Hello jess3308. There is nothing wrong with having hope, as long as you are not allowing yourself to be mistreated. My advice is that if you are struggling with depression, please speak to a professional. Being cast aside by one's own family is a very difficult situation to deal with. Do not try to deal with it alone.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

hi jess
thanks for that share there about depressing family members and how dumb they can be towards us when they feel frustrated with how dull they are unto themselves. I need to pat you on the back here, because you sunk to none of their depths, and really, I applaude you for hanging in there and not being a dumbass with them. and that includes running away and all that.

Hi hun. I am sorry you are going through this. It is awful when family members treat one person with such indifference. I have had hope the whole of my life and I have tried to be so nice to them, I have tried so hard but I got nothing back except nastiness. Eventually I realised that things would never change and I have recently broke all ties to my mother brothers and sister. I just felt like it was the healthiest option really, for me as I was constantly getting angry about the treatment. They never ever validated my feelings or ha dB any regard for my feelings, it's like it didn't matter what I was feeling, it was awful. I don't know, what else to say other than in my experience these people can't help it and lack normal human emotions such as compassion and empathy. You need to protect yourself. Have you tried asserting yourself a little? I know that this is a hard thing to do when they are all against you but if you are not ready to break away, at least if you stood up to them you could protect your own self esteem and self worth. I wish I would have done this more. Maybe it could have been sorted out and resolved. Good luck x

I did the same, after literally decades of nonsense. I'm more or less past all the anger and frustration (finally). For me, I have decided that until I can be treated with kindness and included in ALL family functions - not excluded from most and included in some in order to quell their own feelings of guilt - I will simply stay away. They are not going to change. I'm not sure how old the others here are, but I am in my my 50's, my siblings are in their 40's, 50's and 60's. Nothing has changed except that I finally woke up and realized this is not my problem... it's theirs. For those who are younger, my advice is to read all you can about this, see a professional to help you sort through your feelings, and to see if there is anything you can do to change things (my guess is there isn't). Then, stay away from them. Protect yourself, build your own life, be happy, feel good about yourself... dance... find love if you don't have it now... do whatever you enjoy doing, and do NOT feel bad about it. You deserve to have a loving, fulfilled, happy, joyful, fun, exciting, life... however you define that. Go out and find that. You will not find it with your family.

Thank you, such wise, comforting words to hear and so true. No one who hasn't gone through this could have answered this like you do. Thank you xx

Thank you all who have responded and I cherish all of your responses. Some time has gone by and I missed my sisters wedding but I am sticking to my feeling inside that I need a long term space from certain people in my family. I have not seen them since I posted this originally. They have not apologized either. I am comfortable with the space right now and putting myself first. I feel this has helped me greatly although I was depressed for a bit. I hope everyone will post an update on their situation. I hope one day to forgive and see my family even if they don't apologize.. but I can't be clear that will be an option for me at this time. Putting myself first is a miracle. ✨

Jess3308, I am so happy to read that you are putting yourself first.

It is my birthday today. I have 3 sisters, and it would be nice--given that we are all relatively close to each other geographically--to be able to celebrate with them once in a while. I got up and thought about something Richard Grannon said (he has some amazing videos on the subject). He said, "they need to believe you are a piece of shit". So, I emailed that they are correct, listing all the horrible things I have heard about myself over the years, and agreeing. I basically said "you are right, I am wrong". Still didn't work. Now I am mean for having sent this... argh!!!!! If they need me to feel like a piece of shit, I will say "you are right.. I really am a piece of shit". .... I know who I am and really at this point don't care if they need me to be this person they have created in their minds.

Fortunately I have a good husband. He understands how I feel, why I feel that way, and why I keep trying. Makes a big difference.

Now that I got it out, it's once again on them. I apologized, admitted all my shortcomings... some real, some made up in their minds. If I am still not good enough to be a part of their little clique, so be it.

..... this weekend I will go dancing with my love. Some time over the next few weeks I will become a grandmother once again. Life is good! Do I really need them??? .... not really......

why is family so important to us scapegoats? ....

Yes, I also thought it was me for the longest time and there was plenty of proof that it was. My accomplishments and lifestyle are, according to society’s standards, grossly inferior to those of my brother and his wife.

But it turns out that my sister-in-law’s snide remarks and attitude towards me was ‘her’ not me.

I no longer accept innuendo’s from other people nor do I accept pressure from within telling me I’m of an inferior stamp.



In my case it was my brother who was the golden child and he is now married to a woman who thinks she is and who has addressed more than one snide innuendo at me suggesting I’m inferior.

I now realize that those times when I was shocked at the ‘overkill’ leveled at me over some innocent mistake on my part was me being scapegoated.

I always thought I was being paranoid when I suspected my family was talking about me behind my back in very unflattering terms but now I realize I was probably right.

Please don’t feel guilty for avoiding your sister’s wedding. That part of you the wants to stay away is a very wise part of you. Just remember no matter what you do or don’t do it will be grist for the gossip mill with your family, so you might as well take care of you and forget about their opinion or reaction. In my case I have gradually separated myself altogether.

I’ve read up on scapegoating and from what I understand they will never own up to what they’re doing because they need to look down on you and feel that they’re right to do so.

So therefore they will never validate your experience.

Sometimes hope leads us only into further pain and confusion.

Very true.... in their minds we are totally evil while they are totally good. When their words and actions lose their impact on us is when we are free. Until that time, staying away is the best option.