hello......single mum of 2 adult kids who left home 3 years ago,weeks within each other,I was really happy for them both as they was learning to stand on their own feet and follow there own pathes, a smile on my face but deep inside my heart ached......the silence was deafing in the house, at one point I used to sit in there rooms just to feel close to them, as time passed it didn't really get easier,I just learnt to live with it.....being a parent to adult children is really hard,I felt I got more wrong than I did right, it didn't help that my emotions was all over the place, pre menopause,also dealing with a illness which isolated me more....no other family it was just me and them, I made mistakes and tried really hard to learn from them,but I truly love them and always will,whether they hear me say that to them or not....I know deep in there hearts they know....we started clashing over different perspectives,I tried to hold back and let them grow but when they hurt me by treating me unkindly,I sometimes would say,but it always fell on deaf ears and they just continued, I went through therapy and have started to grow as a person,but still things with both of my adult children was not great, I felt I had to be fake around them,not have emotion about how they treated me,and obviously there is a lot more to it than just that,I don't want my post to be about how bad things have been and how much crap there has been,as there has been a lot,everyone plays apart in it,but I always gave in as I felt I was the mum and should be the more mature one,which resulted in me crying a lot,feeling really sad,angry,hurt,anxious when ever I did see them,scared sometimes as it felt like such hard work to be around them,obviously they too must have felt something,but I can't speak for them,only from my point of view....any ways I tried on so many different occasions to chat with them about the difficult times,and I got told I was too sensitive,to emotional, I can take that,as I am sensitive and I am emotional,nothing wrong with me being that,if they didn't like something they would just stop talking to me,which the first time it happens hurt like hell, my son once didn't talk for 6 months,it was really bad,eventually we slowly started building bridges,then my daughter did it and that hurt like hell too and tried to build bridges,it felt like a tag team,them against me, I had a really close friend who knew me while the children was growing up,and sometimes she was my outlet,we would chat for ages yes about my kids and how I was hurting,and she would chat about things that was affecting her,this was a regular thing,at the time I don't know what I would of done without her when things was really bad......forward to present day.....we had a falling out,first argument in 15 years and we didn't talk for a couple of months, so she took it upon herself to call my adult daughter and tell her everything we ever talked about.....things taken out of context, I can imagine hearing something like that must of hurt of daughter, and that was never my intention for that to happen,I thought my friend was my friend for life and I was safe to say how I felt.....I have kepted her confidence as I wouldn't break it.....anyway things was already estranged with both my adult kids and now basically I have been cut off from both of them and my grandchildren, and I cried a river and a ocean,I feel numb inside....I know that some of the things that they would of heard would hurt and I am deeply sorry for that,but I am also hurting and it was never for them to hear, I take responbilility in the fact I got it wrong and should never have trusted someone with me deepest feelings at my vulnerable times,I know I have to work on that part.....I have tried to say sorry but I get how they don't want to hear that right now, but through all of this I have felt backed into a corner,if I keep quite when they not treating me nice,they keep doing it as how do they know if I don't say something, so I say and they shout and stop talking to me....it has gone on like this for the last few years and even though I am heartbroken at the thought of not being able to talk to them and have them in my life......I kinda feel relieved that I don't have to pretend that all is well....my feelings do matter and I don't treat them bad,I do everything I can to support them in there lives,I feel like at least they know and even though it's bad and hurtful it's all out in the open and they might take weeks,months or even years before they talk to me,and I will have to take a day at a time and keep working on myself .........my friend on the other hand is no longer that to me as I would never trust her again.....not even with a shopping list...so in one day I lost my best friend,but most importantly I lost my son,daughter and 3 grandchildren, heartbroken,wish I never had feelings then none of this would of happened or would it ? Anyway if no one reads this that's OK as to be honest I just needed it out my head as it driving me mad and I don't have anyone to talk too........alone