Family Scapegoats Community Group

This is a Group for discussing Scapegoating. The Scapegoat is often the family member who tells or acts out the truth ("the Truth Teller") regarding the family's dysfunction that no one else is prepared to acknowledge or talk about. It is this truth telling that makes them the target for carrying the blame for all the family's problems. If you are the Scapegoat...

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/ Family Scapegoats Support Group

Scapegoat of the family

Scott44
Scott44

I know this forum doesn’t get a lot of activity but I can’t sleep and it helps to write these things out.


I’m the scapegoat of my family and it hurts.  I’m older and not a kid but I was pretty much raised this way.  I believe it’s what’s led to a lot of the shame and low self esteem I struggle with on top of the bullying I was subjected to growing up.  Even though I’m not a fan of psychiatric diagnoses, I was diagnosed with complex PTSD due to all the abuse I got from family and peers.  It’s difficult not to start believing the negativity and hatred you receive when it seems everyone joins in on it.  It really makes you question yourself.  Sometimes it seems suicide may be the only solution but I’m trying really hard to turn things around before I make that decision.


I’ve always been blamed for most of the family problems and while I’m not perfect it seems anything that goes wrong or things that are imaginary is blamed on me.  Another aspect of scapegoating is when the family will lay blame on you for things they are in fact guilty of doing.  For example my sister and her arrogant husband have barrowed thousands of dollars from my mother and have only paid back a small portion of it and even though I never ask for hand outs, it’s as though I’m the one who’s guilty of this.  A few years ago my nephew hacked into my bank account and stole two thousand dollars, no one cared. 


Due to my financial situation I had to give up my apartment and move back in with my mother.  I’m trying to find my own place but in the mean time I have no choice but to stay here.  Eventually my plan is to get out and cut off all contact with my family, it’s not what I want but for my own mental health it’s really the only way.


It’s hard going through this alone but I’m trying my best to maintain some sanity and rebuilding what’s left of my self esteem.

citrines
citrines
I just ran across your post when I signed in today for the first time in a while. I found a website where a psychologist specializes in victims of scapegoat abuse and it helped me. I can relate to many of your experiences as I am also the family scapegoat. It has been very stressful and heartbreaking as my younger sister and husband are also as you described your sister and brother-in-law. They are the most arrogant people I've ever known constantly being vindictive and cut-throat. Right now they have shunned me from the family and they are all gathering without me.

I don't know how to make it stop hurting but I will tell you this. It is not your fault. Please don't ever think your life is not worthy or less valuable because of their callousness and manipulations. I hope you are doing okay living with your mother again. I know it is difficult to have to be around the dynamics until you get back on your feet.

Just know you are not alone and you have done nothing so bad as to warrant this derision from your own blood. I truly believe there is a level of strong pathology in members of the family who engage in scapegoating and they are evil.

If you ever want o check out the website for survivors of scapegoat abuse the woman's name is Rebecca Mandeville. She has a checklist for victims and I could in all entirety relate to every single one. Also, goodtherapy website has excellent information for scapegoat victims.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to talk with.
Scott44
Scott44
I know this is a late reply but I wanted to say thanks for your comment. It's painful being subjected to the isolation and rejection that comes with being labeled as the family scapegoat. I'm still living with family but I do have a housing voucher to find an apartment but to be honest even getting own place probably won't feel any better, I'll still be alone.

Currently I'm going through some insomnia not actually related to this but due to the continuous shaming I received from family but also bullying has affected every other part of life. I think I will just have to accept that I will always be alone. I try to fix things but it never works out. I want to give up
Shaden
Shaden
Scott, I too am the family scapegoat. My entire family scapegoats me minus one son, based on absolute lies/projections from my mother. Hang in there. Do not give up. I have down days too, bullying does that, but the world is a big place. I wish there were more groups for scapegoats becoming friends, hanging out and having fun. Some things that helped me is listening to Marissa Peer and Louise Hay videos, emotional freedom tapping and keeping a gratitude journal. Once you learn to value yourself, you will not tolerate others treating you less than. I am new here, but feel free to add me as a friend if you know how. Narcs are sadistic bullies, that feed on your sadness. When you ignore them they get no satisfaction. I felt a lot like you a few years ago. After reading many books listening to a lot narcissistic recovery and self love videos most days I am much, much better and for sure a lot stronger. There are many people who were scapegoated. You are not alone.
AtBottomOfMyRope
AtBottomOfMyRope
omg, I can relate. There really should be a national support group. This is such an horrendous thing to go through. I've considered suicide as well. And the worst thing is the 'mob' mentality when there's one who mainly tries to turn everyone against you with gaslighting, twisting your words, etc. I'm just happy to read that the scapegoats are usually the 'normal' ones, but what good does that do you when they get everyone to go against you anyway. It's so depressing.
I'm curious to know if anyone has a success story in ending the scapegoating? The help videos I listen to are not promising.
AtBottomOfMyRope
AtBottomOfMyRope
And, Scott...you sound like an amazing person! Don't give up.
elisabeth
elisabeth
fighting tears… i identify with so much of what you wrote. i’ve been ostracized from my family for a few years and it hurts like hell. you are definitely not alone.
Palosanto
Palosanto
I hear you Scott. I'm thinking of the quote that goes along the lines of, we have survived 100 percent of our hardest days! Hang in there. Sending you well wishes.