Estranged Parents and Adult children Community Group
This group is for all parents of adult children that are or have been estranged. A place to vent and share.
My adoptive family has taught me about Estrangement through gossip, exposure and condemnation-tolerance.
Grandparents, uncles, and other relatives were absent from family functions, and the family would bash them behind their backs infront of everyone. My adoptive mother always threatened me with estrangement throughout my childhood and was kicked out, taken in and around again....the ongoing circus made me hate myself for taking it.
As an adopted child, Estrangement was forced on me from my biological family, now far past my life changing for the better biological family reunion, I still am estranged psychologically from paternal and maternal family. Being estranged is my valid, normal feeling to me, as I never connected to anyone on an intimacy level in life. I actually prefer the peace and boundary of being estranged to the emotional roller-coaster game that my adoptive mother forces me to play. The epiphany came after my adoptive father died and all of the negative behavior continued to live on as my adoptive mother was pulling the strings. The gaslighting, triangulations, psychological manipulations and emotional blackmail were on going behavior patterns that only stopped when I stopped being her victim. I was my family's scapegoat throughout my life, but I no longer wanted to be their victim anymore to I went No-Contact.
My drama role will be replaced by a new scapegoat, and I will live in peace of my own making. When I look back at all of the predictable patterns that were expected from my family, I don't know why I kept going back. My adoptive mother says she has "No Idea" what is wrong". takes no responsibility for her behavior and claims ignorant to any terrible situation from my childhood. When a person can't look at their own bad behavior or how they contributed 50% of a two person problem, there is no hope for psychotherapy or counselling. To go to therapy we must be honest about our faults and learn new tools to change how we operate. When an estranged parent refuses to see the pain they caused, refuses to admit anything or be honest about our selfish compulsions estrangement is the best answer verses continuing to play the dysfunctional family game.
Grandparents, uncles, and other relatives were absent from family functions, and the family would bash them behind their backs infront of everyone. My adoptive mother always threatened me with estrangement throughout my childhood and was kicked out, taken in and around again....the ongoing circus made me hate myself for taking it.
As an adopted child, Estrangement was forced on me from my biological family, now far past my life changing for the better biological family reunion, I still am estranged psychologically from paternal and maternal family. Being estranged is my valid, normal feeling to me, as I never connected to anyone on an intimacy level in life. I actually prefer the peace and boundary of being estranged to the emotional roller-coaster game that my adoptive mother forces me to play. The epiphany came after my adoptive father died and all of the negative behavior continued to live on as my adoptive mother was pulling the strings. The gaslighting, triangulations, psychological manipulations and emotional blackmail were on going behavior patterns that only stopped when I stopped being her victim. I was my family's scapegoat throughout my life, but I no longer wanted to be their victim anymore to I went No-Contact.
My drama role will be replaced by a new scapegoat, and I will live in peace of my own making. When I look back at all of the predictable patterns that were expected from my family, I don't know why I kept going back. My adoptive mother says she has "No Idea" what is wrong". takes no responsibility for her behavior and claims ignorant to any terrible situation from my childhood. When a person can't look at their own bad behavior or how they contributed 50% of a two person problem, there is no hope for psychotherapy or counselling. To go to therapy we must be honest about our faults and learn new tools to change how we operate. When an estranged parent refuses to see the pain they caused, refuses to admit anything or be honest about our selfish compulsions estrangement is the best answer verses continuing to play the dysfunctional family game.
degarotty
Hi, I can't find any help in this group. Has it closed down? I needed to talk to people who have experienced the loss of a son to a d-i-L who just doesn't like you and in turn it has been 2 1/2 years since I have physically seen my son and grand children in person and they live 15 minutes from me. I have a box of presents for Xmas, birthdays which I don't know how to get them to my two beautiful G/Children without causing more problems! Does anyone know how to help a person on the edge, desperately trying to cope and trying to live a life positively. I need help...........please help me.
redsmith
Degarotty, Please hold-on!!! Take deep breaths and don't let go of your ledge. I understand the estrangement pain from both sides as I have lived on the side of being estranged and initiating estrangement. The presents can will wait patiently as you can too although very hard to do. What has triggered the recent feelings of panic and anxiety? Something must have...What might help is to write your feelings down in a journal. Finding a therapist is extremely helpful as well for the person that wants help. To figure out what things led to the estrangement or attempt to seek future dialog with the son. Talking with a therapist shows that you are making an effort to change the way things went on in the past. Estrangement is necessary when one party refuses to acknowledge the other's view. Changes can only occur when we make the effort to allow ourselves to see a different view from our own concrete view. Time is passing and I know I don't have forever, but my own mother refuses to allow my voice so there is no hope for us, only estrangement. Although I never kept my kids away, only myself as she is a great grandma but a terrible mother. Hope you are still breathing Degarotty, as if you are still alive there is hope for a future reunion but it takes effort to try. The old "I'm sorry" is worth it's weight in kindness and goes a long way toward I'm trying to see another point of view. Stay breathing!
degarotty
Redsmith, Thank You for your insight and time. I am holding on but at times it just gets too much because I don't understand why. I have tried the sorry's, asked for a new year of forgiveness - to try to forgive but i was never answered. My son won't even answer or acknowledge that he even got the text or message? Again, thanks for your time and advice, much appreciated!
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