Family Scapegoats Community Group
This is a Group for discussing Scapegoating. The Scapegoat is often the family member who tells or acts out the truth ("the Truth Teller") regarding the family's dysfunction that no one else is prepared to acknowledge or talk about. It is this truth telling that makes them the target for carrying the blame for all the family's problems. If you are the Scapegoat...
I am needing to make a decision whether to continue with my counselor I hired about three months ago. About the same time I found DS, and PEACE and now this site. The understanding and support and insights I have got here I've found to be more helpful than any counseling I've ever had.
I do not think she really understands the dynamics of scapegoating or estrangement by kids or FOO. She to have that Dr. Josh Colemean view point with her comments. I go home frustrated and start collecting articles to help her understand. me! But hey the articles are great for me at the least.
She wants to do things like "Reparenting" I have little knowledge about that but it dose not sound too helpful. Any of you done that?
She also wants me to start writing down and repeating three times a day good things about myself. I am smart, I am smart, I am smart. That is going to help me with the self doubt when I was trained to see black as white and white as black? I need to know just what about me is smart. I need hard core evidence, feed back from someone to know if what I see is really real. I am wanting to untangle the black is white and white is black thinking about myself. so i can trust myself better.
She asked me how it would feel like to not self-doubt? As if just visualizing that would help me do it. Ummm how would I know> It is like asking someone to imagine how chocolate would tase if they have not ever had chocolate. Of how if would feel to taste chocolate everyday if they have only had a tiny taste of it. A few bites once in a while can not let you know how a daily diet of it would be like. OK I'm ranting.
I think anyone on this site knows all about the self-doubting about what you see. feel and know. Since for all your life your were told that what you see, feel know is not right.
I would love to hear what kind of self-work and/or what kind of counseling has been most helpful for you.
I do not think she really understands the dynamics of scapegoating or estrangement by kids or FOO. She to have that Dr. Josh Colemean view point with her comments. I go home frustrated and start collecting articles to help her understand. me! But hey the articles are great for me at the least.
She wants to do things like "Reparenting" I have little knowledge about that but it dose not sound too helpful. Any of you done that?
She also wants me to start writing down and repeating three times a day good things about myself. I am smart, I am smart, I am smart. That is going to help me with the self doubt when I was trained to see black as white and white as black? I need to know just what about me is smart. I need hard core evidence, feed back from someone to know if what I see is really real. I am wanting to untangle the black is white and white is black thinking about myself. so i can trust myself better.
She asked me how it would feel like to not self-doubt? As if just visualizing that would help me do it. Ummm how would I know> It is like asking someone to imagine how chocolate would tase if they have not ever had chocolate. Of how if would feel to taste chocolate everyday if they have only had a tiny taste of it. A few bites once in a while can not let you know how a daily diet of it would be like. OK I'm ranting.
I think anyone on this site knows all about the self-doubting about what you see. feel and know. Since for all your life your were told that what you see, feel know is not right.
I would love to hear what kind of self-work and/or what kind of counseling has been most helpful for you.
After a few months of therapy, it sounds to me as though you're finding that your counsellor might not be the right fit for you at the moment, and perhaps it's time to consider finding one who is more knowledgeable about the issues you are facing.
Mindfulness and Positive Psychology are very useful types of psychology, I have found - particularly mindfulness, as it teaches us to take charge of our thought patterns and live in the present:- http://mindfulnet.org/page2.htm
You might also benefit from doing a few of Dr Coleman's estrangement webinars. These take the form of an online or telephone talk by Dr Coleman, at the end of which he answers questions that participants have sent to him either before or during the webinar. I've attended several webinars and found them highly useful.
Hugs
Kit
I thnk your counselor may be taking a different perspective that you might not have considered and my suggestion is to think on it some more before you write her off.
The one thing that has helped me on this journey of healing from emotional abuse, the scapegotaing role I was given, from my parents is to bring it all back to ME. Yes, I have vented, I have cried. I have spent years feeling angry. After I got through all that, I have turned within. And I do believe I have taken something like the 'reparenting myself' route that your counselor is suggesting. She seems to be giving you journaing activities, etc. to put the focus back on you and how to build yourself into a stronger person - you can never change other people's behavior or the scapegoating patterns they have created. You can become stronger and more empowered by changing the way you see things and taking the best possible care of yourself.
Your own opinions about what what you want or need in a counselor is ultimately the best judgment. You know better than I do what is best for you and I do respect that your personal path to healing is yours and yours alone to walk, no judgment. But as far as my own opinion goes, based on my own experience, I think that in the long run turning the focus back to me has been extremely empowering.
I have done affirmations for ages but find, I need a point of reference for that. I think the most helpful things for me is figuring out the lies I have believed about myself and the knee jerk reaction to don't feel, think or speak. For example just what is it that is "good" , kind, smart, etc about me. When all along all those things that were indeed good were labeled bad. So how does one untwist all that? What does that look like in real life? Learning to see that white is white and black is black, not the opposite. Lots of reality checking. I have spent years and years reading, writing, researching.
For some reason I am not clicking with this nice lady and feel that she just is not hearing me. After my sessions I feel I have to go home and find all kinds of article to explain how i am feeling and what my goals are. Then I come to DS and oh my feel so forward moving get excellent ideas for putting into practice my goals. Get honest feedback. Perhaps, that will take root at a deeper level. Can we really erase all the old neural patterns ever? Or do we just learn better and better how to recognized them and deal with it. It has taken my whole life.
For me getting hurt is a healthy sign. For so long, many many years ago, i could not even recognize or feel bad when I was abused by someone so kept finding those people to hang out with and i allowed my kids to abuse me. The healthier I got, the more unacceptable and the more the abuse hurt. It is a good thing to feel pain when you put your hand on a hot stove and to recognize as hot stove when you see it. LOL
The ones that get me now must be ones that are deeply buried because I have spent my entire adult life trying to dig all this out and untwist the lies. I am highly insightful but there must be some buried down there that causes me confusion and self-doubt STILL!
Breaking the family rules of no speaking, no feeling and no seeing I am still trying to do without guilt and self-doubt. and that anything I do or say is wrong, selfish, etc. I know intelectually that is not true. But the emotional part of me still quakes when i tell my truth.
hugs,
--EJ
--EJ