It can take sometime to fully heal. You are doing well by seeking support through a psychologist and taking steps to heal your mind through meditation, and medication for that matter. Its great that you can see the abuse without denying it, but part of coming to terms with the abuse is releasing what role you had to play. I don't mean that in a "he did this so you did this" way (though this helps to become clear on the next part), or that you are in any way at fault, you are NOT at fault as abuse is always about one-sided control. What I mean is recognising the emotions that he manipulates in you, how he does this (the tactics), and what your actions you took (or didn't take) afterwards. I say this because these emotions you feel like shame and guilt are residual and were the emotions that he provoked and manipulated in the first place (and still is). The confusion is the abuse tactics. When you can start seeing the abuse tactics and that these emotions were projected onto you (for something that he has done or feels) and are outside of you, as opposed to being felt inside you for something that you have done, you start slowly let these emotions go.

The thing with abuse is that it does leave you feeling at blame, confused, guilty, which is why people will often stay in the relationship as they feel in someway responsible. Part of realising your role is that you are in NO way responsible for fixing or helping your abuser. You can not make anyone do or feel anything that they don't want to, he wouldn't want to change because he is abusive and has all the power! You can only do things for yourself.

The other thing that really stuck with me (and affirmed what I felt, as I was really up and down, and at times it felt like I couldn't control my thoughts/feelings) was knowing the physiological and psychological side effects of the abuse. I don't know if you will find this helpful but it helped me to realise that those moments where I wanted to seek contact were perhaps less about wanting the abuser (though I did love him) but more about the way that my brain was hooked to him.

Psychologically when you are in an abusive relationship you become used to the two sides of the abuser. The amazing loving side and the dark side. It starts out with small abusive episodes which the abuser follows with loving or remorseful episodes. The abuse ramps up over time, and with that it happens at times randomly, and before you know it you find that you become addicted. You are hooked to the reward! The reward might be hypothetical (the carrot dangling on a string that you can't reach) like the happy marriage and the changed man, but it can be cemented by the physical highs of affection and sex. Getting over abuse can actually be like breaking an addiction.

The other thing I realised when reading about emotional abuse and trauma is that you can not 'logically' process it. It's to do with the way, and the part of that the brain that reacts to trauma. The logical parts shut down and fails to talk to the emotional parts of the brain. The numbing might be the memories in your brain which are trapped. Time and continued self care will unravel these thoughts.
I don't know what this looks like for other people, but for me I found that I actually had to go back to the abuse before I could process it. Sometimes going back meant talking to a psychologist, other times I had to let the memories come back to me (I couldn't force them) because I was actually remembering an emotion I felt and not so much an event.

Recovery isn't a quick fix, you waver, but just know that each step you take you become stronger, well rounded and grounded person.