Family Scapegoats Community Group
This is a Group for discussing Scapegoating. The Scapegoat is often the family member who tells or acts out the truth ("the Truth Teller") regarding the family's dysfunction that no one else is prepared to acknowledge or talk about. It is this truth telling that makes them the target for carrying the blame for all the family's problems. If you are the Scapegoat...
Hi everyone, I just wanted to take a moment and introduce myself to the entire forum and to describe an experience I recently had.
About two months ago, I had an incident with my parents that was typical of my relationship with them since I was a child. Afterwards I started thinking about a family therapy session we all went to when I was 21 years old and a term that the counselors used to describe my role in the family, it was “scapegoat”.
So I jumped on the internet and started researching the term. At first all I saw were descriptions referring to biblical and sociological definitions, but then I refined my search to “family scapegoat” and I finally found the information I was looking for. One of the pages I checked out was one where you could take an online test to determine if you might in fact be one. I remember one of the things they were talking about referred to one or more narcissistic parents, I thought, “Interesting, but I don’t think that should skew the results”. Well, I took the test and I scored around an 80% likelihood. I went and took two more tests and both of them were in the 80-95% range. I thought, "okay, I’m onto something here". So I spent the rest of the afternoon poring over online forums and articles referring to what a family scapegoat is and all of the consequences of being one.
Page after page after page I saw myself in every description, every forum post and psychological article I could find. Depression, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, inability to form long lasting relationships and ad infinitum. The next day, I decided to spend the entire day researching and gaining as much knowledge as I could on the subject, (I’m on disability for clinical depression) and I think I had what’s known as an “epiphany”. Memories of past physical and emotional abuse starting flooding into my head, I felt like my head was going to explode. It got so bad I was seriously considering admitting myself to a psych facility for my own safety. I went and started writing everything down so I wouldn’t forgot (I think it must be over 15 pages worth). I went from thinking it was just odd that every piece of information on the subject referred to one or more narcissists being involved to: “I know I’ll never get my dad to sit down with a psychiatrist, but I think he most certainly has NPD”. I now know my mom is the enabler (along with a host of other things) and my oldest sister is most definitely the flying monkey.
That was two and a half weeks ago and they just subsided today. In fact earlier today I had an extreme bout of depression and had to spend most of the day in bed, but as soon as I awoke, I did a quick self-check to see where I was at and I started typing all of this out. I’m definitely going to start therapy again and I’m going to find someone who I can trust (severe trust issues) and who is knowledgeable with this kind of thing. This is the most significant event to happen to me in my 51 years of life.
I can relate to much of what you've written in your post. I went through a major depressive episode 9 years ago. To recover I went to therapists searching for the answer to what is wrong with me, so that I could fix that and then hopefully the relationships with my family members would improve. Unfortunately I was told by therapist after therapist that there is nothing wrong with me. Darn! Surprisingly, it was a conversation with a sister of mine that started me down the path of investigating the term "scapegoat". Like you, it was as though I was reading about myself and I had to accept that I am indeed the scapegoat in my family of origin.
Once I realized this, I began acting differently with them. I no longer accepted their put-downs and started speaking up against my main scapegoater. All hell broke loose and just as the articles say, she suddenly became the helpless victim. I've now broken off all contact with my family, with the exception of my father. (I do have my own children and grandchildren, so still have family). It has been one of the most difficult decisions I've had to make and it has been quite a struggle to become my own person apart from them. However, it has also been liberating. I can be myself without fear of ridicule. I wish I had done this decades ago!
I'm sorry for what you have been through, and are going through.
There isn't a lot of discussion in this group, I think because it is public and there is fear that family members could read it.
Hang in there! Gaining an understanding is the first step towards healing. I'm 53, and just discovering a new life
I think a lot of people read but don't post. For that reason, I continue to post.
My path as a scapegoat has involved one in-depth realization after another, all of which have made life way easier for me and brought me great joy.
Therefore there is a tiny part of me that's grateful for my role as a family scapegoat, simply because it involves this kind of satisfying growth. In fact I do feel sorry for my siblings because I've noticed that he has not really grown – in fact he has stayed pretty much the way our parents raised him even though he is now in his late 60s. One time I think I even said to him that it's not about staying true to the standards set forth by our parents, but rather it's about branching out and discovering one’s own standards. I've seen how miserable he is in life as a result of not learning his own ways of coping.