I do all of the above but they still target me (with the exception of moving far away) I don't even have to say anything... they will find something to pick at me about. This past Christmas it was because I didn't buy a Christmas present for my father. For heaven's sake! I'm 52 years old with two grown independent children, and 4 grandchildren. I really don't think I should be lectured about buying a gift for my father... crazy!

This was the final straw for me and I made it clear that I will no longer be a part of any family functions. They have been excluding me from most functions anyways, so it is really just giving them what they want.

That is tough.

My own situation is not much better. But I think that you've done the only really acceptable thing. What else could a person do??

I think the hard part is just accepting: THIS IS IT. THIS is all I get for a family (of origin).

It is rough.

It is funny, because there was a time when I was really very strong (not that I really had much choice!) and while I managed to be able to be so, I remembered saying to my cousin -who had herself been the family scapegoat for years (and who, incidentally, jumped so quick into the role of scapegoater as soon as she got the inkling of a chance to pin it onto me... how wonderful: how utterly Godamned wonderful!!....) that her problem was that she did not believe her own ideas enough.

And it occurs to me: THESE PEOPLE ARE EMOTIONALLY INEPT. THEY ARE EVEN SCUMMY ASSHOLES. ...WHEN WILL I STOP BUYING INTO THEIR BULLSHIT THAT IT IS ME WHO IS THE PROBLEM!!!

I CAN hold me head up high because I HAVE and still do HAVE the decency and integrity to look at my self and take ownership over my flaws.

But these people are such INSECURE ASSHOLES that it is NEVER ENOUGH. This is why they demand nothing less than perfection from their scapegoat (and why, if you even attain it, you'll be lucky if you get any appreciation -and may in fact get abuse from some total arrogant ignorant pieces of controlling shit who revel in projection) ....and why you are UTTERLY ALONE in such a family.

I think there is a serious lack of empathy in these families collectively. And that the scapegoat is labelled as being this way, when at the very least, it is in fact a problem shared by the majority if not all of the family.

It is utterly painful. So unbearably lonely, frequently, to be the scapegoat in this family -the one who cops all the blame and responsibility and burden for what is a SHARED problem.

And the only chance at getting out from under from this life sentence that these merciless hypocrits hand out - is to rely solely upon yourself for validation.

It is like forced spiritual growth. Like an intensive course for curing whatever narcissistic traits exist (nevermind how much is in fact an average amount -there is no mercy or leniency within these toxic family units) within an individual. It is BULLY central.

The only way to survive it is to not doubt this for a second. To never expect anything else. To reaffirm one's position and one's experience by being firm on the point that these people have a problem - and can never acknowledge it and never likely will.

Never expect validation. Never expect empathy. They are too weak. Too sick. And cannot manage it.

By acknowledging this, I let my self off the hook of ever being in wait for THEIR acceptance, THEIR love, their acknowledgment of my equal self worth. They are NOT CAPABLE of giving this.

And it is THEIR PROBLEM. THEIR TRAGEDY. THEIR LOSS.

You have done the right thing by making a family for yourself. I still have to do this.
My family of origin experiences, together with some anxiety (and perhaps some narcissistic traits) I already had, have seen me be quite isolated - from both employment and with relationships with others along with this.

So I have really had to start from next to nothing.

...I frequently visit a blog that is supposed to be about psychic channeling of a person's beloved son. And I am not ashamed of doing this, because it brings me comfort: too often I feel as though almost no one loves me. That is how I feel in my family - a real lack of love.
Heaven is often described on this blog -and I would think that I would not be inclined to want to see my family members there (assuming they died before me or could be in two places at once, etc) - I would want to see colleagues.

...I believe in sayings like FAMILY is what you make, and it is not a bond of blood but about who cares about you and who you care about. I found this in a workplace -and it did wonders for me. Cured me almost overnight.

...Abuse I would receive from a sibling in particular, for being down and out - when in fact it was her and my family's toxic behaviours and attitudes that saw me dragged down like I was ... these sorts of assholes will only continue to abuse. If you suffer and fall apart, they will abuse you for that.

They will NEVER acknowledge their part of the problem, nor their OWN dysfunction.

Those healthy, empathic people I was so lucky to work with - gave me a hand up, and my worthless bitch of a sister, who then finally started showing some basic respect to me, will NEVER comprehend the significance of this.

She is truly a loser who does not understand the worth of something. She may be all shiny on the outside but she is wrotten within.

I would do what you are doing in your situation. I am going to gradually distance my self from them more and more, until I rarely have to see them (once my parents are dead).

I know what I described in my previous post is not extreme. It is only a very small example which represents what it's been like for literally decades. My children got on the scapegoating bandwagon for a few years as well, which was more painful than anything I've ever experienced. I finally stood up to them, and now I have a good "normal" relationship with both them and my grandchildren.

Prisoner, my experiences also affected my work life. I made some choices that in the eyes of society would seem like steps backwards, when in fact they have allowed me to be happy and peaceful for the first time in my life. I went from being a professional woman, with all the fancy clothes, the car, etc., to being a house cleaner. And, you know what? I have never been happier in my life. This job has zero stress. My sisters (I speak mostly about them because it is they who do the bulk of the scapegoating) for the most part are uptight, stressed, over scheduled, bundles of nervous energy. One of their biggest problems with me right now is that they say I am a fake.... apparently I am not really calm and relaxed... truth is, I was the biggest fake in the world when I was pretending to have it all together while in those stressful occupations. I was a fake then... I am as far from fake as one could imagine now. I totally march to the beat of my own drummer.

Wow, I seem to be on a bit of a tangent now.

I hope you are able to create your own circle of love, prisoner. Love really does make all the difference for a person.

Thanks. I hope so also. It is just too painfully lonely otherwise.

Nobody needs to be alone. Just because your family chooses to dislike you, doesn't mean the rest of the world does. Everyone will fit in somewhere. Find something you enjoy and join a club. Whether it's reading, dancing (my favourite activity), kayaking, fishing, knitting, or gaming, there is a club for everything. If you have a common interest, usually you will find the people there will like you. People tend to like people who are like them. Just me two cents worth.

I am so tempted to cut my family off. My sister has a wedding soon and part of me doesn't want to go. I will be moving far away in a few years so that will solve the problem but I want to teach them a lesson by having no contact. I just want to see how it feels to be powerful for once. They are always ignoring me when they are mad and being passive aggressive. They never see me for who I am and they try and sabotage me. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of being around people that don't care about my feelings.

I can fully relate, jess3308. I am 52 and have only just now finally taken control. I have 3 sisters who routinely get together with each other, plus have "female" family get-togethers which include my nieces. I have not been included in these events for many years. I generally find out about them by accident, or overhear them talking about it at a family function. They will, however, occasionally give me the honour.. ha ha ha... of being included in group emails about mundane things. I made the decision not to attend family get togethers just this past January, and just yesterday told them not to include me in the group emails. They of course sent me a barrage of emails telling me how crazy I am, etc. etc. My point is this. ....

They do not get to decide when I am included and when I am excluded. I decide that. When (which will be never) they decide to include me in ALL get togethers which I should be a part of (ie any female events... of course not if it's the guys getting together) I am not interested in being handed their crumbs. I have finally developed some self respect and self esteem. I now make the rules for myself, not them.

I am not doing this to get revenge, to prove I am better than them, or anything. I am simply taking control of my own life and my own emotions. They will no longer hold the puppet strings. I control my own strings.

Yes, I have stopped all contact at the moment but my mother is trying to lute me back in with letters, ha. Hope I can keep strong. I have cut contact but we now have the issue with the children seeing her. I want to move away too. No one deserves to be treated liken this. Keep strong, hold your ground, and try not to let them eat away at your self esteem. X

Lure not lute

My self esteem is now at a healthy level. Took me 52 years to get here, though. That's why I come on here. Hopefully others will take a stand sooner than me.