Hi, my name is Alex. I’ve kinda come to share a little bit because I was recently diagnosed with B.E.D (Binge eating disorder). This is kind of my story I guess, also a bit of a rant about how I currently am. So uhm slight trigger warning?

Well I was always a really healthy little “girl”, but around the age three going on to four years old I was in a terrible car accident (not explaining how) and I was wearing a seat beat that went only around the waist. My mother was still a rebellious teenager (fifteen-sixteen), as was my dad (eighteen I think??) so they didn’t listen to careseat rules and kept me in a  booster seat.

Anyways, after that I was to eat limited foods because the seat belt tore my intestines open. I went through three months of hospitalization and lots of pain pills. Not the point though. I was finally in Florida which was our original plan. My whole childhood I was healthy, fit, athletic, energetic, etc. so weight was NEVER a problem.

When I was around four though I started witnessing my mother being tortured and abused by my “father”. And around that time we started abusing me too. So I slowly started developing anxiety and depression, yes at the age of five. I ignored my problems until my mother had my little brother (currently eight) and realized that she couldn’t “ruin” another kids life (her words not mine!!)

At the age of eight my mother (twenty-three??) brother (one), and I moved BACK to Indiana where we stayed away from our father for good. He eventually found us and stayed around. Soon he started abusing my brother from the ages (two-three-four) and eventually sexually abused me for almost two to three weeks. I, of course, hid it until my mom noticed I was hitting puberty (at nine, ugh) and said, “You know what two adult do to have babies? Yeah. If you do that you can have kids too so no boyfriends” in a joking manner. 

I went completely ghost pale pale and felt close to collapsing. She asked what awas wrong and I explained in a very innocent way (you could tell I was only a nine year old CHILD by the way I explained in pure fear since it was the day to visit our “father”.) that he had been doing exactly what she had explained (No he didn’t pull out and no I did not end up pregnant because I was not yet through the period process!).

Yada, yada, yada.. after almost a month of trial he was sentenced to sixty years behind bars in a different state. A little after I was actually diagnosed with;

Depressed

Anxiety (including social)

Bipolar Disorder

PTSD

Bulimia Nervosa

and Schizophrenia.

All at the age of NINE. As the days went by I went close to anorexic skinny and was admitted into a hospital. I got better, got out, and started living almost healthy. I happy slid out of Bulimia and accidentally became addicted, accidentally sliding into binge eating. After a few years I was close to 200 pounds. I never cared though because I let myself believe things that weren’t true.

Around eleven-twelve years old I had severe trust issues, I was self harming, sometimes I would tell teachers about how I was seeing my father and hearing his voice everywhere making me want to kill myself, I was admitted into a mental hospital where I was sexually harassed by my female roommate, I came out as bisexual and later on genderfluid, I finally got diagnosed with B.E.D, my mother got diagnosed with MS, my brother got diagnosed with autism (don’t know exact details), I got diagnosed with D.I.D, went to another mental hospital and was accused of being pregnant causing me to punch the wall in my room until my knuckles were completely busted and all there was, was almost all bone and blood (ALMOST), etc.

Now here I am now, taking care of my mother and brother. I try to attend church but it doesn’t relieve anything sometimes and only stresses me more. We have two animals though, a five month old  Chihuahua named Hope Michealson Moore (Originals) and a year old tabby cat named Klaus Michealson Moore (Originals. We live in the ghetto area and I am homeschooled. I struggle everyday with binge eating and sometimes force myself to not eat. I’m failing almost all of my online classes and have basically quit doing it all together.

I struggle so much everyday and even earlier around 12:30a or so I was cramming my face with pizza and brownies (actually very little but STILL) and now I’m crying while writing this because I want to get better but I don’t know how. It’s currently 1:53a too.

Any advice for even the slightest change? I can’t handle it and I’m afraid I’m going to actually eat myself to death or kill myself one of these days.. but I also know my family needs me.