Estranged Grandparents from NJ and neighboring states Community Group
Being an estranged grandparent is a traumatic journey with valleys of despair and hills of hope. The same can be said about estrangement from our adult children. Our estrangements can be devastating, resulting in isolation, depression and many other unhealthy emotions. Family and friends are unable to understand our pain. The main goal of Estranged Grandparents is to...
Patti Reagan Davis was estranged from her parents Ronald and Nancy Reagan for many years. She was the "rebellious" child, and it seems to me the low point is when she wrote a biography of her family in 1992 in which she portrayed them in a very negative light. She called her father absent and her mother abusive, among other things. This hurt the Reagans tremendously, of course.
Ronald Reagan wrote a letter to Patti in late 1991 or early 1992 after he heard about the book, but he never sent it. Her mother found it while cleaning out a desk, some time after President Reagan had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.
Here is the letter:
"Dear Patti, With myself going on 81 years, I first can’t sit back and make no effort to change our family situation. I’ve heard and read statements by you about the biography you are working on and how you plan to explore what you say are the failures of your family.
“Patti you are hurting us – your parents – but you are hurting yourself even more. We were not a dysfunctional family. Was it dysfunctional to man the hot dog stand at an every year affair at your school? Was it dysfunctional to have trips every summer at Coronado and Frances Beach? I wish you would sit down with me and look at photos of these occasions and many others. Was your mother [Nancy] dysfunctional when she planned your wedding?
“Patti in our meeting at the office you said your mother didn’t like you. That’s not true. Yes she’s unhappy about the way things are but again I can show you photos in which the love between you is unmistakable. And these pictures are at virtually every stage of your life. Pictures don’t lie.
“Well I could go on like this but Patti as I wrote at the beginning of this my years are limited. I can tell you what it’s like to have regrets over things I did or didn’t do before my parents left this earth. I don’t want you to face that. But most important Patti is that you realize your Mother and Father have great memories of our “first born” – a beautiful little girl who used to come into our bedroom early in the morning before we were up and slip into our bed between us. That is just one of many memories we cherish and treasure.
“Please Patti don’t take away our memories of a daughter we truly love and who we miss. With Love, Dad”
Fortunately, Patti did eventually reconcile with her parents. In an interview with Katy Couric she said this:
Couric: “How did it make you feel, that letter?”
Davis: “Terrible. Twenty, 25 years later, when you look back, you're looking back at it through a filter that you didn't have then, you know. You're looking at it as a person who you weren't then.”
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/6478080/n...
Ronald Reagan wrote a letter to Patti in late 1991 or early 1992 after he heard about the book, but he never sent it. Her mother found it while cleaning out a desk, some time after President Reagan had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.
Here is the letter:
"Dear Patti, With myself going on 81 years, I first can’t sit back and make no effort to change our family situation. I’ve heard and read statements by you about the biography you are working on and how you plan to explore what you say are the failures of your family.
“Patti you are hurting us – your parents – but you are hurting yourself even more. We were not a dysfunctional family. Was it dysfunctional to man the hot dog stand at an every year affair at your school? Was it dysfunctional to have trips every summer at Coronado and Frances Beach? I wish you would sit down with me and look at photos of these occasions and many others. Was your mother [Nancy] dysfunctional when she planned your wedding?
“Patti in our meeting at the office you said your mother didn’t like you. That’s not true. Yes she’s unhappy about the way things are but again I can show you photos in which the love between you is unmistakable. And these pictures are at virtually every stage of your life. Pictures don’t lie.
“Well I could go on like this but Patti as I wrote at the beginning of this my years are limited. I can tell you what it’s like to have regrets over things I did or didn’t do before my parents left this earth. I don’t want you to face that. But most important Patti is that you realize your Mother and Father have great memories of our “first born” – a beautiful little girl who used to come into our bedroom early in the morning before we were up and slip into our bed between us. That is just one of many memories we cherish and treasure.
“Please Patti don’t take away our memories of a daughter we truly love and who we miss. With Love, Dad”
Fortunately, Patti did eventually reconcile with her parents. In an interview with Katy Couric she said this:
Couric: “How did it make you feel, that letter?”
Davis: “Terrible. Twenty, 25 years later, when you look back, you're looking back at it through a filter that you didn't have then, you know. You're looking at it as a person who you weren't then.”
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/6478080/n...
So sad, and so typical of so many of our situations. They just don't see what's in it for them ... and it's all for them. The family is for their benefit ... but their own foolishness keeps them from the blessing....
You are so right, difficultime2, not only do we hurt but our adult children are missing out on the blessing of family. Estrangement is such a loss.....of time, of love, of family and of life.