To say that My Feelings about " Things " lately have been Mixed-Up would be the UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR, I think ! Every Time I THINK that I've made a LOT of Progress towards Healing over what I went through when My EXBF was Here - and NOT My EXBF, obviously, that's JUST WHEN it all FALLS APART because of ONE PHONE CALL !!!! ONE SOLE PHONE CALL is enough to bring back ALL OF THE PAIN as IF He ONLY JUST LEFT ME YESTERDAY !!!!
This Makes Me Wonder IF maybe I should SOMEHOW find a Way of MAKING MYSELF resist the URGE to Pick Up the Phone when I see it's HIM on the Caller ID ! PLUS, then NO MATTER WHAT He says on my Answering Machine, I'd HAVE TO IGNORE IT... AND CONTINUE TO IGNORE ANY FUTURE MESSAGES HE LEFT ON MY ANSWERING MACHINE ! I DIDN'T want it to come to that, BUT right now I'm not sure what else to do ! I've already STOPPED Calling HIM, BUT HE HASN'T STOPPED CALLING ME !!!! It MAYBE wouldn't be SO BAD IF He didn't say Things to Me on the Phone that HURT ME SO MUCH ! Whether He says Those Things KNOWING that They Hurt Me, OR NOT, I really don't know. Maybe He does know that certain Things He says do HURT ME, and it's all Part of some SICK GAME He's Playing with Me ! Maybe it's His Way to CONTINUE to TORMENT ME, even though He's No Longer Living Here with Me ! I HOPE it's NOT THAT ! He's NOT a Good Guy, obviously since He was Abusive towards Me - Emotionally, and Physically - BUT I STILL wouldn't want to Think He'd be THAT CRUEL ! I guess the Possiblity of it shouldn't surprise Me after EVERYTHING He put Me through while He was Here with Me ! I can't explain WHY I would HOPE He'd be Different now. It's NOT that I want Him BACK ! That's really NOT the CASE ! BUT, I'd be Lying IF I said that whenever I've heard His Voice Lately on the Phone, that it stirs up Feelings of MISSING HIM... AGAIN ! Maybe that's the Whole POINT of Him Calling Me... to KEEP ME MISSING HIM !!!! You think that Could be the Case ???? I don't know what to Think, or Do, at this Point. A Part of Me would HOPE that I could still be FRIENDS with Him, but I've already talked to Others about this, and ALL of Them have said the Same Thing... that it's Really NOT Possible to have a Friendship with an ABUSIVE EX ! After all, WHY would I even WANT to be FRIENDS with Someone that would be So ABUSIVE towards Someone who ONLY EVER Tried to LOVE HIM ???!!!!
I'm feeling SO MIXED UP.. SO TORN.. AND CONFUSED.. ABOUT IT ALL.. that ANY Words of Wisdom, or ANY Sort of Advice, or Opinions about this at all, would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks.