Fatherless Children Community Group
A father is an important role in any child's life. If you loose your father at a young age, as I did, it could have severe effects on you. This is for anyone who knew their father, but he died somehow. Or anyone's who's dad isn't around anymore, but still alive. Maybe you knew him but he left due to a divorce, or maybe you never knew him, either way, this place might help...
What happened that caused your father to pass away, or leave you? Tell me how it effected you in a discussion post or in a comment on this one.
I am 39. As of the day I am posting this (8/15/2017), it has been twenty years and three months since I last saw my father in person (May, 1997). It has been over seventeen years since I last heard his voice on the phone (2000), and over three years since I last got a letter from him (to put that in perspective, he wrote me once in 2007, and once again in 2014 when I reached out). I was a child of divorce. My mom had custody, but I visited my father regularly between the ages of 5 and 17. It usually manifested as three plane trips a year (always solo) from Phoenix to Burbank to visit. Every Christmas break, summer break, and spring break was spent with my Father. For the most part, I remember it as good times. We did Disneyland every spring. Lots of baseball games in Anaheim. Life was good.
I think it got messy when I became a teenager. I had a lot of personal issues going on that I won't delve into. Still, I was always loyal to my father. Then, in 1995, he re-married. I was there for the wedding. I saw him again in 1996 when his father (my grandfather) passed. I was 18 at this point so I was making my own choices. Still, 18 is where it got really messed up. I remember my birthday card from him saying something to the effect of "Now that you're 18, I'm no longer financially obligated to you."
He got a job in Oklahoma in 1997 and visited me with his wife and newborn baby (my sister). That was the last time I'd see him, and the ONLY time I've ever met my sister (whom I doubt even knows I exist). My brother from that marriage was born 2-3 years later and I've never met them. Out of pure respect for their feelings (because bringing a world shattering down, even one built on a lie of omission) hurts the innocent in the collateral damage.
He sent me money to fly out in 99. I paid for a ticket on my debit card, but over-drafted my account before the airline charged it, and the flight had to be canceled. My young financially stupid self never managed to make it right to go see him or at least send the money back. Naturally, I wonder if this led to our falling out.
I started to get bitter and angry. I discovered blogging. I could be wrong, but around 06 or 07, I tore into him online. I didn't use any names, but somehow my aunt (his sister) came across it, asked me about it. By the time I deleted it, I suddenly heard from him two days later. This was two days before my twenty-ninth birthday. He was hyper-apologetic. I was overcome with emotion, gave him forgiveness, and wanted to move on. He said he'd write or call. Never did. I wonder if my blog, written in ignorance and anger, broke our relationship.
In 2014, I was engaged to the woman who is now my life, and the absolute treasure of my heart. The wedding planning got me thinking about family. I wrote him that summer. He did in fact respond. This time, not so much apologetic but still emotional. He seemed genuinely interested in speaking me, but did lay down some edicts for communication. Honestly, I didn't have problems with that, as I just wanted to start talking again, nothing more. He never wrote back. I sent him a photo of my wife and I on our wedding day 2 months later.
When we were pregnant with his first grandchild, my wife got sneaky and found his phone number. She called him while I was at work. While I listened to the recording of it, he sounded like someone who had been caught or trapped, despite the fact that she was just calling to tell him he was a grandpa. He asked for her number. That was a year and a half ago. He likely has no idea that his first granddaughter and his second both miscarried.
So, how does this affect me? I want to hate him but that's where the turmoil comes in. I will always love my father. As long as we both draw breath in this life, it will likely be an unresolved source of angst. I don't know how one gets away in the information age of hiding a sibling from your children, especially one who literally bears your first and last name, and has a very unique and uncommon last name at that. So, even if I do meet my father and siblings again some day, what will that be like?
I want to simply bury him in my heart, grieve, and move on, but the truth is, I miss my dad, I love my dad, I'd like to be a big brother to my two half-siblings and get to know a bigger, happier family. I'd like him to meet my amazing wife and get to know his daughter-in-law.
I'm angry that I had to bumble through my teens to my mid-thirties without a dad. I was a pain in the ass as a teen but I really could have used a father's wisdom on so many things as an adult. I've had surrogates in my life through the fathers of friends, my maternal grandfather, and later in life, my father in law, but no one ever replaces your dad. No one should ever have to.
I want to accept that it's "his loss, not mine" but it feels like a game he gets to play, and that he's winning. Each day, something reminds me of him and it hurts like hell.
That's how it's affected me.