The defense to gaslighting is love of self and self-confidence. You just have to know that you are a good, decent person, no matter what anyone else thinks. When you can maintain this self-confidence, it actually has a boomerang effect and exacerbates the gaslighter's own sanity, which was probably sketchy to begin with.

hugs,
--EJ

Thank you, BBB, for that link. My ex fits the description of a wolf in sheep's clothing. My biggest problem now is trust. Even after all the work I've done during 7 years of therapy, I struggle to trust others.

love and hugs
kamary

Yes, I agree Epicjourney. I am starting to see that in my own life, thankfully.

Kamary, my ex is also the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing. I have been in therapy for 6.5 years now and like you, I still struggle with trusting others. They really do a number on our sense of self.

Yes, BBB. He pulled the wool over my eyes and I am too afraid someone else will do the same thing. I doubt that I will ever date or marry again.

love and hugs
kamary

I hope you learn to trust again, kamary. Life is about falling in love and sharing time and experiences with someone.

Thank you, BBB. Maybe someone will come and it will just happen. Maybe if I like someone enough, I will be willing. I hope for the same for you.

love and hugs
kamary

Thank you. :-) Hugs to you as well.

Great article! I read a quote yesterday that has stuck in my mind and seems appropriate. It was the actress Viola Davis at the SAG awards here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGtAiEPOFzU - very short! (SAG stands for Screen Actors Guild here in the US).

Anyway, she says: "I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am." I mean, isn't that what gaslighters and scapegoaters are always trying to tell us, that we are the broken ones, the crazy ones?

I always said a version of this as: when someone calls me a liar, it usually means they are a liar. That's been my personal experience with people who have accused me of being a liar (after many years of observation). I'm one of those people who is honest to a fault (sometimes should really just not say anything) so I know, beyond a doubt, that I'm not a liar. That makes it easy to take a closer look at someone who accuses me of lying or being a liar.

I think that is what EJ is saying above: we have to believe in ourselves enough not to fall for the con. I may not have confidence in everything, but one thing I do know is that I'm not a liar, so I know people who tell me that are probably liars.

I've fallen for many other cons aimed at my insecurities in the past, so that is something I want to think about - what other insecurities do I have that give these people an "in" with me?

But these are my new magic words: "I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am." And that's the right response to a gaslighter.

Thanks for the post, BaaBaa! Viola Davis is a class act,

Excellent quote, Worthwhile!

I love that quote, Worthwhile!! They judge us by their own standards.

love and hugs
kamary

Yes, ""I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am." Thank you for that, Worthwhile. Negative people think negatively of others. Kit and Kamary used to talk about seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty. That is how I choose to see the world.

hugs,
--EJ