Hi Everyone. I am new to this forum and glad that I ran into this site while looking into the scapegoating roles online. I have been in intensive therapy with a very good psychologist that deals specifically with dysfunctional families and scapegoating. I recently found out that I am and have been the family scapegoat since birth. The emotional abuse from my family members has been weighing on me heavily and having to re-visit these feelings through therapy has me extremely triggered and hypersensitive. I wouldn't even know where to begin with the abuse in my family since it started at birth where I was left in my crib for 12hours at a time (covert narcissistic mother) claimed that she didn't want to disturb the baby. My sister was then born and immediately given the golden child role. Unlike me, she shared the bed with my parents and had a much different upbringing than me because she was raised closer to both parents being the youngest. Since she and I are only 1 year and a few months apart, it caused "comparing", my mother constantly praised her even when she failed, and I was constantly scolded, even when accomplishing good deeds such as cleaning or making good grades in school and being at the top of school groups/activities. My father was non-existent as he had been a big time drug dealer from the age of 14 years old. My father is a narcissist sociopath and very easy to spot upon just 1 conversation with him. He went into prison when I was 11 years old and once that happened my life took a change for the absolute worst. My mother began having an affair that went on for well over 10years and I found photos and emails going back and forth with a man. I told my youth pastors in church and I remember them picking me up on from my house and they told me to show them the emails, well my mother found out that I had seen them and immediately deleted them, thus making me look like a liar and somehow crazy. Being just around 12-13 years old, I revealed this secret to my father while imprisoned on a visit and this took a turn for the worst. My mother had already been treating her precious golden child very well, took her on vacations leaving me behind, bought her the world for all holidays and I got self help books, since I was officially labeled as a crazy lunatic that was making crazy things up in my head while precious drug dealer daddy was away, how could she do no wrong? She turned us against each other at a very young age.

The back and forth and making me look crazy went on for years and I was placed on meds for depression, anxiety, and anger. The psychiatrist at the time did not even examine me and said I was bipolar despite no mood swings or appearances of it and I was so drugged up that I remember falling asleep in class and I do not remember specific details for about 4 years of my life around that time. Without giving tons of stories on here because I could literally Write a book on my experiences alone, my father got out of prison when I was turning 17. My parents stayed together after my claims of the affair, I was in and out of mental hospitals (baker acted), placed into juvinile detention centers, ostracized from family members, and my mother would go out of her way behind my back to label me as crazy to anyone and everyone she could get a hold of.

About 4 years after my father got out of prison, he suspected my mother was having an affair and he hired a private investigator. Turned out that my implications were correct, but by then their emotional abuse along with my father getting physical with me at times in rage, it was too late. He also came out of prison more flawed than ever and being a sociopath he was out to seek and destroy anyone who came into his path.

My parents shortly divorced after the findings and during this time I met an amazing man that I have been engaged to since February, but we have been in a serious relationship for 7 years. Since I recently came to terms with me being the scapegoat (I had no idea) about any of this when we met and found out about it 3months ago. Along with finding out that I am also a codependent. I immediately began the therapy as well as couples counseling. Our relationship has been very rocky because of my childhood and being young when we got together all played parts into the toxicity that we have had in our relationship. He and I are fighting so hard to push through this tough time in our lives but I am so hypersensitive and easily triggered at this time because I am currently going through what the therapist says is the hardest part of her therapy (breakdown) in having to relive past painful memories with each one of my family members before going into the breakthrough phase. Throughout these past months we have been planning our wedding for 1-20-18 everything is set but since I went no-contact with my family, they left me no other choice, lately I have been having severe feelings of guilt that this is all my fault. My golden child sister tried to plan her own wedding around mine and she is marrying a man that is a huge drug dealer (he is just like my father), has 4 children from different women, and is even far more narcissistic than she is. He lashed out at me saying how dare I try to plan my wedding around the same time as theirs, yet I hadn't spoken to them in over 6months and my mother said to me that I was inconveniencing her baby of having her special moment, that I was to plan it on x,y, and z dates (basically on her terms and whatever she decides) although we are paying for our wedding out of our pockets since my sister's wedding is paid for by my parents because she is the golden child.I finally went no contact and stayed no contact and  have not spoken to any of them since and that was back on 12-26-16. 

Journaling tends to be my go-to in times such as now since I am better at explaining my thoughts and feelings on paper. I guess a question that I have is, what are some good tools to use when I am feeling extreme sensitivities of hurt, sadness, combined with anger and feeling heavily triggered? At times like these I feel absolutely helpless and desperate for a way out of the rabbit hole.

Looking forward to being a part of this group and getting feedback, and support. Thank you so much!