Family Scapegoats Community Group

This is a Group for discussing Scapegoating. The Scapegoat is often the family member who tells or acts out the truth ("the Truth Teller") regarding the family's dysfunction that no one else is prepared to acknowledge or talk about. It is this truth telling that makes them the target for carrying the blame for all the family's problems. If you are the Scapegoat...

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rachy2012 05/27/2017

I have been a scapegoat for the family for a long time now. Me and my children and husband have been pushed out at family events, made to sit on a separate table, my mother has favoured my niece to the point that she has driven past my house and not picked my son up to take him to nice places, I have had constantly my past thrown back at me, been slagged off whilst my own son witnessed it on holiday whilst I wasnt there to defend myself. I have been segregated, ignored, shouted out for nothing and isolated and blamed. . my achievements have never been acknowledged despite me working the whole of my life and studying. Etc it goes on and on... My own mother has broke my heart in two, preferring my sister in law to share a room with her the night before she got married, asking me to pay for another room. Its disgusting! I have been sworn at and laughed at constantly, in tears and I am the most loving, giving person you could wish for. But when I graduated BA Hons English Language and Literature degree this year, I finally broke free. And I suddenly realised, I am the only mentally sane one, despite them saying I need professional help, ha are you joking, I managed a full time degree, a house and two young children, one of them a baby. So I say bye bye you nasty pieces of work. People, You have to break free, protect yourself it took a while for me, years in fact but I feel so much better now. Love to everyone going through this. It's truly awful and unnecessary. It's systematic bullying, but time to say no more and walk away. Things will not ever change. Believe me Iam 35, I have been treated like this since the age of seven. Not anymore. Xxx

freetobeme1111 05/28/2017

Rachy2012, I am sorry for what you have gone through. There is no way to understand why these people do this. Congratulations on your accomplishment!!!! Good for you for going through the work to achieve your degree!

The sad truth is that we only have two choices. Either decide to endure the nonsense, or walk away. Myself, I tried to endure thinking eventually my scapegoaters would grow up, but they are in their 50's and 60's now, so I have had to accept that things will never change. For me, I finally made the choice to walk away from it all. It's sad, but better for my well-being than to voluntarily subject myself to on-going abuse. The choice will be different for each person.

Hang in there. You seem to be on the right track with your life, in spite of what your family says.

rachy2012 05/29/2017

Thank you for your kind words, they mean the world to me, honestly they do as I don't really have anyone to turn to in order to discuss my issues with my odd dysfunctional family except my husband but I don't want to go over and over it again. He gets annoyed, annoyed that they are bothering me, but also annoyed because he is fed up of hearing about it all. We have an issue now with regards to the children. I don't want to stop my mother from seeing the children. My husband has agreed to arrange things with her and that is fine. However, she has text my husband to say that she has wrote me a letter and sent it in the hope we will sort things out! I don't want to be lured back in, but I don't want to take it out on the children. I am at a loss of what to do! The decision to move on us very recent!

freetobeme1111 06/03/2017

There was a time in my life when my children stopped speaking to me (now our relationships are good). I was not able to see 3 of my grandchildren for about 3 years, and these were the 3 most difficult years of my life. Congratulations for being the bigger person and doing what you can to ensure your children see your mother!

I don't know the details of your situation with your mother, but I do hope you are able to sort things out with her. I had a strained relationship with my mother, but I'm thankful I didn't shut her out of my life. She died suddenly 6 years ago and I would have a great deal of guilt if I had done so (shut her out). We never close, but at least I did what I could.

Just my opinion.... these words may not suit your own circumstances.

oceanspaHb 08/12/2017

Awesome sharing and thank you, I can so relate to being excluded from family events, recently a funeral. I am left with this grief, Its the moment when I realized omg they don't give a damn. Blew me away. It is reassuring to know that other people have experienced the same or similar. Claiming my authentic self back has taken time, it will pass in its good time with icecream and choc brownies:)

freetobeme1111 08/13/2017

Hello oceanspa. Sorry that you are going through this. Time does heal. myself I took back control by stopping attending any family events beginning in January. They no longer get to pick and choose which events I am "allowed" to attend and which I am excluded from. The time away from them has given me a fresh perspective and I feel I will feel comfortable attending again after one full year away. I am certain they will be all a-tizzy when I go back but now I just find it all laughable rather than hurtful. For me this has been the best choice in dealing with the nonsense, for others it will be different. I hope you find what works for you.

enaid 08/13/2017

Rachy congratulations for awakening out of that nightmare and making a healthy exit. I'll never forget the first time my sister in law talked down to me with zero respect making crazy and groundless accusations. I was so shocked she was being that overt about scapegoating me although I had known for years that this was going on but it never reached that level until a couple years ago. Before then it was limited to snotty comments and snide remarks and innuendos. I am in process of leaving the relationship as well but feel like I want to cover all the bases first.

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