i have had a new insight into my life and why i hurt myself punish myself and use drugs. as a child i felt the abuse was my fault. i was told it was. told i wasnt real anyway, so i deserved it. then life teaches us that if we do something bad we must atone for it. break the law go to jail, then everythings ok. life teaches us that if we do wrong, we must suffer or pay, or atone for it, to feel better. what if there is no one to apologize to? or we got away with it and no one knows? or its not something we did wrong anyway, we just feel were wrong, so there is no one to atone to, (except maybe ourselves). for instance someone who was raped may feel dirty and responsible for it. who do they atone to? they cant atone to the rapist. so some people hurt themselves to punish themselves. then they feel better. all is forgiven. i did wrong, i paid for it. now i can move on. i am forgiven. but some of us don't let go of that guilty feeling so easily. we get stuck in a rut. a pattern of feeling guilty, punishing ourselves, then forgiving ourselves. for a moment anyway. then around and around we go. cutting, using drugs, sabotaging any good in our lives... so how do i forgive myself once and for all? i know it wasnt really my fault, all the abuse i suffered many years ago. is there anyone out there who can forgive me? any of you here on this site? id sure appreciate a little forgiveness. i dont want to keep beating myself up. thanks, joey.