Hi!
So I am new here and I have ad this for as long as I can remember but the furthest back I can remember is about 5 years so for the sake of this post we'll say 5 years! I am only young and recently I thought my phobia was getting better because I have been happier and more settled in my life but it still gets to me sometimes and it is starting to affect my family. I remember when I was really little i used to try and make myself sick or ways to be sick to stay of school but now it's completely different.

My mum had 2 still births back in 2008 and my family went through hell. It was horrible to watch and I felt like we were cursed or something. Then my parents divorced and I was back in that negative mindset. Next, I didn't sleep for like a year so I was basically and insomniac but I am okay now. I am recovering from HOCD, a form of OCD but I have always had this.

It used to be really bad, like I would count how much my dad drank and this started when he was sick before Christmas. Sometimes, I wander if it is a control thing but the thing is, I could never be anorexic. I have never limited my food but I don't like to drink milk or eat chicken. I check expiry dates and I don't go on school trips in case I am sick on the coach or someone else is or I am or someone else is while we are there.

I have been trough lots of change in the last year. My dad moved out and my granddad died. I am happy at the minute though. My parents and brother are settled and that is all that matters. Sometimes I feel alone though, even my parents don't know my internal struggles. If someone is sick I feel like I want to run away and be outside. I feel trapped and lose my sense of reality. To stop myself getting sick, I take vitamins and immune tonic and stay away from all stressful and germy situations. I wash my hands all the time, I don't like toilets and I hate aeroplanes and long car journeys. I am terrified of throwing up ion labor and pregnancy but i really want kids.

I haven't been sick since June 2009 (yes i remember the month) I have poured disinfectant all over my room, I changed my bedclothes and have not worn the same pajamas since. I remember everything I have done and I am obsessed with not repeating the action incase it makes me sick. This bit is OCD. This is intruding into my life and I don't even know how it started. My brother was sick on holiday and I sat at the table like a mad person and drew houses on a beer-mat, I refused point blank to go to sleep. My mum thinks I have an anxiety disorder and that I need help to but to be honest I am okay. I think I was just in a bad place for so long it seemed unlikely I would get better. But it did and now here I am. I have been through so much and I don't want to have to worry any more.

MY TOP FEARS

Throwing up
HOCD
The world ending
Going mad


I worry all the time and it is because of this. My mum's boyfriend was sick today and I constantly seek reassurance I will not get it. My best friend knows me better than anyone and se helps me but I won't see her for a week so I need help. I don't even no how this started but my only goal is to be worry free. Good Luck x x