Oh, and I believe in karma. So I think they will face consequences for the way they treated me. No one can escape karma. We all have lessons to learn. Apparently, they haven't learned enough lessons in this life.

Hi Denise! Great article, especially the final paragraph.

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I like to call the "assistant scapegoaters" the "minions" and/or the "flying monkeys." I've seen a bunch of great videos on YouTube that discuss this type of issue, not only by searching "scapegoating" but "narcissistic abuse." The latter is usually used to describe the harmful dynamics of an extremely unhealthy romantic relationship or marriage.
It seems there has been much research on scapegoating, and it seems to occur in the sickest and most dysfunctional of families--and of course, they don't admit it.
I keep my distance, as well from my family, and it's been the healthiest thing. The scapegoating continues in their minds, but at least not in person--for a very, very long time.
I never set out to change any of them, but I did see myself changing *myself* in order to appear less "threatening" to this immature group of people (my family of origin). And yes, I also found that if I discussed the truth of the family sickness, that only led to more scapegoating.
Karma is definitely something I believe in, as well. I just leave it to the Universe, and when these people are ready to learn certain lessons, those lessons will be bestowed up them. They may kick and scream when hit by these lessons... but that is their karma and not mine.
Thanks for posting, I'm new to the group, as well!

Oh yeah, meant to add... For me personally, I have limited contact, and ironically found it easier to have more group contact versus one-on-one. For my FOO personally, I think they are so concerned with what other people think of them, that they busy themselves with trying to impress one another with how "stable" they are, so they don't scapegoat if somebody else might be looking!
So ironic... because they are all flying monkeys amongst themselves.
My limited contact over the years since the late 1990s has led them to see me as a formidable force who stands up for justice. And that's just fine by me!
Take care!

Thanks Peanut! It seems like you have had years of experience dealing with this dysfunctional dynamic, and discovered strategies that work best. I agree, they are so concerned with their "image" that they tend to contain themselves when others (outside the family) are present. I recently had a dinner with my in-laws, friends, and some FOO members. My in-laws and friends were very sociable and really trying to converse with them. My family members were somewhat short, and didn't interact much. They kept to themselves or got on their phones. It was a very different dynamic among FOO and non-FOO. However, I could tell my FOO avoided any neg. comments, teasing, etc. They didn't feel comfortable being neg. or critical in front of others. So I think I will include non-family members when I get together with FOO. It keeps things light, superficial, and relatively friendly. I agree, I believe the scapegoating dynamic began with my parents. I think my dad is a classic narcissists and my mom is a covert narcissist. I always knew my dad was selfish and arrogant. But my mom hid it better than he did. She came across as a "do gooder." This was her image. But I was always aware of her self-centeredness and her sense of entitlement. She never protected me from my brother who bullied me all my life. She acted as if she was powerless over it, and didn't know how to handle it. Now looking back, I think she encouraged it. Anyway, I am learning that I can not ever have a healthy relationship with any members of my FOO. They are not wired for it, and are not seeking it; and perhaps don't even know that healthy, trusting, loving, respectful relationships really exist. Like I said, it's sad. And to me, it seems like a waste of life. However, I am no longer invested in fixing it. And, I am no longer concerned about their opinion of me or my actions. I feel free, but I also feel sad that it is what it is. The good news is that scapegoats get to be free in the end. Flying monkeys are not. Thanks for your sharing your experiences, comments, and insights. You too, take care! Best wishes.

Oh, I also want to mention that they often say "they love me." As if they are trying to guilt trip me into giving in to whatever they want. Love and trust (safety) are 2 very different concepts. We can love freely -- without interaction or contact. But physical contact & interactions have to be safe. They manipulate and make it seem like love and good intentions are enough. No! Sometimes neglect happens when intentions are good, but can still result in abuse and harm. Love and good intentions are basics, but safety requires trust, stability, & consistency (with words & actions).

Hi DeniseM,
Definitely, I agree that they are not wired for healthy relationships. It's like their souls are immature, you know? Those FOO members who say "I love you" all the time, I believe they are saying a sentence which they've been raised to believe sounds good (and they may believe that it's true). But love isn't just a word, it's energy. And energy doesn't lie, does it!!
Thanks for writing back, I liked your additional observations and insights. :-)

A little off tangent here... but wouldn't it be cool if the anagram for Family Of Origin, could somehow be reconfigured to be: POOH or POO...!

-Just a thought.

I also have limited, or no contact with my foo of origin now. This only began a few months ago, after trying for several years without success (I always went back thinking surely things would have changed). I am also in my 50"s and decided I want as little stress as possible in my life as I age. It"s too hard on the body and mind. I owe it to my children and grandchildren to be strong, healthy, and happy. It is difficult to be those things when being treated as defective and unworthy.

I have spent far too much time trying to analyze why my family is the way it is, and trying to figure out how to change it. Some are in their 60"s now.,,, they are not going to change. So, my two options are either keep baning my head against the proverbial brick wall, or walk away from the wall. Seems walking away makes a whole lot more sense.

The traits mentioned in the article all apply to my scapegoaters. They are self righteous, vindictive people who view themselves as above reproach and better than everyone.