it. But neither of us have said anything about it. I didnt do it as much for her as I did for myself. I needed to feel connected to my marriage. To be reminded of my vow. To have a reason to keep trying. It just happens to be a reminder to her of this too.
We talked last night about my desire to be connected to the church. We actually had a civil conversation that ended well! She is not into organized religon, but has not rejected my reaching out to the church. I explained that I am missing something and this seems to be the piece of the puzzle that I need, that keeps me happy and healthy.
Worst case with all of this is she decides to continue with the dissolution of our marriage. But I will know in my heart that I tried everything possible to keep us togehter. I will be able to look my kids in their eyes when they are old enough to ask what happened and tell them the truth. I will be able to live with my choices knowing I was the best that I could be. And I will have a better support system in place as things progress.
I am still doing the love dare. Today I asked her for 3 things she has issues with me. I got no response from her (but from memory I have them). She called me tonight to talk about what I said over the weekend. She said that she is not there. That she wants the divorce.
I was going to wait for her lawyer to tell her but I broke down and said that I dropped my suit. That I am at her mercy. That I love her and the family so much that I gave up the only thing that I had to protect me.
I am open, and with out armor. I am an easy target. Sure I have retained my legal counsel in case she proceeds with the divorce, but now it is all on her. I dropped my counter motion. I dropped it all.
She called me and we talked for 45 min. While she told me 3 times during the call that she was done, she never hung up. She stayed on the line with me. If that doesnt say something I dont know what would. I have been there where I am done. I have told the other person and when they hung on, I would hang up on them. She did not. She stuck in there. So along with the hugging and kissing, and now this, I would say there is still hope. I am probably stupid with the hope, but I hope. In the end I gave it to Jesus. Let his will be done...