A few years later I emailed asking for answers and some understanding. He told me, in his words, that it was ballsy to do what I had done and that I was right, he was with her for years, she was an ex that he had got back together with when he moved away. We started chatting again and I let my heart open back up to the possibility of being with him. He invited me to stay with him and over the course of the year I would visit, he would too, and we would text with xxx's and hearts at the end of every message. I let myself fall back into the place of girlfriend without the formal recognition of being together. I expressed that I would visit for Christmas, that I wanted to travel up the coast with him and that I wanted to be with him. I arrived, excited to see him and excited at the prospect of seeing more of him as I was going to suggest that I move to be with him. I slept with him though I noticed he looked at me with disgust and I was frozen by it. The next day he had forgotten that he had slept with me. This continued to happen until one day he just stopped. He would take calls on his phone to a Thai girl "learning Thai" was his reason. I would collect his mail for him, Thai books came along with a Drs envelop that I knew in my gut was an STI check. It was, he showed me later on. It began to really hurt when he would continuously excuse himself to take calls. I became upset and asked him if he had slept with her, he admitted he had but that nothing was going on between them. I was shattered but I could also understand that our distance was difficult. I expressed that it was obvious that she liked him from the amount of calls and he played dumb.. oh! do you think so? The next three weeks were the most hurtful of my life. He continued to text and take her calls and I would have to wait in the other room throwing up because I was so hurt and anxious. I overheard him telling her "I love you" as I was in the bathroom. I'd be lying if I were to say that I wasn't listening in and out of being in there. I lied to him when I said I wasn't listening. He told me that I had heard wrong, that nothing was happening, I believed him. He would lie down beside me in bed texting her and showing me parts like the little emoji of the dog farting a love heart and her response of a beating heart like it was funny, that I was right that she liked him, and that his wasn't intended to be a meaningful heart. I cried myself to sleep a lot. I cried a lot and he would just walk past me, carry on like I didn't exist. He acted like I didn't exist. He told his sister on the phone that I was crying in public. Her response was that I was 'toxic'. I cried myself to sleep and he sexually fondled me pretending he was asleep. He stated to test my obedience, whether I would get things for him, do things the right way like folding tea-towels and he let me know after that he was testing me. He would play "one night in Bangkok" and did and said lots of other little hurtful or odd things, looks, and digs that I still can not understand whether they were intended to hurt me or whether I'm just crazy and looking for things. Sometimes those little things make sense that he wished I was dead. All I wanted to do was express to him that I loved him and I constantly tried in my actions and words but he would manipulate my willingness and desperation to please him. I couldn't understand why her 'liking him' was so much more important than me in the flesh who loved him and became even more compliant. Lying beside him in bed he angrily declared that he didn't trust me. I cried and asked why I was even there. He didn't trust me for what I had done with his ex. That I was going to look on his computer. I couldn't understand why his ex was relevant nor why he was talking about his computer as I had gone trusting him completely. I will never know what he was hiding on there. In the coming weeks he finally expressed that there was "too much water under the bridge" and he couldn't be with me. I couldn't understand why he had spent the year flirting with me at the very least, why he would sleep with me, joke about marriage, ask questions like whether I wanted kids if he didn't want me. Apparently I misinterpreted everything he said, he has a reason for everything. He expressed that something might happen with the Thai girl and that he wants to be able to love, has never before. He would back this with kind words and a pat on the back to myself. I went in and out of obliging and tears. Today he is with his Thai girlfriend and I have spent the year reading about covert manipulation and abuse trying to come to terms with it while still being in love with him. The crux of it all, is that my need to understand and look for answers to get out of the confusion is what continues to hurt me. Plastered on social media is her love for him and vice versa even while there was "nothing going on".