I'm writing this from an Incognito window.  If he knew I was talking to anyone about how I feel, it would be a fight.  If I'm on my computer away from him for too long, he'll wonder who I'm talking to and what I'm trying to hide.  He is not physically abusive and never has been, but in the heat of raging, screaming fights that we occasionally have, he lets me know how much he'd love to punch me in the face.  It's been about 16 years that we've been together, married for 8 years.  Every day now I think of the beginning and all of the warning signs.  I feel like I have to take responsibility for being so blind and not getting out when I KNEW things were going badly.  But, you know how we are.... he'll change.... he's like this because he doesn't want to lose me..... he's like this because he knows my past and is threatened by it even though he was never a part of it.... and that's how it started.  

I'm here because I need an outlet.  I've written things down in the past, but he's found them and destroyed them, and yelled and screamed about how I want to hold onto ties from the past instead of giving all my present time to him.

I've been soul searching for a long time now.  Fluctuating between blaming myself for being so stupid and vulnerable and impressionable and in denial and blaming him for being so manipulative and mean and loving and selfish.  I want to get my story out of my system so maybe I can find the strength to move away from this situation that is toxic to my well-being and sense of self and who I am.  I don't have friends anymore... no one I trust to pour out my most personal struggles to.... no family that I feel close enough to.... Counselor? Nope, I've already been threatened with divorce if I were to go see someone to talk to because I have him and why would I need to tell a stranger about my personal situation?  

I hate the word "Victim" and I hate being a statistic.  I have spent my whole life being both and being in denial of that reality.  I was sexually abused by my sister's father from the age of 5 to about 13.  I have been in love, really, truely, whole heartedly in love with 2 people in my life.  One of them is my husband.  I have just come to the realization that both men that I have had this amazing sense of love for have amazing similarities to my sister's father.  So I guess I gravitate toward abuse.  I've been telling myself that my husband is good for me because he keeps me in line.  I am reckless.  I have had close to 40 sex partners in my life before I met my husband.  I used to keep a record.  How crazy is that?  My husband found that record very early on in our relationship, because I used to leave him alone in my house while I went to work and gave him free reign of the house, never thinking he would tear through all of my belongings while I wasn't there.  That was about 3 months into our relationship... and I've been paying for it ever since.  I want to say that that's when he lost his trust for me, but I guess he never really had trust for me if he felt the need to tear through my stuff, huh?

I'm going to jump around a lot here... I have so much to get out of my system that I can't keep my thoughts in order.

I am a good person.  Always have been.  I am compassionate, loving, sharing, a hard worker, smart, will go out of my way to help just about anyone.  I try to find the good in everything.  I used to be super confident and independant and strong.  I never wanted a serious relationship because I did not want the "who, what when, where and how" questions that go along with it.... but that's exactly what I got.  I try to figure out exactly the moment that I buckled and let my guard down, but I can't.  I think I just wanted to get out of my self-destructive pattern of sex, drunkenness, and reckless spending and my husband was not in my current circle of friends, so he was a good way out.  He was so attentive, so loving, so infatuated with me.  I was his Princess.  I was his Goddess.  He was my savior from myself and he was/is loyal to me.  Those are the only attributes that I can say I still hold dear to me, although I hate his methods of keeping those attributes alive.

He's upstairs watching football right now, calling to me to come revel in his fantasy football good fortune.  In a minute, if I do not show up, he will come to the door and ask what I'm up to and didn't I hear him and what's so important that I can't come up and see him.  he might actually venture down the stairs to see what's on myy computer screen and accuse me of switching the screen before he got here (which funny enough, he would be right this time).  So I'm going to leave now, to avoid a stupid argument over nothing or the feeling that I must defend myself over nothing.

Thank you for being here for me to type to, vent to, work my shit out with, etc.

To be continued