hi, been with my partner for 10+ years, and have always felt a slight sense of things being a bit off, I was always a happy go lucky person until after we settled down and ever since have been functioning in a low level depression. Everything came to a head last year when I suffered a bereavement and after years of keeping my emotions locked inside went to grief therapy where all this stuff started to come up for me surrounding our relationship. I couldn’t make sense of it so I got some time away from him to get my head straight. We are back together now but more and more is coming to light for me but I’m not totally sure if I trust my feelings or is it actually my grief still causing me emotional upset. 

Nothing obviously stands out as abuse which is why I’m questioning my sainity. We got together fast, faster than I wanted but I seemed to get swept away in it all. In the beginning if we disagreed, he would sulk like a child so I would end up giving way to his wants. Now, if we argue, he baffles me with stuff, I end up apologising for something I didn’t even know I’d done. I’ve literally never won an argument (and I know it’s not about winning or losing, but in 10 years I feel like I’ve never been right). My opinions are met with back hand comments making out that it’s wrong or i am wrong for feeling a certain way and now, without even realising it’s happened, I just seem to agree with him and go along with stuff just to keep the peace. He’s never had time for my family when all I have ever done is make an effort with his, he shows his face but as soon as he is bored he starts to sulk until I feel guilted into leaving, as soon as we are gone he cheers up. I’ve called him on this before and he makes out my family don’t talk to him or he says I always take their side, and he must not be my number 1 priority. He will make comments about certain friends of mine that he isn’t keen on, he will be quite rude to them and ignore them at times. All of his friends are my friends and if we didn’t go out together he would never leave the house, he has nothing outside of our relationship and if I try to encourage him to find a friend of his own or a hobby he says he’s fine with just me. He seems to have followed me into every job I have had since we have been together, like he can’t stand being away from me, he seems to talk me round to thinking that him applying for a job at my place of work is a good idea. We now run a business together, which I felt pressured to start as he wasn’t happy in our old job and he made things awkward with our bosses. 

Theres so many more little things such as the above, and I don’t mean to undermine what people go through with abuse and I feel wrong for even asking if this is even a thing, because they seem so trivial in comparison but I feel like I’m going crazy. Shouldn’t my opinion and my feelings matter, shouldn’t I be able to voice them without fear of starting an arguement, shouldn’t I feel comfortable to say I’m going out with my friend tonight, shouldn’t I be able to make my own career choices and have something that belongs to me and only me. 

Help, I am so confused. TIA