I am in the same situation, but it's been going on for a lot longer. We've been together for over 20 years, married 17. Roommate situation for the past 9-10 years. It is horrible. I've stayed because we have kids and the positives outweigh the negatives but it is really hard sometimes.

Do you have kids?

This may help relate some too: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/loneliness/discussion/anyone-else-5 I just posted it yesterday.

The song "Do I" represents our situation perfectly, if you haven't heard it, may want to check it out. It's by Luke Bryan.

Hello. No, we do not have kids and don't want any. People call us selfish but it is what it is. I like traveling, photography etc and could never commit. It definitely makes things easier because I can concentrate on fixing our problems without being worried about someone else getting hurt... I am sorry that you are stuck in this situation. It really is hard. I am young and being desired and wanted just does not exist in my life. I don't want to go out and start having affairs because that is not who I am. But no matter what I try, it does not work...

Unfortunately my husband isn't willing to talk about trying to make things better. He tells me he doesn't feel appreciated but won't tell me what I can do to make things better. When I try to show appreciation it doesn't seem to make a difference and half the time he thinks I am being scarcastic.

I know he's been unhappy but again, no feedback on what we could do to make things better.

I've tried everything I know to do, but nothing changes.

Ultimately I have stayed because he's the one I want and he's the one I love. It is hard because I don't know what he really feels. I worry that once the kids are gone, he will be gone too.

There isn't much of us now, there really won't be anything left then.

Going outside of the marriage isn't an option for me either, it won't fix the problem. It would only make it worse.

Is he willing to talk about it? Will he go to counseling?

He isn't really willing to talk. I even wrote him a letter once just so I could get everything out. He says everything is OK and he is happy and such but the opposite is the truth. He says he doesn't know what he would do without me. He drinks, even secretly because he knows it makes me mad. Since when did alcohol fix any issues? He plays with his phone nonstop and when I tell him to put it away while we're eating dinner, he gives me attitude. When I put on a movie at night, he sits in a different room and plays on his phone and slip in a drink or two. Then he knows I am upset the next day and is nice and then we go around the same circle again. He is only nice and attentive when he knows I am upset and may want to leave. But in a long term - nothing ever changes. I personally don't believe in therapy. If we can't talk openly and fix our issues, I don't think a paid mediator could fix them for us...

Has this always been an issue or did it change over time? Was it a specific instance that triggered the changes?

Do you know what he's doing on the phone all the time? Any concern that he may be interacting with someone else?

I get asked a lot if I think my spouse is cheating, I honesty don't think so, can't imagine when he'd have time plus the three women in his life are more than he can handle! Myself and our 2 daughters. I wonder if there may be a medical issue affecting the intimacy piece but he won't talk about that either.

My husband shares your feelings about therapy so we haven't gone but sometimes having an objective third party shine some insight into areas we may be blinded by, can be helpful.

I've actually gone alone some throughout the years, just to help me deal with everything. He's the one I want to talk to but he won't talk. And no one else really gets it so talking to someone who's worked with other people in similar situations has been helpful, at least for me. May be something to consider....

There was a time when I too would write things out, it helped me and I was hopeful it would help us, but it didn't change anything. I've yet to find anything that changes it.

Ultimately I know I can't change him, I only have control over myself and how I react to the situation.

I realized part of my other post, didn't post, Regarding kids, don't let anyone make you feel bad about deciding not to have them. Honestly, if I had it to do over again, I probably wouldn't have any either. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but it's not turned out the way I had hoped it would be. In some ways, I feel like I lost my husband when we had kids. That's been hard to deal with.

I talk to my girls often and tell them they may decide to not get married and to not have any kids and that it is perfectly ok. That was never talked about when I was growing up. If you were not married and had kids, you were made to believe something was wrong with you! I don't want my girls to ever think that.

If they find someone to enhance their life journey, great. But if not, that's ok too.

Just know you are definitely not alone in this. If you end up deciding it is no longer a fit for you, at least you won't have to worry about any impact to children.

Have you gone through a list of pros and cons? To staying in or ending the relationship? That always helps me too.

Yes, I have done that before we even got married. I considered moving back to Europe where I am from. I had all my pros and cons written out and it really was a tough choice. Him and I talked, eventually we got married, things got better but of course slowly everything started going downhill again. Once he got done being excited over getting married, we were back to where we were before. He stopped paying attention to me, we used to hold hands and such and that does not exist anymore. I rarely get hugs and if I ask for cuddles, oh boy, that's a major ordeal and I am just too needy. He shows me zero affection in public, you could very well just think we are siblings. He just doesn't make me feel like a woman anymore. Every guy that looks at me nice or says something else to me, gives me butterflies. Just because it is so special to me. I should be able to easily ignore such things but instead they make my day. It's quite a dangerous situation. I highly doubt my husband talks to other girls online (other than co-workers on Facebook and such). I mean, he can't even handle me, how could he handle other girls. Sometimes I wonder if he is gay. It would explain a lot of things. I even questioned him on this and even told him I would still stay with him if he only spoke the truth. He never denied anything but didn't agree on it, either. It's a constant back and forth battle, things get worse and then better and we just spin around in circles...

Hi. I've been married for 20 years. My wife still wants emotional intimacy -- she wants to watch TV together, play a board game, go out and see a play, go for walks, etc. -- but she has no interest in physical intimacy. This morning, I rubbed her back in bed. Tonight, I'll moisturize her feet. She likes those things, but it never goes any further, and if I try to instigate sex (let my hands go to anywhere intimate when I'm touching her), she stops it all. I feel wanted, but not physically.

I say this just to say you're okay. It's not you. It's him. And I'm so sorry for your pain.

Hi Andy! I am sorry you have to deal with this. My husband won't go for a walk, I can barely get him to do anything. He drinks a lot, also which puts me down. I wish he paid me some sort of attention but I barely get anything.
Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot!