Family Scapegoats Community Group

This is a Group for discussing Scapegoating. The Scapegoat is often the family member who tells or acts out the truth ("the Truth Teller") regarding the family's dysfunction that no one else is prepared to acknowledge or talk about. It is this truth telling that makes them the target for carrying the blame for all the family's problems. If you are the Scapegoat...

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epicjourney 02/14/2015

Easier said than done because the truth is, we don't want to let it go. But we have to. We don't think we have to, but we do. Nothing you could ever do will change those years of torment, insults, put-downs, abuse, and disgust for you. You want a knight in shining armor to swoop down and give you justice. But you already have the justice right in the palm of your hand, or should I say in your head.

Accept and forgive. We need to truly understand the nature and essence of those two words.

Kit posted an excerpt by Bryan McGill on HOPE that was the most salient piece I have ever read on the subject of acceptance - what it is, truly, and why there is no choice but to embrace it. I hope Kit will post it here as well.

For me, at least, forgiveness is nothing short of biblical. Even as Jesus was being tortured an nailed to the cross he was asking His Father to forgive his persecutors. Can't we forgive our parents and siblings for acting out their personal insecurities at our expense? We have to feel that it is o.k. It is all right. Yes, they knew better, on some level, but that just means they were even more sick. Forgive them, not just for them, but for your own sake.

hugs,
--EJ

kamary 02/15/2015

I struggled with the concept of acceptance and letting go, too, Epic. It somehow felt as though doing those things and forgiving them as well (!!!???) would let them off the hook. It took me quite a while and lot so painful days, to realise that I would be the one let off the hook at last.

I still take back my resentments sometimes. I get myself all upset and unhappy again every now and then, especially if I see my ex or someone else is mean. I'm so sick and tired of being unhappy and only thinking about awful things and bad experiences, though. These days I let it go a lot more quickly and get back to enjoying myself much sooner than I used to do.

It's no good spending our days hanging on to the bad things. We really do have to be like Jesus and understand that they are human, just like us, and they have their bad days too. They, in fact, are not doing as well as we are, because they don't seem to be able to stop being awful. They need our understanding.

love and hugs
kamary

nana58 02/15/2015

I agree with firgiving to a point and by that I mean yes it is ourselves who is hurt the most by not forgiving. I firmly believe though that eventhough we should firgive it we do not have to put ourselves in thepisition to have the hurtful things continue to happen. It is like if we keep sticking our hand in a fire ince we have been burned-- we will surely be burned again. This may be the same thing you have in mind as well. Holding onto the anger and hurt feelings will not bother the scapegoaters because thye don't think they have done anything wrong nor do they care. Just my opinion for myself. :)

epicjourney 02/16/2015

Kamary, thank you for being so human and so right. Nana58, I agree with you. the scapegoaters need to make us hurt, and when we deny that to them, they are the ones who are hurt.

--EJ

artemis000 02/17/2015

Good post, Epic!

Regarding forgiveness, I do agree with you... However, I don't believe that forgiveness means that we have to embrace the people who have wronged us and allow them to continue causing mayhem in our lives.

I thought I'd let go of the dynamics in my FOO long ago, but recently I saw my long lost nephew's beautiful wedding photographs and realized that the pain is still very raw. Clearly every situation is unique and different. It's so hard...

Hugs

Kit

kamary 02/17/2015

(((Kit))) IMO, forgiveness lets us stop ruminating and allows us to get on with our lives. If those who hurt us continue to hurt us, we have no choice. The best thing we can do is stay away from them altogether or see them sometimes and leave when they become abusive. It is hard for we who simply want peace, harmony and joy in knowing our family and friends.

love and hugs
kamary

ButterCupPrincess 02/18/2015

I actually find that in my 'struggle' to 'let go' I end up 'clinging' even more to that which I don't want. I had to give myself permission to accept myself and the situation as it is... Even though I muddle through and it's not always pretty... And I do muddle, but it's all ok.

epicjourney 03/08/2015

Buttercup, it's true, we all muddle. But that is because it is as much emotional as it is cerebral. Sure, we can "forget" them, but we don't want to, on some level. We need to "accept," that forgetting them is the only option left open to us. Not by our choosing, but theirs.

--EJ

NannieBe 05/01/2015

My ES and EGK are in my heart. I have been brutally betrayed for the second time. Before I was cast away by them once again in December, I had special ordered gift for my Grandaughter. I considered giving all the gifts to charity, but it was suggested by my close friend to keep them. In the future the gifts will speak volumes to the GK that never knew why I disappeared from their life.
One night after Christmas was long past, I decided to open the shipping box to see that special ordered doll for my granddaughter. It is the Elsa doll from the Disney "Frozen" movie. I had not seen the movie, but knew my granddaughter loved this character. I opened the box and this Elsa doll was exquisite. The hang tag instructed me to push on doll to hear song. The title song was "Let it go". Needless to say, tears ran down my face.
I received that message at just the right time. I am practicing acceptance each day. Let it Go

kamary 05/03/2015

Dear Nannie, I'm sorry your ES is being so difficult.

I guess that Elsa doll was really meant for you, dear friend. It's amazing how the messages and signs present themselves, isn't it?

Yes, it's time to let go and let God. My heart goes out to you.

love and hugs
kamary

NannieBe 05/04/2015

Awe Kamary, you made me cry. The doll is meant for me, I just didn't recognize it. December 2014 was one of the lowest points in my life. I never want to relive those moments, yet I was concerned the 2 grandkids would wonder why I disappeared. I was so concerned about how thy would react. I asked my son what he would tell them. His heartless reply was he "would tell them I had better things to do". I was stunned he would hurt them like that. Will they think Granny abandoned them? Hurtful on so many levels, yet i cannot change what my son chose to do.
I have realized I can live without them, it's not my choice. ES can profit me form seeing them, but can't stop my love for them. That love is mine. Always in my heart .
Hugs
Nannie

kamary 05/04/2015

Dear Nannie, I hope your son wasn't so cruel as to let his kids think you had better things to do. I would hope and pray that he cares about his kids and how they feel as much as you do.

I realised that I had to live without my eldest at one stage, too, and I gave her to God and started getting on with my life. We have to take care of ourselves and remember the people who are still in our lives who love us.

I think it's important to continue to love our estranged kids and grands from afar. I would send blue light and angels to my kids when they were estranged. I got so used to it, I still do it. I think they 'feel' our love somehow.

love and hugs
kamary

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