Hello, I am new to this group and I don't even know where to start. I am in my early/mid 20's and I lost my older brother when I was 17. It is still the biggest trauma I have gone through and I will grieve until the day I die. I have always been close to my parents and after he passed away, we only grew closer. During my senior year of college I met this guy at my place of work. He swept me off my feet and told me he was in love with me after knowing each other for a short while. We instantly hit it off and became the best of friends. He was also the first guy outside of my family I was able to open up to about my brother and he helped me realize I never really acknowledged/processed by grief. Anyway, he told me he was going through a nasty divorce but that he was separated from his wife and was "waiting for the paperwork to process." I didn't think anything of it, being so young and inexperienced, but my parents kept asking me to ask him to see the paperwork/proof. Once I finally asked him, he deflected and prolonged for months and eventually showed me papers. I had never seen divorce papers before but I thought it odd there was so date. Anyway, cutting a long story short, he prolonged this for quite some time telling me "any day now" and "before you graduate." We remained friends and didn't do anything inappropriate, but.....One day, 9 MONTHS LATER, I finally heard from SOMEONE OTHER THAN HIM that he had only JUST filed for divorce. I felt heartbroken and betrayed. His ex wife also labeled him as a "liar and pill popper." I chalked this up to her being a bitter wronged woman who would say anything to make him look bad...

Fast forward, I ended up forgiving him (against my friends and family's advice) and we started dating once he was divorced. Let me backtrack and say that that first year we were just friends, he overwhelmed me with gifts and flowers and so much love. It was overwhelming. And the first 5 months of dating were almost the same. But then, we got a puppy in our 6th month of dating (he had his own dog) and after having him for 2 weeks, he said "ever since that f****** dog came around I've been number two!" Then, a couple of months later, one morning, I told him I was going to go visit my parents for a few hours. He seemed fine with that. When I got back, his dog was wondering around the main room (not unusual) but the bathroom door was open and there was water everywhere and towels and blow dryer on the floor. The (one) bedroom door was locked. I knocked on the door and he responded "go away." I asked him to open the door and I could've sworn I heard what sounded like the puppy's crate door unlocking. He finally opened the door and the puppy slowly walked over to me, cowering his head, and soaking wet! I picked him up and got out of there. I took him to my parents house and dried him up. He was shaking a lot and it didn't seem to stop after he was dried and warm. I called my vet who suggested I take him to the emergency room. He was shaking the whole time he was there and after examination, they pointed out his eye was bloodshot ("blunt force trauma.") I essentially nursed him back to health at my parents house for a while. I later found out from my boyfriend that he had supposedly taken some sinus medication and the side effects included aggression. He told me that the puppy was always running into things (which was partially true) and that's what caused the red eye. I didn't really believe him but didn't want to think the alternative... fast forward in our relationship, we definitely had good times, amazing times, where we could talk for hours and hours about anything, we had the same interests, he would do sweet things for me like waking up at 4am to get me shampoo so I could wash my hair for work, etc. But, then the medication issues started. I won't go into detail as far as what medications were taken but they were not needed and they had bad side effects. He would abandon me at work many times (we had carpooled). One time I paid crazy money to uber home after not being able to reach him. I found him laying on the couch drinking a soda. I asked him if he had taken (x medication) and he would lie and say no. I found the bottle in the cabinet and he had clearly abused them. He would yell and get so defensive. Also, when I first met him, he was so career driven and would say "my parents have money but I always want to work no matter what." Throughout our relationship (2 years), he had 4 jobs (one he quit when we started dating, 1 he stayed at for 1 month, 1 he stayed at for 2 months, and the last one for 6 months). The last job he left last year and he has been out of work since. Then, one day late last year, he picked me up from work to take me to lunch and he had a grand mal seizure behind the wheel while he was driving on a main road. I had never seen a seizure before and was having a panic attack, not sure what to do. I thought he was dying in front of me. People stopped to help and he was taken to hospital. He claimed it was some random old med he had from a long time ago that caused it. I was traumatized for months. Then, months later (early this year), I came home from work to find him staring off into space with a nosebleed. Paramedics came but he seemed normal by then. We had a great evening and then at around 11pm, he had a full grand mal seizure while he was spooning me on the couch. He was admitted to hospital and was kept there for 5 days. The doctors saw what he was taking (a bunch of mixed meds) and made some strong suggestions regarding them. They chalked it up to (x medication) and said it was the worst med out there. He was so emotional in the hospital and cried and said "I will never take them again, I love you and don't want to ever be apart from you again." 5 weeks went by and he was doing great! Like his old self. My parents (who have had major reservations about him since the beginning) even stopped by to meet us and go for ice cream. My dad inquired about the seizure and wanted to make sure he was okay then. He looked my dad in the face and said "yeah it was (x medication). I'm off it now and won't ever take it again." My dad also offered to help with get a job too and spent quite some time giving him career advice and reaching out to his contacts. Then, the day after they had stopped by, I was in the kitchen making dinner and I spotted a pill bottle hidden behind the fridge. It was the same med that caused the seizure. I was pissed and screamed and cried. I went back to see my parents. We went to therapy that following weekend and our therapist said there was a possibility he could seize again. I was so upset. We ended up getting him a small dose which I administered to him daily and we managed to ween him off. Then, back in late March early April, we were fighting a lot. I felt like he was detached and not making any effort. I had started a new job and was overwhelmed with the TWO dogs. Finally, I reached my breaking point when he insulted our puppy for the millionth time since he had an accident in the house. I packed a few things and left with the pup. He also told me to "get out." I went back to my parents house. He proceeded to call the police on me the following night (amid Covid) and I got a call from an officer saying that he had reported his dog "stolen." The officer knew what a joke it was, took my statement, and then we ended up chatting about dogs. For the past 3 months, while I've been home with family, he has made me feel guilty for being with them, saying I'm a "puppet" and that "mommy and daddy" are trying to "control" you and they "hate you and your boyfriend." None of this is true. We have continued to fight from far almost every day and very disgusting things have been said (by both parties). Finally; I agreed to meet up with him a few weeks ago (after not seeing each other for months), and the evening was initially so perfect (like the early days) and ended with...wait for it.....a seizure behind the wheel in the middle of the fucking freeway. We were almost killed since we were involved in a multiple vehicle pile-up. My parents came to get me and I was more traumatized than before and more than I ever thought possible. I didn't leave my bed for days. When I tried to explain how traumatized I was he did what he always does and plays the victim card. He said "I'm the one who had the seizure." He wasn't conscious for any of it and didn't remember anything. I witnessed all of it and felt like a sitting duck, I couldn't do anything but wait to be hit by another car since we were stopped. Btw, this happened two days after the anniversary of my brother's passing. Needless to say, my parents were emotional wrecks. Since then, he has continued to say I "abandoned" him. When he threw me out months ago, everyone told me to finally be done with him. I have him his millionth chance and said "let's take this time to work on ourselves. You get a job, show you can hold one down, get the meds figured out, go to therapy consistently (for his family problems), figure out how to tell the truth no matter what, and just be kind to me." Granted, I've been mean to him too and have said things I didn't think I was capable of. I honestly hated who I became with him. But I stayed because he was my first and only love, the only man I was intimate with, and we had been through so much together. But the lies and the betrayal and the putting our lives in danger and not even caring all had to stop. But he has continued to make me feel bad for being home with family, he has accused me of abandoning him, he belittles my concerns and doesn't hear me out, and frankly, he displays every single characteristic of a gaslighter and a narcissist. If anyone has experience with these personalities, PLEASE comment. When I brought that to his attention, he of course denied it and said I was "crazy" and that his family thought I was "weird." He said that gaslighting wasn't a real thing and that I wasn't "qualified" to diagnose him. He calls me every single day, even when I block his number and try and move on with my life (which I feel is the right thing to do, though it's anything but easy), and when I do talk to him, if I don't go along with the friendly chit chat, he starts talking in mocking tones and obnoxious voices. He makes me crazy. I'm at this point now where I don't know what to do. I feel like there are way too many issues and if it hasn't improved by now it never will (is this wrong?) I also feel like precious years of my youth are being subjected to this trauma and stress and pain. After our loss, I just want fun and love and peace. Am I living in a fairytale? I realize this is a lot and if anyone has questions, I'd be happy to answer them. There's loads more quite honestly, but I stuck to the big issues. 

thank you for listening.